Columnist Susan Snyder: A cavalcade of holiday bargains

Tuesday, Dec. 19, 2000 | 10:06 a.m.

Susan Snyder's column appears Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Reach her at snyder@lasvegassun.com or 259-4082.

Five days left.

Freaking out yet?

If by some unfortunate circumstance or poor judgment you still face the task of Christmas shopping, members of Elves Local 567 want you to know it's too late to expect any help from them. The contract states that no gifts shall be made, wrapped or put on the sleigh after Dec. 18.

But to make those last-minute decisions a bit easier, they worked some overtime compiling a list of gifts headed straight for Goodwill Dec. 26:

The Ab-Wheel: Put it down and back away from the display.

I don't care if it's only $9.99. I don't care that it comes in a box the perfect size for wrapping. I don't care that your wife has said she wants to firm up her tummy and has been looking at these gadgets. This decision ranks right up there with "Does this dress make me look fat?" Do the right thing.

ScrubbyToes: This pair of slippers slides over your shoes and allows your feet to do the scrubbing, polishing and drying as you mop. Scrape up those tough spots with the scrubby pad affixed to the toe. The rest of the sole is made of absorbent terry cloth that picks up crumbs, hair and dirt and dries excess water. Costs $9.95. Call (800) 803-4370. Regular shipping and handling is $2.95, but overnight delivery likely will cost more.

Tree in a Box: This $5.99 racket supposedly is a kit with which your child can grow his or her very own Douglas fir, dawn redwood or blue spruce. Don't fret that your child will be wearing bifocals before the thing resembles a tree. Part of the price goes toward tree and wildlife conservation. Wonder how many trees died for the box?

Electric Windshield Scraper: It's for ice. This is Las Vegas. Wad up 16 $1 bills and flush them instead.

The Elves spotted this in a "men's furnishings department." In December this no-man's land is packed with useless junk, most of which plugs into some kind of power source or holds the remote control and TV Guide.

Women flock to this department two or three days before Christmas when they realize their significant others really did buy them the diamond pendant, and they must somehow supplement the Ab-Wheel and Sylvester golf-club covers.

Chia Pet: These clay planters once reigned over the kingdom of $5 white-elephant gift exchanges. They now cost $14.95. Seriously. Chia Cow and Chia Sheep have been joined by Chia Dinosaur, Chia Tweety, Chia Clown and the ever-popular Chia Guy. (I think I went out with him once.)

Big Mouth Billy Bass: This reprehensible waste of plastic and batteries inspired the creation of Travis Trout, Jaws Shark, Rocky Lobster, Cool Catfish and Jake the Jackalope, which sings "Born to Be Alive." That's especially disturbing coming from an animal whose head is mounted on a wall.

Once sold for about $25, many now run $5.99-$9.99 in time for last-minute shopping trips. Save your money. These things are bound for "free-with-a-fill-up" status come January.

Nose refrigerator magnet: It's rubbery and makes sneezing, snotty noises when you squeeze it. Ick.

Desktop darts: The board is about 7 inches across and comes mounted in a wood frame atop a table picture-frame style. Robin Hood couldn't hit the thing. Include a certificate from Home Depot's paint and spackle department.