Dial File — Steve Bornfeld: Gross? Hey, like, ya know, cool!

Friday, July 23, 1999 | 9:20 a.m.

Steve Bornfeld is the Sun features editor. His television column appears Fridays. Reach him at 259-4081 or steveb@vegas.com

WE RULE, DUDES!

WOO-HOO! WOOOOOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOOOOOO!

Didja hear, man? They say that, like, TV and movie dudes love us. They call us "teenage males" and say lots of us get off on, like, gross-out stuff -- is that bogus or what? But we, like, spend lots of money and buy stuff, ya know, so that's why they make so many cool movies and shows for us.

On TV next year, there's, like, no one peein' in public like Adam Sandler, he's so bitchin', man, or doin' the nasty with a piece of pie, but, wait, wait, man, check this out, check this out: On this thing "Action" on Fox, I hear everybody's gonna say, like, "F---" and "S---" and they're bleepin' it -- but you know what they're sayin' anyway, man! Ain't it cool, dude?

And this show's also got, wait, wait, ya gotta hear this: A hooker puts her hand down a movie star's pants -- AWWWRIGHT!! Man, like, I could play THAT guy's part -- and another guy actually talks about the size of his youknowwhat with his daughter who's like, not even a teenager yet. WOO-HOO!

Hey, hey, didja see MTV, "The Tom Green Show," when that doofus upchucked into the toilet? Gross, dude, I loved it! And whaddabout, whaddabout, whaddabout, that Comedy Central thing, ya know, uh, whatsitcalled, uh, uh ... yeah! yeah! "The Dick and Paula Celebrity Special," where they had that cartoon Darwin guy on and they asked him about people who believe in, like, Adam and Eve and stuff, and he said, "They can kiss my ass!" Awesome!

And whaddabout, ooh! ooh! hey, whaddabout that "Man Show" where that guy asked babes on the street to do the nasty with him? THAT GUY RULES! And didja see that commercial for, whaddayacallit, J.C. Penney, where there's this, like, HUGE video screen in a stadium and you see this dude pickin' his nose? Gross, man! I taped it and I've seen it like a million times! Talk about RadiCool!

Hey, I heard, ya know, that, like, some of these old geezers are, ya know, P.O.'d 'cause WE RULE, MAN! WOO-HOO! These LO-SUUUURS are sayin' all this stuff like, these shows are dumb and stuff and that this V-chip thing is like, givin' these producer dudes the chance to get all gross just 'cause it's got those warning thingies on 'em.

But my man, that Comedy Central guy, whatshisname, Doug somethin', uh, uh, Doug HERZOG, yeah, that's it, he's like the president or somethin', he told 'em off! Yeah, my mom was readin' it to me, where is it? Oh, here, from, whadisit ... the New York Times, yeah:

"This is all happening because society is evolving and changing. But the bottom line is, people seem to be buying it." And then some big shot advertising nerd, says that, like, WE RULE! 'cause we drop coin on their stuff: "There's no point moralizing whether this is a good or a bad thing. Television is a business whose purpose is gathering audiences."

Then this Herzog dude says that we're, like, how'd he put it ... "the barometer of new comedy." YEAH! HER-ZOG RULES! HER-ZOG RULES! HER-ZOG RULES!

And, hey, wasn't like, the president all over TV 'cause of that oral sex thing and that Monica skank and that cigar? Like, these old people should talk, man! Huh-huh. Ya know, they dunno nuttin, man.

We now return you to the English language. ... Dudes.