Columnist Sandra Thompson: Think about the children as holidays approach

Sandra Thompson

Sunday, Dec. 5, 1999 | 10:06 a.m.

Sandra Thompson is vice president/associate editor of the Las Vegas Sun. She can be reached at 259-4025 or through e-mail at thompson@lasvegassun.com.

THIS HOLIDAY season, expect hustle and bustle and crowds not just in the malls but in the halls of Family Court.

It's not unusual for calendars to be jammed, even on Christmas Eve, with parents wanting to change or reinforce custody schedules for the holidays.

While parents are shopping for that special toy or latest gadget, they should consider giving their children the greatest gift of all: A holiday without bickering, guilt and remorse.

Most of my calls and e-mail go into excruciating detail about problems and abuses in child custody cases. So it was refreshing to hear from a woman named Anna who has wise advice for parents involved in custody disputes.

Her straightforward message speaks volumes. Coming from one who fought in the trenches, it carries more weight than that of professional pontificators.

When her son was 1 1/2, Anna was asked to leave her home so her husband could marry someone else.

"Needless to say, I got a 'peace' settlement, and although child support was indicated in the court settlement, he went through years when he sent nothing. But I managed because I was a hard-working Mom and aside from the full-time demanding job I had, I took on part-time jobs from home on weekends."

By focusing on quality time, Anna says, she learned time management, how to control emotions and to concentrate on the positives.

She advises:

As Anna's son was growing, he needed someone he could relate to. So he and his father became close. Anna says she wasn't jealous. It was a necessary phase.

Today her son is 23. He graduated from high school, joined the Navy and is now working and going to school. Both families, incidentally, attended his graduation.

The key, Anna says, is for single moms to give up some things for yourself now. It will pay off later.

Ten years after the divorce, Anna remarried, and her son was raised in an extended family with an appreciation for having "two sets of everything."

"He stays focused on the love both families give him -- and not the negatives," Anna says.

Her message is especially relevant during the holiday season, which can be stressful for children of divorced parents. They're shuffled between Mom and Dad at times designated by a court order. Christmas Day with Mom until 2 p.m. when it's off to another Christmas dinner with Dad. Some aren't allowed to see the non-custodial parent at all.

According to a recently released national survey, only one-fourth of U.S. households contain married couples with children. More than half of the nation's children won't be living with both parents after the turn of the century.

How will these children cope? That depends on how their parents cope.

Like Anna, the website, divorcesource.com, offers guidelines for divorced parents, which include the rights of children. Among those rights are:

It's only common sense. Even if it's just for the holidays, parents should put aside their bitterness, hurt and anger for a time and focus on the children.

It paid off for Anna, and could benefit you, too. Most of all, it will benefit the children. And that will be the best gift any child could receive.