Dial File — Steve Bornfeld: If it’s not one thing, it’s another

Friday, Jan. 28, 2000 | 10:05 a.m.

Steve Bornfeld is the Sun features editor. His television column appears Fridays. Reach him at steveb@vegas.com or 259-4081.

Drum roll, please ...

Introducing new Bite-Size, gooey-chewy Dial File! (for those times when you just can't swallow it whole):

The title character of the new syndicated series "Cleopatra 2525" is the stage name of a 21st-century stripper who undergoes breast augmentation surgery, falls into a coma and winds up whisked into the 26th century.

And you thought there were no original TV concepts left.

And you thought there were no original TV concepts left -- Part II.

Maybe as part of the show's promotion, they can hold a contest. The winner gets to place the bullet. (OK, fine: And you thought there were no original TV concepts left -- Part III).

At the WB, that's akin to getting your AARP card.

They're reshuffling the formula: We did drugs/did drugs/did drugs/made one hit single/still do drugs.

He'll press the candidates hard on erectile dysfunction.

Advantage: Rock. He's got the bigger chest.

On cable, re-creating "The Contest" might get ugly.

Ah, so THAT'S why so many shows have so little atmosphere.

The quickest response came from the co-star and executive producer.

"I worry about that, yes," Ellen DeGeneres cracked.

She needn't worry. These days, only blacks, Hispanics, Asians and Indians have trouble finding acceptance on TV.

Well, if you toss in TALKING like a fool, Joan's got it covered.

Why, soitenly. Maybe he'll even do an un-billed cameo as the fat lady with the banana cream pie face, sticky black glop hair and buns afire. ... Wait, wasn't that "Lethal Weapon 4"?

What a proud member of the BROADcasting fraternity.

Geez, Michael Jackson just can't catch a break these days.

Nick-at-Nite and TV Land are thinking of suing.

Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling are angling for roles in a "Golden Girls" revival. Look for Luke Perry in hair dye commercials touting: "Get the gray out of your sideburns!"

Here's a thought: Make THAT the fall TV season, and just toss in the occasional "Frasier."

Can someone please escort Howard Stern to the nearest Supercuts?

Croon a Tune: No, it wasn't "T.J. Hooker" or "CHiPS," good guesses though they were. In fact, last week's theme -- the hint: a cop show that made its lead actor an unlikely sex symbol -- was ID'd by only four Mighty Tune Crooners who knew the notes that heralded lollipop-lickin' Theo "Kojak," memorably played by that late, great chrome dome, Telly Savalas.

Lollipops to: Tony Varchetto, Joe Lacy (who noted: "My wife wants to know if he's getting lollipops in heaven -- I'll betcha a Tootsie Roll he is"), Dan Ryan and Renee Savicki, who is so dedicated to Croon a Tune that she risked marital discord to phone in her answer ("contrary to my husband's opinion, it's 'Kojak' ").

At the risk of a skyrocketing divorce rate, call 259-4012 and wait out four rings to hear this week's Croon a Tune quiz.

Get it right and get custody of the kids.

Closing Credits: A quick note to two of TV's classiest characters, David Letterman and Michael J. Fox.

Hey, Dave: Get well soon.

Hey, Michael: Get well -- period.