Columnist John Katsilometes: An idea of Titanic proportions

Tuesday, June 1, 1999 | 9:59 a.m.

I found a big wad of money on the floor of the Stratosphere the other day, a couple billion dollars (give or take 10 million) and I'm using it to invest in my own hotel-casino.

I'm calling it The Hindenburg.

Here's the plan:

The Hindenburg will be on the east side of the Strip, on the very spot currently occupied by the Klondike Hotel & Casino, which I purchased yesterday for $28.

We're having an implosion of the Klondike this weekend. But unlike the splashy, expensive implosions of the Sands, Hacienda, Dunes, Aladdin and Circus Circus (sorry, wishful thinking), the implosion of the Klondike will be a much more informal affair.

I've hired the defensive line for next year's UNLV football team to come down and blow on the place. It shouldn't take more than a couple of healthy exhales, and down she'll go. Whump!

Then we'll get to work. The Hindenburg will be built using the exact blueprint of the original German-engineered zeppelin, which exploded and crashed on May 6, 1937, as a result of an intricate conspiracy involving the Mafia, FBI, CIA, Cuban exiles, war-hungry Pentagon officials and right-wing Republicans.

Wait. That was the JFK assassination.

The Hindenburg will measure 804 feet in length with a diameter of 135 feet (talk about signage space!) and will be kept afloat by 200,000 cubic meters of hydrogen in 16 cells.

My first duty as owner of The Hindenburg will be to find out, exactly, what a "cell" is. The second will be to get some juice with a local hydrogen retailer.

There is one significant modification: The Hindenburg will not be equipped with four 1,050-horsepower Daimler-Benz diesel engines, which pushed the original craft along at about 80 mph. We don't want this baby going anywhere. We want it to stay afloat a couple thousand feet above the Strip, held in place by eight bulky steel cables bolted to the asphalt.

Of course, The Hindenburg will feature all of the amenities found on the original airship along with a spacious gaming area (winners will be paid in imitation deutsche marks!) and 1,937 rooms (to honor the year of the crash!).

The critically acclaimed, high-end Transcontinental Restaurant will offer the finest in German dishes. Our Hydro-Gin Martini Lounge & Dance Club is sure to appeal to younger, jet-setting tourists. Nightly entertainment will be provided at the 1,200-seat Silver Liner Theatre, just down from Dirigible's, our 24-hour diner.

One question we're sure to be asked at our grand opening: What if our high-roller guests, hovering a couple thousand feet above the Strip in a self-contained hotel-casino, want to get off?

They can't. Not until we ground the craft, which happens every two hours or so (depending on the wind). It should be quite a site for curious onlookers -- any aviation buff will tell you that, in the heyday of German lighter-than-air transportation technology, there was no more breathtaking site than the landing of a majestic Graf Zeppelin or Hindenburg.

Here's the real hook: Randomly and without warning, The Hindenburg catches a spark and bursts into a giant hydrogen bomb, just as it did on that fateful afternoon in Lakehurst, N.J.

Oh, the humanity!

Imagine the adrenal excitement shared by innocent pedestrians and airborne guests nervously anticipating the next "Hindenburg Experience." The molten metal, searing heat and shrieks of the masses will be very real, indeed.

Steve Wynn's pirate battle would be a mindless puppet show by comparison. His volcano will be reduced to a mere firecracker; his Bellagio water show no more impressive than a Wham-O Wacky Wiggle Water Toy.

You might be wondering: Is the "Hindenburg Experience" safe? Let me remind inhabitants of a city adept at playing the odds that, in the original Hindenburg "disaster," 64 of the 97 passengers and crew on board survived.

That means only 33 perished, or about a third. You won't find better odds in this town.

In fact, in a more controlled climate (with emergency and medical staffs constantly on alert and law enforcement always at the ready) we expect the number of fatalities to at least be halved.

The Hindenburg motto shall be: "Twice The Thrill at Half the Expense!"

Some say I'm nuts to embark on such a pie-in-the-sky venture. Maybe I am. I'm new to this casino business. What I need is a powerful, savvy casino veteran with the vision and chutzpah to get this project off the ground.

I mean, a guy like Bob Stupak would take this concept and run with it. You in, Bob?