Columnist Steve Bornfeld: Noah and Cleo and Joan

Steve Bornfeld

Friday, April 30, 1999 | 9:41 a.m.

Call them anything you want.

Call it "Caesar, May I Canoodle with Cleo?" Call it "Joanie, May I Light Your Fire?" Call it "Noah, May I Scoop the Animal Poop Before This Ark is Condemned by the Board of Health?"

At least you can't call any of these May sweeps spectacles -- not "Noah's Ark" (Sunday and Monday, NBC) not "Joan of Arc" (May 16 and 18, CBS), not "Cleopatra" (May 23 and 24, ABC) -- something like, oh, "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?"

Almost forgot about that one, didn'ja?: that roundly ridiculed, hoary Tori Spelling non-spellbinder of a few seasons back that -- from exploitive woman-in-danger plot line to atrocious acting to titter-inducing title -- has come to embody network sweeps cheese better than a Velveeta commercial.

Having hit the network nadir with that tele-flick -- after years of serving up similarly sleazy slop boasting titles larded with "Deadly," "Fatal," "Lethal," "Danger," "Mortal," "Jeopardy," "Perilous," "Risky," "Cruel," "Crazed," "Evil," "Demonic," "Panic," "Wicked," "Scandal," "Plague," "Disaster," "Catastrophe," "Outrage," "Slaughter," "Killing," "Slaying" and "Murder" (sorry, that's all I could remember) -- these quarterly descents into ratings-driven delirium could only get better. And they have.

From Noah's ark to Joanie's arc to Cleo's empire-altering lark, this historical heap of sweeps sagas -- making the networks seem like the History Channel on Viagra -- offers good news: An ascent from the ooze.

To borrow an image from about 90 percent of the last decade's tele-flicks, the nets were almost forced at gun-point to upgrade their sweeps stock by finally acknowledging that largely airing lowest-common-denominator drivel was only driving ratings down as cable surged. (There have been notable exceptions: Think "Lonesome Dove." Conversely, this sweeps has its share of schlock: Think "Train Wrecks" and "WWF Smackdown!")

And yes, the nets resorted to mimicking a move by cable powerhouse TNT, which, earlier this decade, re-

introduced biblical epics -- on Moses, Joseph and Sodom and Gomorrah, among others -- into TV's programming prism.

And granted, quality is a question. Intent must be backed by execution. After knockin' back with "Noah" (already ravaged by reviews), "Cleo" and "Joan" for a combined 12 hours, it may feel like we're slippin' back into the slime -- or soaring to new sweeps standards. Either way, these network intentions have a certain integrity, and that's an immense improvement.

And it's refreshing to find these projects luring name actors (Jon Voight, Mary Steenburgen, F. Murray Abraham and James Coburn in "Noah," Timothy Dalton and "Titanic's" Billy Zane in "Cleopatra," Jacqueline Bisset, Peter O'Toole and Shirley MacLaine in "Joan of Arc"), as well as fresh newcomers (Leonor Varela as "Cleopatra," Leelee Sobieski as "Joan") instead of talented-but-tired TV staples (Think: Lindsay Wagner and Robert Urich).

It remains a gamble, but this sweeps, place your bets on the nets.

However, despite these high-toned historical histrionics, we might actually miss that network knack for topping even gourmet programming with a dollop of Cheez Whiz. Next sweeps, how about a class/crass compromise?:

"Samson and Delilah," starring Tori Spelling and Fabio.

Mother, May I Turn Off the Set?