Columnist Sandra Thompson: Youngsters demanding choice in custody

Sandra Thompson

Sunday, Sept. 19, 1999 | 1:28 a.m.

Sandra Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. She can be reached at 259-4025 or through e-mail at thompson@lasvegassun.com

AT 12, "MARY" fears her father. He drinks, she says, and verbally abuses her and her younger sister.

It was the same kind of abuse her mother endured before the father divorced her, Mary says. Now she's living the "same nightmare" because her father has custody of the two girls.

"I don't think I need to take this abuse any longer," Mary says. "I'm the kind of girl who buries all of the abuse deep inside me. When it bursts, will I be able to control myself from going on a rampage of total destruction? Please help me."

Mary is one of several children who have lost faith in the Family Court system and adults in general. At 12, she believes she should have some say in where she lives. The judge, however, won't talk to Mary.

In 1997, Mary's mother lost primary custody of her two daughters, although it's unclear why. Despite concerns raised by a baby sitter about the girls' welfare while with their father, he was given primary physical custody.

Mary, a straight-A student, has written letters, the latest to Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman, begging to be heard and pleading for a change in custody. The mayor expressed concern, but he has no jurisdiction over Family Court.

"Joe," 14, wrote to the judge in his case asking for more time with his dad and grandmother. He was a good student, but because of problems in his mother's home, his grades fell and he ran away several times.

"Bonnie" also is at wit's end. The teenager wants to be with her mother. She's lost faith in the court, therapists and all adults because every time she gets her hopes up that she'll get to live with her mother, she is told to stay with her dad in what she says is a frightening environment.

Mary sums up all their feelings in a written plea: "At 12, can't I have some rights? A choice? Will anyone listen?"

There are no universal guidelines on whether judges should talk to children in custody cases. Some judges make it a point in the more contentious cases. Others have third parties such as counselors talk to the child. Some appoint guardian ad litems to represent the child's interest in court. Still others refuse to talk to the children at all, no matter the age.

Bill Grimm, an attorney with the California-based National Center for Youth Law, says most judges struggle with the issue. The resource guidelines of the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges discuss who should be present at hearings involving child abuse and neglect, but not custody cases. It's only late in the process that a child's presence is mandated, Grimm says, and he may get to talk to the judge.

Family law experts point out that what's in the child's best interest, which is supposed to be the benchmark in determining custody, is not always what the child wants.

But what's appropriate for a 2-year-old may not be in the best interests of a 12-year-old.

"It's striking that the changing developmental needs of the child or the child's wishes have not been considered as a change of circumstance to modify custody or visiting in the majority of states," writes Joan B. Kelly, Ph.D., in an article, "The Determination of Child Custody in the U.S.A."

"What best serves a 9-year-old may be developmentally inconsistent with the needs of an adolescent, a number of whom express a desire to change custody, particularly when they have lived primarily with one parent."

Kelly notes that "most states don't recognize the child's wish to get to know the other parent or to remove oneself from the household of an angry, punitive parent, or to escape an alcoholic parent as a change of circumstance."

Locally, Family Court judges' opinions vary on if -- and at what age -- they should talk to children about custody.

Dianne Steel, acting presiding Family Court judge, says that because of heavy caseloads, judges don't have time to talk to every child even if they wanted to.

"If a child is 12 or 13 and there is a strong desire from the pleadings, I do talk to the child in most cases," she says. She did not preside over any of the cases involving the children referred to earlier.

Children should not be made to feel that they must choose one parent over the other. It's the judge's decision, Steel says.

"Some kind of criteria (on talking to kids) would be good, so people would know when to count on it," she says. "But each case is different; each family is different."

That's why Mary, Joe and Bonnie want to talk to the judges in their cases. They don't want to be treated like everyone else. They want their voices to be heard.