Columnist Melissa Schorr: Nice guy in search of valentine

Melissa Schorr

Monday, Feb. 8, 1999 | 11:27 a.m.

Ladies: If you're still searching for a Valentine, may I suggest my friend James?

We women love to claim that we're just looking for a "nice guy." But in practice, it often seems untrue.

Why else would my friend James, whose heart is as big as his 6-foot, 6-inch, XXL frame, be having such miserable luck lately in the love department?

One time, he approached a woman at a bar and offered to buy her a drink. She turned and ran away so fast she actually slipped and fell.

But I can attest that he'd make any girl an excellent companion.

My friend James is the ultimate gal pal, the type who will comment approvingly (without prompting!) on your new French manicure, happily discuss the minutiae of "Party of Five" and "Dawson's Creek" episodes, and even attend an Indigo Girls concert at The Joint without making one lesbian wisecrack all night long.

His house is always tidy. Sappy commercials sometimes make him cry.

Before you get the wrong idea, though, let me hasten to add: My friend James is no sissy boy -- he sports a Grizzly-man beard, brews homemade beer in his closet and drives a pickup truck.

He's also a computer wiz. My friend James can download Netscape, Eudora and a Texas Hold 'Em computer game demo, even onto the most memory-cramped computer.

If you're having car troubles, my friend James will be there to ride to your rescue. When your car has been chained and padlocked by junior high school pranksters, he'll get you a pair of bolt clippers. He'll accompany you to get your car's first smog test.

And he's always willing to loan his muscles -- and his Chevy -- to move his various friends from one second-floor walk-up apartment to another (in the heat of August, no less).

My friend James, who is 25 years old, still delights in acting juvenile, when appropriate. He has no qualms about sneaking in a second feature at the movie theater. He'll agree to rent a Nintendo machine from Blockbuster and stay up until 3 in the morning playing shoot-'em up games.

Did I mention that my friend James is a male model? Yes, he's been featured twice in local publications -- once, in a bathtub in Las Vegas Life magazine and, another time, tied up in chains on the cover of Scope.

My friend James would now like me to add that he gives good back rubs, and that he took an Internet I.Q. test the other day and scored a 154.

Oh, sure, my friend James does have a few flaws.

For one thing, he's perpetually late. He truly believes that Apple computers are bound to make a comeback. Plus, he's got a roommate, which some women find a drag.

Still, dating must be tough in Las Vegas when even a nice guy can't catch a break.

In mild despair, my friend James once checked out a dating service, but the $1,200 price tag was out of his realm. (He hastens to add that he does make a nice living.) $1,200! Can you imagine? Outrageous!

So I made him a deal.

I'd devote some column space to his quest, state his case, and accept all takers. Hurry, now, and my friend James could be your very own Valentine.

In exchange?

I told him I'd only charge him half that.

Hey, anything for a friend -- like my friend James.