Columnist John Katsilometes: Give bocce a sporting chance

Tuesday, June 8, 1999 | 9:24 a.m.

Maybe you're tired of the gym. Or fearful of jogging outdoors. Or weary of patching punctured bike tires.

Perhaps you've sweared off sweat. And maybe you're pondering a pure form of sporting entertainment and an unfettered recreational activity.

Something old. Something new.

Something like bocce.

Rarely does a participant in bocce suffer an injury. There are no severed spines, fractured limbs or concussed brains in bocce competitions.

Bocce is refreshingly free of drug controversies. No steroid-enhanced participants are forced to forfeit bocce championships. No cocaine-fueled bocce players have suffered career-crippling arrests or are on a first-name basis with Betty Ford.

Darryl Strawberry is not a bocce player.

Bocce doesn't go on strike or suffer from player/management unrest.

Bocce has no giant, furry, inane mascots.

Upon scoring, no bocce player dances the Funky Chicken.

Bocce players see no need to wear expensive uniforms emblazoned with fancy corporate logos.

Bocce players can sip wine during competition. Some even smoke.

There is no artificial turf in bocce.

There is no discernible sweating in bocce, no pulled muscles or participants collapsing from exhaustion.

Bocce is not an Olympic sport. No bocce official has ever been part of a high-ranking Olympic committee. No bocce official has ever been bribed by Olympic committee administrators in places like Nagano, Japan, and Salt Lake City.

Little people can play bocce as well as big people. Young people can play as well as old; females as well as males.

There is no "Extreme Bocce."

Bocce need not worry about rising or falling television ratings, local TV and radio contracts or a highly expensive marketing campaign.

Mustard-stained reporters and immaculately coiffed television personalities ignore bocce almost totally.

The National Guard has never been summoned to quell a bocce riot. Bingeing buffoons from Great Britain or Scotland or Ireland have never warred over a bocce contest.

There has never been a report alleging a bocce match was "fixed."

Bocce players don't throw low blows or bite each other's ears.

There's no risk of animal cruelty -- like drugged thoroughbreds or starved Greyhounds -- in bocce.

Dennis Rodman doesn't play bocce. Howard Cosell never called a bocce match. Bocce is not put up for ridicule by smarmy ESPN "SportsCenter" anchors.

There are no dry ice, flashing lights, blaring dance music or fireworks in bocce. There are no savage, shrieking he-men in bikini briefs heaving each other around in staged competition.

Bocce doesn't prompt assorted physical ailments and psychological burnout among teenage girls. There are no abusive, overbearing "Bocce Dads."

There are no divots, water hazards, sand traps or lost balls in bocce.

Bocce is self-policing. No umpires or referees are required. There is no nose-to-nose arguing, chest-bumping or dirt kicking.

Don King isn't involved with bocce.

Bocce needn't make apologies. It is what it is. It's a good game. Let it roll, baby, roll.