That’s Life — Steve Bornfeld: Just can’t flee from the DMV

Friday, June 30, 2000 | 8:55 a.m.

Steve Bornfeld is the Sun features editor. His column appears Fridays. Reach him at steveb@lasvegassun.com or 259-4081.

A-109. That's my number among the waiting, restless herd ...

Now serving A-Zero-Six-Nine at Counter Number 18 ... Ticket numbers now? ... Is this the DMV or KFC? ... I'll have the three-piece Car Registration Renewal Meal (extra crispy, please) ... A-69, only 40 to go to A-109 ... Enough time to place a classified ad, sell the car and bamboozle the new owner into sitting here instead ... Now serving H-Eight-Three-Five at Counter Number 25 ... Ya know, for an electronic, sterile, one-note, synthesized, inflection-deprived, personality-free voice that reads off numbers with numbing monotony, that announcer babe sounds kinda sexy ... Now serving G ... Now serving E ... Now serving B ... Hey, look! Over the last six letters, the overhead screen spelled out GEBDIK -- and correctly, I might add! ... Now Serving A-Zero-Seven-Six at Counter Number 19 ... Why is the clerk at Counter 3 getting up? ... Sit down, sister, you do n't leave until we do ... No! Hey! No! ... C-L-O-S-E-D ... Lunch break? ... I hope they over-salt your fries at McDonald's ! ... Now serving I-Eight-Five-Five at Counter Number 14 ... Is that guy in the red shirt buying space at Counter 1, or just leasing? ... Four befuddled clerks have formed a huddle around one computer, staring like it's downloading dirty limericks ... Hey, folks: There once was an irate DMV customer from Nantucket ... Now serving A-Zero-Eight-Eight at Counter Number 20 ... Whoa, the Counter 3 lady is back ... I love you, sweetie ... No, really, I do ... Hope your fries were salted just right ... Cell phones are trilling Beethoven symphonies and "La Cucaracha" from people's back pockets like some sort of Fugue for Fannies ... Hey, buddy, your buns are ringing ... Now serving B-Seven-Six-Three at Counter Number 13 ... Ooooh, look at Counter 2! ... He's squirmin' ... His hips are in motion ... He's rising to leave ... Yeah, this guy's headin' out the ... Aaaah! ... He's only shovin' his wallet back in his pants ... COUNTER TEASE! ... Now Serving A-Zero-Nine-Six at Counter Number 6! ... OK, Counter 1 is closing but Counters 3 and 4 took on new customers but Counters 19 and 20 closed but Counters 14, 17 and 22 just opened but Counter 2 is still stalled but ... Damn, I lost Count! ... Now serving E-Seven-Two-Five at Counter Number 16 ... Mayday! Mayday! The Red Shirt Counter Hog is back ... He bullied his way back to Counter 3. ... Hey, no double dipping, Bozo! ... Now serving A-One-Zero-Zero at Counter 4 ... Broke the three-digit mark ... Oh, Lord, I can see the promised land! ... They've announced A-102 three times now ... Either send out the Coast Guard for him or move on! ... Now serving A-One-Zero-Three at Counter Number 20 ... Woooo-hooo! ... A-104 ... 105 ... 106 ... 107 ... Two to go ... Push it over the goal line, baby! ... Now serving A-One-Zero-Eight at Counter Number 22 ... Touch me! ... You feel those goose pimples? ... Sh ow papa that magic number ... T minus 5 seconds to A-109 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Liftoff? ... Do I hear liftoff? ... I ! don't hear liftoff ... Houston, don't give me a problem, OK? ... Let's light this candle! ... Now serving A-One-Zero-Nine at Counter Number 18 ...

PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE REGISTRATION!

Separating from the herd, I glance down at the ticket held by the guy next to me. A-149. Only 40 to go.