Columnist Sandra Thompson: Book helps parents in custody cases

Sandra Thompson

Saturday, Sept. 30, 2000 | 2:50 a.m.

Sandra Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. She can be reached at 259-4025 or e-mail at thompson@lasvegassun.com

RECENT national magazine articles and books have been examining the lasting effects of divorce on children. There is considerable debate on which is more harmful: staying in a bad marriage or getting a divorce.

The prevailing theory is that divorce has a serious, negative effect on children, especially later on in life as they establish their own romantic relationships. (It shouldn't take a Harvard degree to figure that one out.)

There has been little public discourse on how the handling of the divorce, especially with regard to custody issues, affects children.

In any divorce, a child must learn to cope with the loss of contact with a parent. Ideally, the child would continue to have the love of -- and feel loved by -- the noncustodial parent. That forms a solid foundation for growing into a healthy adult.

How parents handle custody issues after the divorce is important to the child's well-being. Unfortunately, parents' bickering often doesn't end when the marriage does. When they can't agree on the direction for their children, the dispute spills over in the legal arena and a complete stranger -- a judge -- must make the most intimate and important decisions for them.

Parents can avoid certain pitfalls while navigating the legal process.

"A lot of parents hurt in Family Court and do things that are not helpful," says retired California Superior Court Judge James Stewart.

Stewart drew on his 20-year court and family law experience, knowledge and research to write resource books for families going through the emotional legal maze. He authored "The Child Custody Book: How to Protect Your Children and Win Your Case" as a primer for parents: how to conduct themselves during a custody evaluation, what to expect at each step in the court process and how to safeguard their children's well-being.

Reading a book is no guarantee that you'll win a custody case, Stewart says, but it can help good parents avoid silly mistakes and better prepare themselves for an interview with a custody evaluator. The basic rule is listen to the questions and don't go into a diatribe about how "bad" the other parent is. That's not saying anything about yourself. If you have issues with the other parent, state them in terms of concern, not accusation. Such as, "It concerns me that he/she spends little time with the children."

Because of the emotional nature of these cases, parents often do silly things that don't reflect who they are or their ability to nurture their children, Stewart says.

Although there has been a push among local Family Court reform advocates for more shared custody arrangements, Stewart says that's not the trend. Most judges now believe stability comes from a single (nurturing, loving) parental figure.

"Many psychologists say that a lot of back and forth (between two parents) is not good," Stewart adds.

Judges have varying policies on talking to children about their wishes in custody cases. Although he has talked to children, especially teens, it wasn't Stewart's practice on the bench.

"Kids are walking a tightrope, they try to pacify each parent," he says. "Kids normally don't want to be made to believe the decision is theirs."

He believes therapists play a key role in determining with whom the child should reside.

"The Child Custody Book" explores ex-parte orders, temporary vs. permanent custody, how to contest an evaluator's recommendation, how to conduct yourself during a custody evaluation, attorneys' roles in litigation, parenting plans, relocation cases, parental alienation, child support, and fairness and gender bias issues. There are "do's and don'ts" listed for each topic.

However, there are no secrets to success, Stewart says, scoffing at other books and information on the Internet filled with empty promises. His book is intended to help parents present their case for custody in the best possible light by being familiar with the legal process and issues.

Above all, he suggests: Don't have a hidden agenda. Don't use litigation as a way to hurt the other parent, obtain personal vindication or vent anger.