Letter: You can’t be too careful when voting

Thursday, Nov. 16, 2000 | 9:46 a.m.

Only after I have been properly read the instructions by my lawyer, and the instructions properly understood and accepted, I will then insert the ballot card into the machine. The insertion will be validated by a committee of one Republican, one Democrat, one Reform Party, one Green Party, and one Libertarian Party representative and signed off as agreed.

I will then use a properly certified chad-removing instrument to vote for one and only one candidate as required and recommended by law. My lawyer will certify that I have voted for one candidate and that no hanging, pregnated, tri-tip, or swinging door remain. Should one remain, my lawyer will immediately take note of the punch card manufacturer for a later class-action lawsuit.

Once certified and verified by the aforementioned panel, I will then deposit my ballot card into the proper ballot box, with my lawyer as witness recording the ballot box number so that we can create a proper paper trail should any ballot box be lost in transit.

I will then promptly go to McDonald's and spill hot coffee over myself.

DAVID BRYANT PERKINS

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