Dial File — Steve Bornfield: The World According to TV Guide

Friday, Aug. 20, 1999 | 8:43 a.m.

Steve Bornfield is the Sun features editor. His television column appears Fridays. Reach him at 259-4081 or steveb@vegas.com

"Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on."

-- Bruce Springsteen

Whaddaya mean, there's nothin' on, Bruce?

Have you ever really read TV Guide? There's trillions of shows listed here -- a fascinating world of sophisticated, intelligent entertainment. Gimme that remote and get set for some sensational TV:

Game show contestants eat food covered with live worms ("World's Funniest"); a family with magnetic bodies ("You Asked For It"); William Shakespeare vs. Busta Rhymes and The Three Stooges vs. The Three Tenors ("Celebrity Deathmatch"); Samantha obsesses over her date's tiny appendage ("Sex and the City"); what do women really think? ("The Man Show");

Valley Girls rebuild civilization after an apocalypse ("Night of the Comet"); a hooker becomes boss of a coffee shop ("Upright Citizens Brigade"); a profile of Henrich Himmler ("Hitler's Henchmen"); Snoop Doggy Dogg joins Donny and Marie ("Donny and Marie"); a man accuses his opponent of breaking his finger during arm wrestling ("Judge Judy");

Annie Sprinkle visits strip clubs and lap dancing parlors ("Real Sex"); a hooker-turned-vigilante rescues her sister from a notorious madam ("Angel III: The Final Chapter"); the most ancient taboo: cannibalism ("History's Mysteries"); furballs face foes from space ("Critters 2: The Main Course"); wrestlers in a karaoke competition ("World Karaoke Federation");

Yvette wants breast augmentation ("Smart Guy"); Dave is addicted to sex ("Rude Awakening"); where is Oliver Cromwell's head? ("History's Lost and Found"); donkey basketball in Oklahoma ("America's Funniest Videos"); the history of tugboats ("Great Ships");

Eliza babysits a kangaroo ("Wild Thornberrys"); Mike balks at fathering a child for Paul ("Spin City"); romance and sadism in sex ("The History of Sex"); transvestism and transsexualism ("What Sex Am I"); beach bunnies with entrepreneurial abilities ("The Bikini Carwash Company");

Sabrina loses her magic after buying a fake ID to see 'N Sync ("Sabrina the Teenage Witch"); planning a chowder-tasting party ("Providence"); pet store patrons must take home a rat with every purchase ("Candid Camera"); Chakka and Mecca challenge Fruity and Matt to a subway race to Coney Island ("Downtown"); a marriage proposal goes awry after the dessert hiding the engagement ring disappears ("Sister, Sister");

Prison hi-jinks ("Club Fed"); a swollen nose gives Angelica a Pinocchio complex ("Rugrats"); two trapped spirits escape from a jug ("Poltergeist"); women who flaunt their bodies and the friends who wish they wouldn't ("The Jenny Jones Show"); B.D. Wong stars in "Slappy and the Stinkers" (The Movie Channel);

A high schooler's brain is transplanted into a mechanical dinosaur ("Tammy and the Teenage T-Rex"); a high schooler meets a bloodthirsty older woman ("My Best Friend is a Vampire"); Edna redecorates her kitchen ("Absolutely Fabulous"); a challenge to the milk-snort/eye-squirt distance record ("Guinness World Records"); and ...

Preview your favorite shows on your favorite channels 24 hours a day! (The TV Guide Channel).

You're right, Bruce. There's nothin' on.