Dial File — Steve Bornfeld: A little naughty, a little nice

Friday, Nov. 12, 1999 | 10:31 a.m.

Steve Bornfeld is the Sun features editor. His television column appears Fridays. Reach him at 259-4081 or steveb@vegas.com

To quote Rene Descartes: Cogito ergo sum.

Translation: "I think, therefore I am."

As always, this column stands as a vigorous rebuttal to such folderol:

Remember when commercials didn't need ratings?

Consider:

The Internet company ad in which a guy now able to work at home grills in the back yard, minus the confinement of clothing. Or the Brut deodorant sales pitch: "Brut has been considered an effective treatment for erectile dysfunction." Or the Kia-SUV come-on, complete with a "size matters" joke and a woman comforting a male driver of a competing SUV as if he couldn't, uh, well, see the Brut ad.

Beyond the pure pre-pubescence of it all, consider that parents can monitor titillating TV within regularly scheduled shows to shield children from "mature" material. Control: Parents.

But parents can't yank kids out of the way of speeding hit-and-run ads that strike without warning. Control: Advertisers.

You could always extend "content ratings" to commercials and slap 'em with a Parental Guidance warning -- assuming there was a chance to provide any.

In 1993 Dennis Franz called Sharon Lawrence "a pissy little bitch" on "NYPD Blue" and the TV world blanched. In 1999 Mark Harmon declared that "(a crude euphemism for excrement) happens" on "Chicago Hope" and nobody flinched.

In a documentary on the Jonestown massacre currently running on A&E (a member of basic cable, which normally follows the same rules of etiquette -- such as they are -- as the broadcast networks), That Word That Happens also makes a casual, unbleeped appearance, slipping out the mouth of a survivor.

Hey, "progress" happens, right?

And now that such prime-time poetry has been uttered, will That Word That Happens soon be happening all over the tube? Not likely -- not yet, anyway. But everything's in place to eventually add That Word That Happens to the prime-time vocabulary.

Just as "ass" debuted on 10 p.m. drama series and eventually migrated down to 8 p.m. sitcoms, so shall That Word That Happens -- but at a more glacial pace, given that That Word That Happens still has a more coarse kick to it than your garden-variety TV vulgarity.

Hey, maybe someday columns such as this one can actually print That Word That Happens in a family newspaper. And won't we all be enriched and enlightened beyond measure by such a privilege?

In some ways we're getting nastier (see above). But in some ways we're getting nicer (see below).

While the viewing public pummels such series sewage as "Action" -- which got so little of its title in terms of ratings that Fox actually benched it during the crucial November sweeps -- it embraces mature, emotionally richer family dramas such as returning hit "Providence" and the new "Family Law" and "Judging Amy."

In a delicious irony, the exquisite "Once and Again" -- a new relationship drama of uncommon quality -- borrowed the "NYPD Blue" time slot for its fall launch and so connected with viewers that it nearly convinced ABC to indefinitely shelve "Blue, " the show that stands as this decade's nude-and-nasty signature series. (Originally slated for a November return, "Blue" will now reappear in January, while "Once and Again" gets a new time slot.)

Despite a network season front-loaded with shows earmarked as "edgy" and "raw," viewers seem to be voting for "touchy" and "feely."

Memo to network execs: Hey, (That Word) Happens.

And on an even nicer -- not to mention more ironic -- note, big, Broadway-style musicals, once a staple of the big screen, then seemingly banished from the pop culture scene (save for PBS productions), are resurfacing on the small screen.

Following up on 1997's blockbuster "Cinderella," ABC's adaptation of "Annie" last week scored sensational ratings, reportedly prompting the network to seriously consider mounting new productions of "The Music Man" and "Mame" -- the latter to possibly star Babs Streisand.

These are the kinds of productions that once graced only PBS. But challenged by cable -- which seemingly has a separate channel now for every type of cultural program that had been exclusive to public television in decades past -- PBS has taken on a more commercial flavor.

In turn, the networks -- similarly challenged by cable, which upped the ante on entertainment programming by infusing the kind of vivid violence, frank sexuality and blunt language that would earn the networks an FCC spanking -- may be starting to discover the pleasures of PBS-style counter-programming.

Hey, sometimes good (That Word) Happens.

Pride and the presidency.

Now there are a couple of words that haven't been on speaking terms with each other lately.

And even if they're still rather standoff-ish in President Bill Clinton's White House, at least they're enjoying a reinvigorating reunion in President Josiah Bartlet's "West Wing."

So the former is real and the latter is unreal. Hey, let's take our pleasures -- and our presidential pride -- wherever we can find them.

As Los Angeles Daily News writer David Kronke put it in a story on the series, the faux prez in "The West Wing" (9 p.m. Wednesdays on NBC) is "a principled man who invariably opts for the right decision over the politically prudent one. He doesn't care about politics, only about helping his fellow Americans, and has surrounded himself with a staff of sharp, canny professionals more attuned to getting the job done than to brown-nosing the boss. ... What planet does this show take place on, anyway?"

It's TV's most noble act this season: reintroducing us to Our Better Selves. While the tube is relentlessly attacked for piling on degrading images, here's an instance in which after fact lets us down, fiction builds us back up.

The pride we can take in Martin Sheen's presidential portrayal as Bartlet in Aaron Sorkin's superb new series is considerable and -- in an odd vicarious/wish fulfillment sort of way -- cathartic.

If for nothing else, be grateful that Sorkin and Sheen have given us a president who doesn't play with his cigars.

Or, to put it in more familiar terms: Don't you love it when great (That Word) Happens?

Croon a Tune: "We're going swingin', we're gonna swing in the crowd, and we'll be clingin', and floatin' high as a cloud, the phones are ringin', my mom and dad are so proud, I'm on Bandstand -- Bandstand."

Burmese Bandstand? Bora Bora Bandstand? Heidelberg Bandstand? Pango Pango Bandstand?

Somehow it's hard to picture Dick Clark in subtitles, so we'll settle for "American Bandstand" as last week's tune (the actual title of the original instrumental is "Bandstand Boogie") -- but you knew that at first listen. The question was: Who crooned that tune when a vocal track was added late in the show's run?

The answer is Bette Midler's piano player when the two played the Continental Baths in New York City nearly 30 years ago. He later went on to Write the Songs That Make the Whole World Sing and reminisced about the old days At the Copa, Copacabana, the Hottest Spot North of Havana.

Recognizing the pop-flavored pipes of "Bandstand" belter Barry Manilow were hip, happenin' Croon Tuners Debra Sullivan, Alex Jeanos, Joe Lacy, Peter Green, Ruth Stein, Renee Savicki, Kristin North, Augie Kunkel, Dione Massa, Tony Varchetto, Rose Oram and Ali Rose.

And while you're still in that Bandstand Boogie mood, boogie oogie oogie on over to 259-4012 (it will pick up after four rings) and listen to this week's Croon-a-Tune till you just can't boogie no more.

You name it this week. You're named next week.

Boogie on, baby.

Closing Credits: Judge Judy. Judge Jerry. Judge Joe. Judge Mills.

Do you think we'll ever see the end of Judgment Days on syndicated TV?

If you don't, your judgment's just dandy.

And you've got to wonder if the next crop of courtroom shows has been thought out with any sense of ... how to put this ... judiciousness.

Up for consideration on next season's docket: A relationship-court hybrid show called "Singles Court," and another based on probate court called "Legacy: Rest in Peace."

Should there be a court show about court shows?

They can call it "Kangaroo Court."

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