Where I Stand — Brian Greenspun: Manners missing

Tuesday, May 30, 2000 | 10:01 a.m.

Brian Greenspun is editor of the Las Vegas Sun.

Where have all our manners gone?

That was the headline on the front page of USA Today last Friday. That was also the topic of discussion at this newspaper a week earlier when my publisher and I spent an hour or so trying to figure out the future of civility in the United States if we continued along the mannerless trail upon which this country has traveled for the past generation.

My publisher, of course, is my mother. Manners define her and she has spent most of her adult life teaching them to her children, by word and by deed. I admit from time to time she is more than willing to hold a remedial class or two for those of us who may have strayed a bit from those early lessons. And heaven help the grandchild who displays a proclivity toward incivility in her presence. It just ain't done.

Having said all that, we are all subject to refresher courses now and then. But what about so many Americans, especially the younger generations, for whom refreshers have no impact because they never learned how to behave in the first place?

That's the problem and it is a serious one because, as the experts and any thinking parent will tell you, if our manners go -- which means we become less civil as a nation -- then our tolerance for other people and their ideas go with them, and that is the way for a democracy to find an end to this wonderful 200-plus year beginning.

The newspaper story last week concentrated on the way people reacted in restaurants, movie theaters, on street corners when people asked for directions, and at intersections when people failed to move when the lights changed.

In those cases, the reporters found that some places were more civil -- more polite -- than others but that in almost all cases there was room for dramatic improvement. When my mother and I talked, our focus was much narrower.

"There are so many kids who don't even know how to hold a knife and fork," was how the conversation started. It is hard to go downhill from there because that is right at the bottom of bad manners in my mother's book. The question left unasked is how can responsible parents not teach their children how to eat, especially in public? There's that pesky little "responsible" word that keeps cropping up whenever we question ourselves about what is wrong with America. Actually, there is nothing little about that word because it captures within its meaning the vastness of almost all that we complain about in this country. Without responsibility there is no need for people to behave or, rather, act civilly toward one another.

If, for example, parents were responsible we would not have to worry about kids carrying knives and guns to schools because they would never leave the house armed to the teeth. They might not have any teeth once dad got through with them but, at least, the rest of the kids could learn without fear for their lives.

If parents were more responsible, young people would know that running over older people in malls was not proper behavior. They would know that yelling or talking loudly in movies while others are trying to enjoy the experience was not appropriate.

And they would know that giving their elders the respect they deserve was a benefit of being young. But, alas, we live in a society in which, for whatever reason, parents do not handle this responsibility thing very well.

While it might help a great deal to understand how we allowed a significant part of the next generation to grow up without civility utmost in their minds, the fact remains that we have a large segment of the population -- born here and newly immigrated -- who don't have a clue how to act in public. And that's because they never learned it in the privacy of their own homes. My mom and I came to that conclusion right away and realized that, regardless of what some pandering politician might want us to believe -- that parents are responsible and no one else -- the fact remains that the job wasn't getting done. And it is a job that must be done.

So, we questioned, if not at home with parents who care or even know, where should the task of teaching manners, teaching civility, be accomplished. Here's a surprise to no one. We should make sure that generations of young people who are not being taught good manners at home should be taught at the one place where they gather for hours at a time almost every day of their lives.

That's right. If it ain't happening at home then it must get done at school, where all children can learn how to eat properly with a knife and fork, hold the door open for a woman, give their seats to the elderly and, in the end, listen respectfully to their fellow students whose ideas may differ.

I know such talk is practically communistic or, at least, socialistic in the political climate of the year 2000. Heck, some politicians are even suggesting that we get rid of the Department of Education and cut back on any taxpayer dollars that don't go toward reading, writing and arithmetic. But the fact remains that if we don't teach civility to our children, the rest of their educations will be for naught.

This is probably an argument similar to that made decades ago when people didn't want health taught in our schools at age-appropriate levels. Well, it is a good thing progressive thought prevailed, otherwise the teenage pregnancy rate -- an abomination in Nevada -- would be even higher and many other health related matters would be beyond society's control.

Are all of these things better taught at home? Of course, but it just isn't happening there, and children must be taught. So why not do it in our schools?

Can you imagine a society in 20 years in which people are not scared to death to walk down the sidewalk for fear of being displaced by a skateboarder? Can you imagine a society in 20 years in which families can enjoy a movie or other group activity without being disturbed by rowdy kids who care not one bit about the comfort or pleasure of others? Can you imagine a world in 20 years in which people can discuss their differences without being called derogatory names and shunted aside just because they don't agree? And, can you imagine a world in 20 years in which teachers can teach and students can learn without fear of being shot just because someone feels dejected or unloved?

We can get there. But we won't unless all parents either commit themselves to teaching manners at home or else grant authority to others to do it in their place because Mom and Dad cannot or will not take that responsibility themselves. Since we already know that it won't happen broadly enough at home, then we must give our teachers the opportunity to do it for us. This should be a no-brainer. This isn't religion we are talking about, it is simply teaching children manners and how to act civilly with one another and out in public.

Remember Miss Manners? Remember how to eat with a knife and fork and use the word "please?" How about giving the next generation the chance to remember them, too?