Dial File — Steve Bornfeld: Nets need new concept: Classics 2000

Friday, Oct. 15, 1999 | 8:20 a.m.

Steve Bornfeld is the Sun features editor. His television column appears Fridays.

Tele-time marches on:

The Past as Present: "Nick at Nite officials in New York report that 'The Jeffersons' has become the network's No. 1 program among adults 18 to 49 years old," read a story by Scripps Howard News Service. "And 'All in the Family' and 'Sanford and Son' are drawing record crowds to sister network TV Land."

The Present as Future:

"After much debate within Fox," read a dispatch from a TV trade magazine, "a scene in last week's episode of 'Action,' where lead character Peter Dragon received oral sex from another man, was tightly edited."

The Future as Armageddon: "Overall, cable for the quarter (year) increased its viewership 7 percent in prime time to 25.8 million homes," read the report in the trade magazine, "growing its lead over the broadcast networks from 467,000 households last year to 2.9 million homes."

The Conclusion: The Past divided by The Present just might avert The Future for the frantically fading networks.

For you non-math majors, an explanation: While the networks sink into the Nielsen tar pits on the backs of such sleaze sprees as "Action" -- supposedly pointing the way for broadcast TV's future -- cable continues its climb, bolstered in part by replays of the relatively sexless, curseless relics created by ... the networks.

If you love to dine on irony, it's an all-you-can-eat feast.

The Suggestion: For the 2000 season -- with coarseness on course to continue but clean-cut nostalgia on a comeback -- the networks should infuse yesterday's series with today's sensibilities for tomorrow's hits. It's simple. I'll demonstrate:

"Green Acres 2000": Retired coke dealer Oliver Douglas and his semiretired madam-wife, Lisa, decide to move to Hooters-ville. Oliver, fed up with the rat race of urban coke dealing, settles into a more sedate lifestyle, peacefully growing marijuana on the farm and sharing leisurely afternoon joints with Mr. Haney and Arnold the Pig. But Lisa, desperately bored and missing her glamorous past, teams up with local pimp Sam Drucker to go into the bordello biz. Because Sam is the majority partner, the budding business is dubbed Drucker's ------- (let's just say it rhymes). The theme song may need some tweaking along the lines of "da-da-da-da-da -- THE CHORES! Da-da-da-da-da -- THE WHORES! ..."

"Father Knows Best 2000": Kathy, once affectionately called "Kitten" by her adoring father, is now grown up and filled-out and carries another feline-inspired nickname among the boys at school, who have gotten to know her in ways her pop could never have imagined. Princess is truly living like one, having founded the country's most successful vibrator manufacturer (Motto: Every Princess deserves her very own Prince ). But Bud is causing problems. Jim and Margaret, returning home from their 12-step program one night, decide it's not too late to have a talk with the boy, who was spotted French-kissing his high school sweetie, Stanley. Bud meets Mom and Dad wearing his favorite Judy Garland-as-Dorothy outfit, cradling Toto. Margaret pulls the hidden Dewar's out of her apron pocket. Jim frets when he can't find a clean hypodermic.

"The Partridge Family 2000": After passing around the family crack pipe -- Come On, Get Happy! -- the Partridges head out for a gig at a local religious cult. After the amiable zealots toss back a few and slit a few chicken throats to the jaunty Partridge cover of UGK's "Pimpin' Ain't No Illusion," they offer up little Tracy as a human sacrifice. Surprisingly, the band sounds exactly the same without her tambourine! In between sets, Shirley strips down to her fishnets and push-up bra, handcuffs Mr. Kinkaid to the back of the psychedelic bus and orders him to keep repeating: "Nervous Mother Driving --- oooooh, baby!" Keith and Laurie, only infants when last in a bathtub together, decide they're way overdue for another rub-a-dub-dub. And Danny, sadly setting the stage for later life, tries to grope a groupie back stage, then throws a punch when he discovers that the she is a he.

"Gilligan's Island 2000": Sexually frustrated Gilligan spends way too much time with his very own "little buddy" until he's caught red-handed by Mrs. Howell. A reinvigorated Gilligan regularly takes Lovey on marathon "three-hour tours." A drooling Thurston likes to watch. Ginger, discouraged that she can't convince the Professor to surrender his virginity, finally gives in to Mary Ann's pleas for a hot lesbian affair. Every day they send messages in a bottle to Melissa Etheridge and pick up the audio of "Ellen" reruns on a shortwave radio. The skipper, ever determined to get the castaways off the island, discovers a mysterious tropical herb called Viagra but accidentally leaves it on the decrepit boat before he can sample it. The next day, the masts are ramrod straight.

"The Brady Bunch 2000": "Here's the story, of a slutty madam, who was bringing up three very slutty girls; all of them had silicone, like their mother; the youngest one in spikes; here's the story of a pimp named Brady, who was busy with three pimps of his own; they were four pimps, pimping all together, but they were all alone; till the one day when this sleazeball met this madam, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch; that these creeps should somehow form a whorehouse; that's the way they all became the Brady Sluts."

Call me crazy. I think it could work.

Croon a Tune: Some guessed "Bewitched." Some picked "The Jetsons." One declared: "This is a stumper. I better have my wife listen to it." Another announced: "I'm gonna have to watch Nick at Nite all week to figure that one out." Yet another concluded: "I don't think I've ever heard it." Actually, you probably have. Think Danny's daughter. Think a squeaky-voiced "Donald!" Think spunky single gal, pre-"Mary Tyler Moore."

That Song? "That Girl."

Nailing the Marlo Thomas/Ted Bessell sitcom song were attuned Tune Crooners Dan Ryan. Robin Skelly, Peter Green, Joe Lacy, Daniel Brown, Augie Kunkel, Renee Savicki and Sol Rosenberg.

To hear this week's theme -- for a show starring an act that is still a Vegas staple three decades later and returns to town again next week -- phone 259-4012 (it picks up after four rings). Name it this week. Get named next week. What more could you want out of life?

Closing Credits: Looking beyond "Baywatch," David Hasselhoff has signed on for a new syndicated series, trade magazine Electronic Media reports. In the show, titled "AKA Picasso," Hasselhoff will play William Ross, described as a "dashing, sophisticated, suave, intellectual rogue."

Glad they clarified that. It could have been the usual clumsy, smelly, badly dressed, IQ-of-a-handball rogue.