Columnist Melissa Schorr: Pearls of wisdom for grads

Melissa Schorr

Monday, May 24, 1999 | 9:41 a.m.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN OF THE CLASS OF '99:

Never pose for nude photographs.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, this would be it.

The person you trust in now could turn around and stab you in the back once you've hit the big time. If you learn anything from Dr. Laura Schlessinger, this should be it.

OK, so it's not the sage advice of "Wear Sunscreen," but it'll have to do.

That particular pearl of wisdom is credited to the Chicago Tribune's Mary Schmich, who penned a column of advice to 1997 graduates, which was mistakenly attributed to author Kurt Vonnegut and eventually spawned the hit single "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" (for which Schmich netted a meager $87, I might add).

Schmich also wrote: "I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt."

So, with your indulgence, here's my own spew of semi-wisdom, based on a decade of post-graduate life:

Ask for what you want. You'll be surprised how often the answer is yes.

Everyone pads their resume. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet. HMOs will do anything they can to deny a claim.

Turning 21 pretty much marks the beginning of the end of the joy of bar-hopping.

Don't worry if you look horrendous in your high school yearbook photo. The only way it will matter is if you turn up dead in a ditch and the TV news media has to run a picture of you. Besides, at your 10-year reunion, you'll look so fabulous no one will recognize you. I swear.

Never throw anything away. Ever. It might be worth something, someday.

Stay away from Jagermeister.

Your first real job will probably suck, but you'll fondly reminisce about it nevertheless.

The "Real World" is not anything like MTV says it is.

Drive a wonderfully impractical car once in your life, before you even think about buying an SUV.

Watch "It's A Wonderful Life" all the way through at least once. Read "The Fountainhead."

Don't be scared to experiment: with your sexuality, your hair color, your assumptions.

Try to accept your body, even if it takes a lifetime. Find an exercise regimen you can stick to, even if it takes a lifetime.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Forgive yourself.

Defy expectations -- if you're a girl, learn to play a mean game of Texas hold 'em; if you're a guy, learn to cook a mean plate of pasta.

At some point live somewhere other than the place you were born. Visit the place your grandparents were born. Nod politely when your parents point out the places they were born, that have since gone to pot.

Don't screw up your credit rating.

There never will be "a good time." Do it now. Or don't do it at all.

You'll never get truly rich working for someone else.

Use jealousy as a kick in the butt. Use misery as a creative muse. Use anger to clean the house.

Have an affair to remember.

Adopt an animal.

Work hard. Relax harder. Hire a masseuse, if necessary.

Above all, promptly forget any advice given to you by a commencement speaker.

But trust me on those nude photographs.