Columnist Sandra Thompson: Sending their son away was an act of love

Sandra Thompson

Friday, April 6, 2001 | 4:55 a.m.

Sandy Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. She can be reached at 259-4025 or e-mail at thompson@lasvegassun.com

MARCH 15 was the worst day of Susan's life. It was the day she sent her 15-year-old son, Michael, away.

It was an act of desperation and hope. Desperation because she and her husband, Tom, didn't know how to stop their son's increasingly troubled behavior. Hope because she knew they had to do something to turn him around and back into the loving, responsible child he had been.

Because of the children involved, we'll refer to the family only by first names.

Susan and Tom are responsible parents who raised Michael and his 13-year-old brother Andrew in a loving home with a strong emphasis on their religious faith. They were very involved in their sons' education and extracurricular activities.

So it was surprising when Michael, then 14, started acting out. Susan and Tom sought family counseling to learn better communication skills.

Last September Michael wanted to transfer from the private religious school he attended to a public high school. His parents said yes -- provided he maintain good grades and good behavior.

Within three months Michael was skipping school, was grounded for sneaking out of the house to be with a friend, and was caught shoplifting at a local grocery store. He ran away. He was gone for eight days. Susan filed a missing person's report, but police said there was little they could do unless they picked him up for a crime.

Susan contacted all his friends and combed the neighborhoods. She discovered he was living with a friend's family a few blocks from Susan's home. Michael told them he had been kicked out of his own house and the parents never bothered to check out the story.

Michael's behavior had changed dramatically. "It blindsided us," Susan says.

Grounding Michael did not help. He ditched class routinely. One night he came home high on pot. He took money and sold items from the house, including his brother's belongings.

"We had lost control," Susan says. She laments that there was no resource list of programs or agencies that could help Michael. "It's like having a sick child and not having a doctor listen to you," Susan says.

Then Susan learned about Agape, a Baptist boarding school in Missouri that aims to change rebellious and out-of-control boys into "God-honoring and parent-honoring young men and to be an honest, hard-working asset to the community ...."

Susan visited the school. "It had a farm atmosphere. The children weren't frightened. There were athletics and academics, with a big focus on the religious aspect."

She felt Agape was what Michael needed. The hardest part would be getting him there. "We did what every parent hates to do -- we lied to him. We told Michael a friend had a job at a rock concert in Kansas City."

The friend was a bodyguard who accompanied Michael to the school. "Until the door closed at the school, Michael didn't know he was staying there," Susan says.

Tears well up in Susan's eyes as she recalls that day. "I was sending my child away. It was hard. But I couldn't live with him (waiting) for a phone call from the police or the morgue."

Susan and Tom assured Andrew that they weren't punishing Michael. Susan says he understands. He probably is a bit relieved because he had become terrified of Michael and his friends.

When children act out, Susan says, families often don't know what to do. "Kids have to be in the right mind-set to be on the right path."

Susan cites a book by Lee Ezell, "Pills for Parents in Pain," that says parents have a short time to teach kids right from wrong. Then kids make choices.

"I beat myself up thinking what did I do wrong. But it was Michael who made the wrong choices," Susan says. "This is not my failure. My failure would have been to do nothing."

You can have an ideal family life, but many outside influences can upset it. "When friends become the focal point in a child's life, then you'd better start praying. They have more influence than you'll ever know," Susan says.

Michael will stay at Agape for about 15 months, studying and working around the farm. He already has sent a letter to his parents, telling them he's sorry and that he loves them. "When I first got here, I was shocked and a little angry. But I know you're doing this for me," he wrote.

Susan says Michael needed help to get out of the hole he was in. "This is saving my son's life."