Sound Check — Geoff Carter: Some suggestions for an arson-free Woodstock event

Friday, July 30, 1999 | 9:55 a.m.

Geoff Carter's music column appears Fridays. Reach him at carter@vegas.com.

Attention Woodstock 1999 promoters: It didn't have to go down this way, with the fires, the rioting, the Limp Bizkit, the what-have-you. You could have had your "three days of peace and music" if you had simply changed a few rules. There's no need to hire extra security or firemen for the 2004 event -- just implement these simple changes and not one trailer will be set aflame, not one potentially crippling mosh pit-related injury will be inflicted and -- most importantly -- that drugged, don't-move-just-soil-yourself-hippie stupor will return.

First, and most importantly: Declare an age limit. Allow no one younger than 21, allow no one older than 25. This will eliminate the Crank-Crazed Moron Contingent at one pole, and the "it's nothing like it was in '94" whiners at the opposite extreme -- to say nothing of the irritating, embittered hippies who attended the 1969 festival and persist in outliving their relevance.

Confiscate all digital phones, pagers, Palm Pilots, laptops, two-way radios and hand-cranked ship-to-shore phones. Administer a horse tranquilizer to those who refuse to comply. All information with the outside world will be filtered through a 63-year-old, brain-damaged former Grand Funk Railroad roadie named "Izzy" and broadcast over a public address system that drops every third word.

Replace all soft drinks with sugared-down chloral hydrate; replace Jagermeister with Phenobarbital (as if there's any difference).

Cool the crowds down with showers of refreshing tar.

Bring in a commando Feng Shui team to balance the elements of the festival grounds.

Replace all bands with indefatigable big-beat whiz kid Fatboy Slim. After playing for three straight days he'll be just about ready to stop for tea, and the audience will have fainted from exhaustion and consequently will be unable to burn, or riot, or move.

Add a tent of pro-bono psychiatrists to answer the tough questions facing the youth of 2004, questions like "Where is Bosnia?" "I heard there was once a layer of atmosphere that filtered out the sun's ultraviolet rays, is that true?" "Why does my older brother hate beloved cultural icon Jar Jar Binks?" And, most importantly, "What was Limp Bizkit?"

To hell with the hippie posturing. Just call it as we see it: "Three days of arson, $10 beers, urinating on your hung-over buddies and -- time permitting -- music."

Stereo Dynamics

"Hey Ho Let's Go! The Ramones Anthology," The Ramones, Warner Archives/ Rhino

Probably not one among you, the citizens of the great state of Nevada, can recall how your last Ramones Day was spent. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that you've all forgotten to observe Aug. 25 -- the day the mighty Ramones played the Vegas show of their farewell tour at the Hard Rock Joint, back in 1995.

A momentous occasion indeed, and the Honorable Bob Miller recognized it as such -- and declared a state holiday in the legendary New York punk band's honor.

Rhino Record's new, better than complete and immaculately remastered Ramones compilation reminds me of that glorious day -- the split-legged "warrior poses," the two-minute songs, the craziest mosh pit I've ever seen.

While crashing and surfing through these 58 scruffy little masterpieces, I could hear vocalist Joey Ramone's Vegas benediction in the back of my head: "This one's for Bugsy Siegel -- he took a wicked p--s and envisioned all of this." I could picture guitarist Johnny Ramone, almost blowing the lead to "Sheena is a Punk Rocker," temporarily distracted by two (alleged) Penthouse Pets.

I hear the shouted "1-2-3-4" that separated one song from the next -- from "Blitzkrieg Bop" to "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment" to "Rock 'n' Roll High School" to "I Wanna Be Sedated" with only a two-second, four-digit countdown breaking them up.

And, of course, I can see the grand parade as if it were yesterday. The marching Pinheads ... the "Pet Semetary" float ... the banners declaring "Gabba Gabba Hey" ... the smiles on the faces of the children as they did the "Cretin Hop"...

All right, I may be lying about the parade. But all that other stuff really happened, and this killer two-disc retrospective is for real, too -- an indispensable souvenir of one of America's best-ever bands. Get your copy of "Hey Ho Let's Go!" before the Aug. 25 rush, and please, observe Ramones Day in the manner of your own choosing.

Get Out, Act up

There are four excellent shows tonight: if you see one of them, you can take the rest of the weekend off. The odds-on favorite is at the Hard Rock Joint, where the Flaming Lips, Sebadoh, Robyn Hitchcock and Sonic Boom's E.A.R. will play some experimental and eccentric music you'll never, ever hear on Vegas radio. The Lips, in particular, should be amazing. Twenty dollars will get you up to speed on The Other Rock Music. Call 226-4650.

Meanwhile, for those who like their rock straight-up and louder than an underground nuclear test, House of Blues presents the industrial-metal-death-disco of Fear Factory, with Static X and Vegas' own beloved sons Johnny Flamehead opening, tonight at 8. Tickets: $12.75. Call 632-7600.

Up yours, hippie! We want our all-ages punk gig! Well, son, you can go to the Huntridge Theater tonight and enjoy the full-on sounds of AFI, 88 Fingers Louie and Fury 66 for just $10. You're killing your mother, you know. Call 477-7703.

Fresh from the garage, The Real Creeps, The Latest Flames and DJ Bazooka Joe bring a double-barreled attack of punky lounge and loungey punk to Legends. See The Letch! Mr. Turbo! That guy with the Adam West tattoo! A lousy $3 puts you up to your neck. Call 437-9674.