Columnist Susan Snyder: Having a Grand laugh over canyon

Tuesday, March 21, 2000 | 9:12 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Tuesdays and Sundays. Reach her at snyder@vegas.com or 259-4082.

A moment of silence, please, for Arizona tourism officials.

Their sense of humor died.

It seems the people in charge of attracting tourists to the Grand Canyon worry they may lose a large number of their 12 million annual visitors to a Grand Canyon-themed mall on the Las Vegas Strip.

Stop giggling. These people are actually worried.

You should be laughing really hard.

"We would be excited if 12 million people came into our store," said Paul Simkins, who is in charge of the mall project.

National Public Radio interviewed Simkins earlier this month for a story about how his mall is received by those who sell the breathtaking Arizona landmark.

Instead of laughing it off as another of Las Vegas' over-the-top building projects -- hey, we do vulgar better than anybody else -- these Arizonans were vexed.

Simkins says one of the most rankled was a woman who hawks the canyon at tourism trade shows. She said people who crowd around her booth are lured away by the Las Vegas display.

"She said she has all these beautiful pictures, and the Las Vegas booth is across from her with 'one of those showgirls with legs up to her neck,' " Simkins said.

"Certainly the canyon is better to look at than a showgirl," he said. "It'd be hard to believe somebody wouldn't be blown away by their first view of the Grand Canyon. We hope people will be encouraged to take the trip."

Well, one would hope. But let's face it: There are people who would rather see the showgirl. For them, the Grand Canyon is just another big hole, and the new Las Vegas Mall is all the canyon grandeur they want to bother with.

The mall is actually a single 22,000-square-foot store with several departments flanking the 140-foot-long, 36-foot-tall "canyon."

It's designed to be a collage of the real McCoy, with American Indian ruins on one side and a 36-foot waterfall at one end. Once an hour visitors will experience a "thunder-and-lightning" storm.

Visitors will see an area devoted to the glitz and glamour of old Las Vegas, a section for Area 51 and a booth for a local Grand Canyon tour company.

They're also re-creating Las Vegas' original Mike and Harry's, a famous pre-Strip stop-off for the California-bound. Other sections include those selling upscale American Indian jewelry and plush animals.

Simkins says he's already heard that a handful of environmentalists don't approve of plans for a full-size helicopter perched atop the "canyon" wall -- rotors turning.

Some people just can't take a joke.

"We're not trying to re-create the canyon. How could we presume to create the Grand Canyon?" Simkins laughs. "If I want to see the canyon, I'll go there. If I want to be entertained while I buy a souvenir, I'll come here."

Only a ninny would liken strolling a mall on the Las Vegas Strip to seeing the massive wingspan of a California condor soaring above one of God's great works.

Frankly, I'd rather the ninnies came here to drop their candy wrappers.