Columnist John Katsilometes: Time to fluoridate our lives

Tuesday, May 4, 1999 | 9:15 a.m.

Item: The Nevada Assembly voted last month for a bill that requires the fluoridation of water in Clark and Washoe counties. Under the bill, water furnished in Clark County by the Las Vegas Valley Water District would be fluoridated. The bill's fate is to be decided by the state Senate.

The phone blared. The caller identified himself only as "a powerful politician":

"We want to fluoridate your water."

"Why?"

"Because it's good for you. It prevents tooth decay."

"But I don't have tooth decay ..."

"Not yet."

"... and my toothpaste already has plenty of fluoride."

"But four out of five dentists surveyed recommend fluoridated water for their patients who use water."

"I thought that was for sugarless gum."

"Whatever. Trust me, the dentists are for it."

"But my concern is, if you need to fluoridate my drinking water, what's next?"

"Glad you asked. We're also adding Minoxodil -- the active ingredient in Rogaine -- so you won't go bald."

"But I'm not going bald."

"Not yet. See, it is our dream that all Clark County residents will have healthy heads of hair, like the guy who plays 'Hercules.' "

"What other wonderful improvements to our daily life do you have planned?"

"If you listen closely, you'll hear a faint hum through your telephone earpiece."

"Yeah, I hear it. What's this all about?"

"It's a subliminal tutorial recording. Without you even knowing it, we're teaching you Spanish."

"Pero, no necicito hablar espanol!"

"See, it's already working. Because of our growing Hispanic population, speaking Spanish will come in handy, as will learning French."

"Now, I know I don't need to learn French."

"But it's such a beautiful language. In our lifetime, Clark County will be brimming with multilingual citizens chatting in any number of languages while running their fingers through Herculean hairstyles."

"I'm really nervous about this infringement on my private life."

"Don't worry. Wait till you see what we have planned for your front lawn, the soon-to-be enacted MFA -- Mandatory Fertilizing Act."

"Don't tell me."

"A group of manure-toting government representatives will fertilize the lawns of you and your neighbors. The department will be known as the Green Machine!"

"Well, what if I want to pull up the sod and replace it with gravel?"

"Glad you asked. Our PRI -- that's the Pebble Replacement Initiative -- calls for the removal of all small rocks littering yards, walkways and driveways."

"What will they be replaced with?"

"Flintstones chewable vitamins. If a little boy decides to put rocks in his mouth, he'll now receive his daily allowance of government-mandated vitamins. It's quite innovative, really."

"I'm glad I don't have kids."

"But you will, thanks to CCCP -- the Conception plan for Clark County Parents. A government-assigned counselor will visit your home to 'assist' in the forming of a family, which we feel is in the best interest of ..."

Click.