Williams discusses life since fateful day

Kim Smith

Tuesday, April 3, 2001 | 11:04 a.m.

If given the chance to walk out of jail tomorrow, Jessica Williams wouldn't take it.

"I don't think I could handle getting out right now," Williams said. "It wouldn't feel right to be happy. I don't feel like I have the right to ever feel happy again."

On Monday, four days after she was sentenced to 18 to 48 years in prison, Williams spoke about her life since she struck and killed six teenagers along Interstate 15.

Williams was convicted in February for causing the March 19, 2000, crash that killed the teenagers as they were picking up trash in the median.

Prosecutors tried to convince jurors the reason Williams veered off the road was due to the presence of marijuana and Ecstasy in her system. Her attorney said the 22-year-old just dozed off after having gone more than 24 hours without sleep.

Williams was found guilty of driving under the influence of a prohibited substance in her blood -- THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. The jury found that she wasn't impaired, and her attorney, John Watkins, will try to overturn the conviction on that basis.

After all, Watkins asks, how can someone at the same time be found guilty of DUI but be acquitted of driving while impaired?

Williams has spent every day since the accident in the Clark County Detention Center and is likely to spend her prison sentence at the women's correctional center in North Las Vegas.

During an emotional hour-long interview Monday in a tiny room, Williams said she was told to expect the lengthy prison sentence imposed by District Judge Mark Gibbons.

However, nothing could have prepared her for the sentencing Friday, when more than a dozen of the teens' family members took the stand.

All were in anguish, but some chose to express their hatred for Williams -- addressing her directly and holding nothing back.

Next to the accident itself, the most difficult moment came Friday, when JoJo Burke confronted her with a picture of Malena Stoltzfus at the accident scene, Williams said.

During it all, Williams said she had a hard time breathing. Her limbs felt numb.

"Nothing about what I was feeling can be put into words. It just doesn't work," Williams said quietly as her fingers nervously picked at the table in front of her.

It is Burke's harsh words and those of the other family members that she grapples with now.

"I'm trying not to think about what everybody said, but it's all I hear in my head," Williams said, her head down.

Since her arrest Williams said she has been meeting regularly with a psychologist and spiritual leaders. She has also read dozens of spiritual books, such as "Prison to Praise" by Merlin Carothers, a World War II veteran and former U.S. Army chaplain.

Williams has battled both sleeplessness and nightmares, a lack of appetite and binge eating.

"I have nightmares usually every night, but some are worse than others," Williams said, her blue eyes filling with tears behind her wire-rimmed glasses.

It is only when Williams discusses her relationship with God that her mood appears to lighten.

Williams said that until the accident she didn't allow herself to develop a spiritual life.

"I never allowed myself to act on my beliefs because I was ashamed; it didn't make sense to my rational mind," Williams said.

After the accident she began to see things differently.

"I went so far the other way it made it possible for me to come back," Williams said, struggling for words. "I have to believe, or I can't go on living."

The books she has read in jail have only solidified her belief, Williams said.

Books aren't the only thing she has been reading. Williams said she receives an average of 50 letters, all supportive of her, from all over the world each week.

"They are wonderful," Williams said. "I love getting those letters."

Williams said she has gotten used to living behind bars. Although she is in her cell 22 hours a day, she has developed friendships with many of those around her. Many treat her like a daughter, she said.

"We stand three feet from our doors and shout to each other," Williams said. "They always tell me, 'Don't cry, don't cry' and everyone always tries to cheer me up."

When she turned 22 a couple of weeks ago, Williams said a fellow prisoner gave her 10 snack cakes and a card.

The prisoner was Margaret Rudin, who is currently on trial for allegedly killing her husband six years ago. She is also the woman who told jail officials Williams was behaving "inappropriately" with Sandy Murphy, who was later convicted of killing her lover, gaming figure Ted Binion.

Williams politely declines to talk about that incident.

"We're next-door neighbors, so we're civil," Williams said. "You either become civil, or you go the other direction and that doesn't help anybody. Besides, I know she's going through her trial, and I don't want her to stress out anymore."

She has gotten so used to jail that Williams recalls with fondness playing hide-and-seek with her two young half-brothers, ages 5 and 1, while separated by glass in the jail's visiting room.

She describes those few moments as the best ones she has had since the accident.

Williams said that if there is anything she wants young adults and parents to learn from her experience, it's that people do fall asleep unexpectedly. She would tell young adults not to use drugs, too, but doesn't believe her words would matter.

When asked if there was a point when she could have taken a different action and changed the course of history, Williams shook her head.

"I can't think like that," Williams said. "If I think like that, I'll drive myself crazy."

She responded similarly when asked what she would do if Watkins is unable to convince the Nevada Supreme Court to overturn the conviction.

"I don't project into the future," Williams said. "But, there's no doubt in John. It's impossible to doubt John. I trust him as much as I trust God."