Columnist Sandra Thompson: Alienation vs. abuse poses custody dilemma

Sandra Thompson

Sunday, Jan. 16, 2000 | 10:18 a.m.

Sandra Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. She can be reached at 259-4025 or through e-mail at thompson@lasvegassun.com.

SEVERAL STATES are considering expanding the definition of child abuse to include witnesses of domestic violence.

Some court systems go a step further, interpreting parental alienation as a form of child abuse because divorced parents who bash each other heap undue stress on their children. It's not uncommon for a Family Court judge to change custody because a custodial parent is not fostering a child's relationship with a noncustodial parent.

But what if a parent's bad attitude, bitterness and anger toward the other are the result of years of physical and mental abuse?

Consider the case of "Carol" and "John," the divorced parents of four children ranging in age from 8 to 15.

Carol says John physically and emotionally abused her and the children throughout the marriage. After the divorce, when she was awarded custody, she thought they would be "safe."

John, according to court records, says Carol would not allow the children to see him. He says she berated him in front of the children, making it difficult for him to have a positive relationship with them. So he sought a change in custody.

Despite the older children's contention that it was they who refused to see John because they feared his mood swings and abuse, the judge granted John custody.

John's attorney, in a letter to the court, says Carol's abuse claims aren't substantiated. One report blames Carol for the children's distress because she "uses them as pawns to inflict her revenge."

Court records contain a letter from Carol to one of her children that talks about "the despicable, low, disgusting, backstabbing things your father has done to you kids."

Carol admits she was -- and is -- angry and wrote some "stupid things." But, she asks, is that worse than the abuse she and the children suffered?

According to one report, John admitted pouring water from an iron on his son's head. The water was not hot enough to burn the boy, but he allegedly had bruises or finger marks on his body. John's explanation was that he was just trying to get the reluctant boy up for school.

The children say John humiliates and shames them, he has punched holes in the doors and walls of their home, and has broken items belonging to the children.

When one of the boys ran away from home, he says John put up posters in the neighborhood describing him as having brown hair and brown eyes. The boy has blond hair and blue eyes. John allegedly dismissed the discrepancy, saying he was in a hurry to get the posters up.

It was recommended that John attend anger-management classes and work on his parenting techniques. John says he's trying; what else can he do when the children won't listen?

All have undergone counseling. But there are conflicting therapists' reports and recommendations on custody. The oldest two children were represented by their own attorneys. They even spoke to the judge, pleading to be with their mother. They contend their voices are being ignored. Their actions, however, speak volumes. Two of them have run away from home several times. One of the boys' grades have gone from A's to F's. One talked of suicide (further counseling and Prozac were recommended). It's not an uncommon pattern for children in contentious custody cases.

These four children have been put through an emotional wringer. How can we expect them to come out whole?

Court records place a great deal of emphasis on Carol's "vengeful" behavior. Little weight is given to the children's accounts of abusive incidents.

There is no excuse for parental alienation, even though it may take super-human efforts to refrain from saying anything negative about an abusive ex-partner. Yet there is no excuse for abuse such as pouring water from an iron on your son's head or humiliating him.

Is one "offense " greater than the other?

In the eyes of an adult, it's parental alienation.

In the eyes of a child, it's physical abuse.