Dial File — Steve Bornfeld: Exclusive: God, Devil tell all!

Friday, March 10, 2000 | 9:01 a.m.

Steve Bornfeld is the Sun features editor. His television column appears Fridays. Reach him at steveb@vegas.com or 259-4081.

Screwball comedy demands first-class screwballs.

So now, in the tradition of the classic comedy teams -- Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Martin & Lewis, Cheech & Chong -- comes those knee-slappin' sultans of silliness, God & the Devil.

Two of the three co-stars of NBC's new "God, the Devil and Bob" -- which premiered Thursday night and moves into its permanent home on Tuesday night next week -- sat down with Dial File for a casual chat. (Our bookers tried to get Bob to join the discussion, but he just couldn't fit it into his busy schedule.)

Dial File: So, how does it feel to be TV stars?

God: Well, I wouldn't go that far. I'm still very concerned about the Nielsen overnights -- ya know, did we hit that key youth demographic NBC wanted us to? I created 'em but they're so damn fickle! I wouldn't want to disappoint the advertisers. I've tried to call (NBC Chairman) Bob Wright, but I can't get past his secretary.

Devil: I played tennis with Bob last week ...

God: I hope you showed him some mercy -- you've got a wicked backhand.

Devil: Ba-da-bump! Anyway, he was cool. Said not to sweat it -- we'll be on the cover of TV Guide by May sweeps. You worry too much.

DF: Have you had time to enjoy the perks of Hollywood stardom?

D: I got it on with that hot "Touched By an Angel" babe. Clipped her wings but good!

G: You swine. I was gonna ask her to the movies this weekend.

D: You snooze, you lose, pal. I've been telling you that since the Roman orgies. But do you listen? Nooooooo.

G: Well, to answer the question, I did meet the dog from "Frasier." He's got terrible breath. Got to put that on My to-do list.

DF: Is there any clash of egos on the set? God, I did notice that you get top billing.

D: And what a gyp that is! I'm the far bigger star.

G: Watch it, Big Mouth. I got rid of you once -- remember that whole "fallen angel" thing? -- and I can do it again.

D: Ooooooh, I'm scared.

G: Need I remind you that George Burns played Me three times? Or that Chuck Heston spoke to Me personally in "The Ten Commandments"? -- although that Burning Bush costume singed my tush. Or that Alanis Morissette did a great Me in "Dogma"? -- I must say, though, that in female form, My breasts are bigger.

D: Need I remind you of my credits? I've been portrayed by genuine heavyweights -- Pacino, De Niro, Gabriel Byrne ... well, scratch that last one. I read in Variety that "End of Days" really tanked at the box office, so Byrne doesn't count. But I could go on and on -- "Rosemary's Baby," the "Omen" flicks, hey, Burns even played me in that third movie. And of course, my favorite: "The Devil in Miss Jones." I was a very active consultant on that one. I've got that Tinseltown mojo, babe.

DF: Now that you're Hollywood fixtures, what do you think of that crazy town?

G: Not My best work. It took Me almost 90 minutes on the freeway to get to the studio. And some wacko cut Me off. I was tempted to flip the bird, but there was some kid staring at Me from a passing RV. I ran into Spielberg later in the commissary and I told him I was thinking of scrapping the whole place and starting from scratch, but he convinced Me not to. I'm gonna hold him to that promise to introduce Me to Tom Hanks, though.

D: Hollywood? Definitely my best work.

DF: Will you be making the rounds of the late-night shows to promote "God, the Devil & Bob"?

G: Letterman owes Me one after that heart scare, so I might cash in that IOU. I might also do Koppel. I'm a fan, although I need to apologize to him for the hair. And My agent is angling for a guest shot reuniting Me with Chuck Heston on "Politically Incorrect." We need to hash out that NRA thing.

D: I'm booked on Howard Stern. He promised I could lick whipped cream out of a porn star's bellybutton.

DF: Isn't anyone doing Leno?

G&D: BORING!!!

D: Hell, I was his biggest booster for awhile -- gave him that Hugh Grant-and-the-hooker thing to send his ratings through the roof, but he's just not lightin' my fire. Although I must commend my colleague, here: That chin of Leno's was a stroke of demented genius.

G: I'll never live that one down.

DF: This might be an impertinent question, but ... which of you is making the higher salary on this show?

G: I've got top billing. I'm the Big Guy. The Big Cheese. The Big Kahuna. I am. Period. End of story.

D: Well, yes, he's got the higher base salary. But I cut a little side deal with the producers and the studio. And I've got an exclusive on the syndication rights ... SUCKER!

G: Ah, Jesus! Who's your agent?

D: I'm with CAA now. You've got to dump those amateurs over at William Morris or, mark my words, you'll end up as the lower left square on "Hollywood Squares."

DF: Which one of you do you think is more popular with the public and has the best chance to become a breakout star on TV?

D: Me. I'm much more fun.

G: Whose name do people call out during sex? 'Nuff said.

DF: Now that you two are working together every week, do you think you can resolve the differences between you and come together to heal the world?

G: I doubt it. He'll always be a creep.

D: Doofus! ...

G: Pottymouth! ...

D: Goodytwoshoes! ...

G: Pantywaist! ...

D: Religious fanatic!

DF: Thank you both very much. Goodnight, amen and hallelujah.

Croon a Tune: Wasn't: "Shaft." Wasn't: "The Rockford Files." Wasn't: "Starsky and Hutch."

Was: "S.W.A.T."

Last week's disco-tinged ditty -- which was recorded by Rhythm Heritage and topped the Billboard charts in 1975 -- came from the 1975-76 ABC series focusing on a police Special Weapons and Tactics squad. Steve Forrest, Rod Perry and Robert Urich starred in the series that agitated parents with its violent content and was subsequently canned.

Tune Croon titans who S.W.A.T-ted down this week's theme with ease were Andrew Hatcher, Linda Noel and Joe "That Was One of the Worst Themes I've Ever Heard" Lacy (don't hold back on us, there, Joe).

Now let your fingers do the walkin' over to 259-4012 and let your awesome knowledge of TV themes do the talkin' to tackle this week's quiz.

So now you're walkin,' yes, indeed, you're talkin'. ... If you can chew gum at the same time, you're one up on me.

Closing Credits: How can you channel surf and keep winding up on the same old wave? Easy:

Hey, there's Donny Osmond on MSNBC's "Headliners and Legends." He's talking about his social phobia. ... and in almost exactly the same words as he did on E!'s "Celebrity Profile." ... and in almost exactly the same words as he did on VH-1's "Behind the Music." ... and in almost exactly the same words he'll probably use on A&E's "Biography." ...

OK, maybe one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl.

But three? Someone oughtta check the expiration date.

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