Faux ‘Frasier’: Tossed salad or scrambled eggs?

Tuesday, Feb. 16, 1999 | 12:20 p.m.

It has everything:

Swarthy little Italian retirees. A neurotic dog. The game of bocce. An unnerved ex-cop. Former boxing referee and current TV judge Mills Lane. Psychic visions from a British housekeeper/physical therapist. A flitty younger brother.

And, above all, radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane.

Last week, I sought out professional screenwriter and guest UNLV lecturer Madeline DiMaggio to assist in a faux-"Frasier" project. Well, maybe it wasn't quite a project. All I had was a concept: Eddie, Martin Crane's dog and best friend, lands the group in a legal mess on a local "People's Court"-type show.

Well, coach?

"What you have is a notion, an idea," DiMaggio said. "It's not fleshed out."

DiMaggio agreed, over the course of several phone conversations, to help in an odd endeavor: writing a script for "Frasier."

(For those who have been locked into C-SPAN since 1993, "Frasier" is the highly rated NBC sitcom starring Kelsey Grammer as the high-brow title character. The supporting cast of characters includes: Frasier's equally snooty younger brother and fellow shrink, Niles; his more down-to-Earth ex-cop father, Martin, who lives with Frasier; Martin's supposedly psychic British health care worker, Daphne Moon; Frasier's blunt producer, Roz; and Martin's beloved dog, Eddie.)

DiMaggio initially told me to follow the four-step process used by all television script writers: 1) What did he do and how did he do it? 2) What happens because of it? 3) What are the complications that escalate? 4) What are the resolutions?

"You already have a bizarre situation," she said. "You have a story centered around a major cast member who is not Niles or Frasier. You have a possibility for some funny dialogue. Work on it and then give me the 'pitch.' "

Being the dutiful student, I phoned the next day with a more detailed description of the proposed episode, "Eddie Bites."

A plot synopsis

Concerned about Martin's stagnant rehabilitation and languid social life, Daphne and Frasier encourage him to venture out of the apartment to exercise his hip and meet people. They notice a classified ad in the newspaper announcing the formation of the Bocce Club of Seattle (celebrating the traditional Italian lawn-bowling game) by a group of local retirees.

Martin has never played -- nor even heard of -- bocce, but after prodding from Frasier and Daphne, he demurs after learning the club will meet at the nearby park he and Eddie frequent.

After the first match, a distraught Martin and a harried Eddie return, with Martin relating that Eddie went wild during the competition and chomped down on the hand of a fellow participant.

The victim, like every other member of the Bocce Club of Seattle, is an old Italian man and vaguely Mafioso. He decides to take action against Martin, making all sorts of veiled threats against him and his sons. Finally, all sides agree to appear on "Judge Mills Lane," starring the former boxing referee who officiated the legendary "Bite Night" bout between Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield.

DiMaggio advised me to break the episode into two acts, which, in television, are cleverly titled, "Act I" and "Act II."

"The important thing is to introduce Frasier early," she said. "He's the star. Even though this particular show isn't about him, he's got to be in on the action early and be a centerpiece."

Act I, abridged version

After being urged to join the Bocce Club of Seattle, Martin rushes into he and Frasier's apartment all abuzz about the day's activities. Eddie follows, growling and carrying a small yellow ball in his teeth.

Martin: "Well, another great idea, you two. Eddie almost got me killed today."

Frasier: "Don't tell me. The feverish pace of bocce was too much for his little nervous system to handle."

Martin: "You should see these guys. It's like they're playing on the Professional Bocce Tour or something. There was shouting, threats, profanity -- and that was just from their grandkids."

Daphne: "What is that yellow thing in Eddie's mouth?"

Martin: "It's called a pallino! That's what caused this whole mess."

Frasier: "Dare I ask, but what mess?"

Martin: "I learned today that the pallino is the object ball in bocce. I also learned that you don't mess with the pallino while it is in play, especially if you're a normally well-behaved dog that goes nuts at the site of a rolling pallino."

Frasier: "And what Eddie has in his mouth now is, how you say, a 'pallino?' "

Martin: "Yeah, he made off with it after biting Fast Freddy's hand."

Daphne: "I'm getting a vision. By any chance, is Fast Freddy Hawaiian?"

Martin: "No, but his shirt is."

Daphne: "I'm seeing something greenish-blue, like the Pacific Ocean."

Martin: "That was his pants. I'm telling you, we couldn't get out of there fast enough. These bocce guys just seem, I don't know, kind of dangerous to me."

Frasier: "Oh, come on. A bunch of little Italian retirees? I'm confiscating your "Goodfellas" tape forever."

Martin: "Well, all I know is Fast Freddy made some pretty scary threats. I remember guys like this from when I was a cop, and if you cross them you're liable to get euthanized, if you follow me."

Eddie whimpers.

Daphne: "Did they by any chance used to work in construction, or maybe landscaping? I'm seeing men working with cement ... digging deep holes and carrying very large bags ... they seem to work a lot at night."

Martin: "God help us."

Later, Frasier receives a suspicious phone call while conducting his radio show.

Frasier: "Hello, this is Frasier Crane and I'm listening."

Freddy (sounding suspiciously like Joe Pesci): "Yeah. My name's Frederick and I'm a first-time caller."

Frasier (perking up): "Oh! What a coincidence! That's my son's name!"

Freddy: "Actually, my friends call me Fast Freddy."

Frasier: "Ugh."

Freddy: "I have suffered a great deal of, whadyacall, emotional distress over a social, whadyacall, faux pas that occurred during a peaceful game of bocce over the weekend."

Frasier (seeking to change the topic): "Bocce? Why don't you tell your listeners exactly what that is."

Freddy (impatiently): "It's an old Italian game, like a combination of horseshoes and lawn bowling. You should really get some balls, doctor."

Frasier (annoyed): "I've been told that before, sir. So, what happened during your bocce experience?"

Freddy: "Well, we was tied 11-11. The game goes to 12, and you have to win by two points. It's getting pretty heated, and I bend down to pick up the pallino ..."

Frasier: "The object ball?"

Freddy: "Very good! So, I'm reaching for it, and out of nowhere this rabid mongrel-type dog runs over and takes a big ol' chomp out of my hand."

Frasier: "How tragic."

Freddy: "Hey, I don't do sarcasm too well. Anyways, the mutt runs off with the pallino and his owner limps off after him. Now I've got a useless right hand -- my bocce hand -- I'm out a pallino and I'm suffering a great deal of, whaddycall, psychological torment."

Frasier: "Well, might I suggest finding a qualified professional psychologist. Off the air, Roz has the names of several ..."

Freddy: "No, Doc. I think you should take care of this matter yourself."

Frasier: "But I'm no longer in practice and ..."

Freddy: "I think taking care of this matter would save you and your loved ones a great deal of, whaddyacall, mental anguish."

Frasier: "Ugh."

Niles, alarmed, arrives at the radio studio and after the show convinces Fast Freddy and his cronies to appear on the "Judge Mills Lane" show to have the matter settled on national television. This, he reasons, would prevent the plantiffs -- Freddy and his pals Vincent and Mario -- from doing anything rash.

Act II, abridged

The setting is the studio for "Judge Mills Lane."

Mills Lane: "OK, up next is the case of the Bocce-Biting Canine. I've read over the respective statements. Which one is Eddie?"

Eddie barks.

Mills: "OK, sit. Stay. And are you Martin Crane?"

Martin: "Yessir."

Mills: "Same to you. Now, Mr. Crane, tell us in your own words what happened on the day in question."

Martin: "Well, I used to be a patrolman, your honor, but I had to retire after being shot in the hip while responding to a convenience story robbery. So, I have to live with my son now and ..."

Mills: "Will this take all day?"

Niles: "If we're lucky."

Mills: "Just tell us about the biting. Oooh, I hate that word!"

Martin: "Well, Eddie here gets a little excited about this bocce game, which I'd never played before. Stupid game, really ..."

Freddy: "Your honor, we have an expert witness in regards to stupidity here."

Eddie growls and Martin shoots Freddy a sick look.

Mills: "Mr. Crane, please continue."

Martin: Well, I'm playing this game -- which is totally stupid, as I mentioned in my written statement -- and I notice Eddie really watching the little yellow ball."

Mario: "That's the pallino, your honor."

Mills: "So noted."

Martin: "So Eddie's really getting riled up. I haven't seen him this agitated since he had his manhood snipped off."

Frasier: "Oh, dad."

Mills: "I won't ask. Continue."

Martin: "Near the end of the game -- which is really stupid, your honor -- Eddie loses his marbles and takes off after the papaya."

Mario: "Pallino!"

Martin: "Whatever. And Freddy here decides he needs to pick the thing up right as Eddie's trying to fetch it and ..."

Mills: "Chomp?"

Martin: "Exactly! Took a big ol' chunk out of Freddy's hand."

Mills: "I hate when that happens."

Martin: "I can't blame the dog. He just snapped, y'know?"

Mills: "I've heard that one before. I want to ask the plantiffs -- how much of a financial settlement are you seeking?"

Vincent: "Eight-hundred and twelve dollars."

Mills: "Why that amount?"

Freddy: "We wanted to make it, ya know, a nice, round number."

Mario: "We considered other methods of retribution, your honor."

Niles: "My God, they're going to seek the death penalty."

Freddy: "Let's just say it would be tragic if the little pooch got, whaddyacall it, the Ol' Yeller treatment."

Vincent: "It would be most regretful if Lassie didn't come home, ifyaknowhatimean."

Mario: "I usually don't order doggie bags, but I can make an exception, if ya get my drift."

Daphne: "I'm getting a very strong vision of people eating at a Vietnamese restaurant."

Martin (agitated): "All right! Enough. For the love of Pete, I'll give you the money. I'll make it an even $815. You can use the extra three bucks to buy some new shirts."

Eddie jumps on Martin, and the pallino falls out of his shirt pocket. Eddie goes wild again. Act II ends.

The show closes with Eddie napping, cradling the pallino. Frasier tries to pluck it from his paws and Eddie growls.

Epilogue

Whether we have a winner or not isn't up to me or DiMaggio. To pursue this venture, we'd need to track down an agent, who would turn the work over to the show's producers, and hope for the best.

"It's Las Vegas odds," she said. "You have to keep writing and writing. If you're a good sitcom writer, they'll come to you."

We're probably safe here. I decided not to tell DiMaggio of my idea for a sitcom pilot episode. All I have is the title: "Keep Your Day Job."

Kind of an autobiographical project ...

Goodnight, Las Vegas -- we love ya!

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