Columnist Melissa Schorr: Free Ladies Night drinks no bargain

Melissa Schorr

Monday, April 12, 1999 | 1:45 a.m.

You see, the wage gap -- the fact that a woman on average earns 74 cents for every dollar a man earns, a point highlighted by last Thursday's Equal Pay Day -- is the only way I can justify this alcoholic affirmative action to my angry white male friends.

For the uninitiated, Ladies Night is the practice of offering women free drinks, presumably to make them easier pickings for the gents. With the right chromosomal makeup, a person could theoretically drink for free all week long: Sundays, Mondays and Wednesdays at The Beach, Tuesdays at The Drink and Saturdays at Tom & Jerry's ...

But for some reason, these evenings of subsidized sousing seem to drive some men bonkers -- even more so than the mention of, say, Lorena Bobbitt or Title IX statutes. Last week, a Florida attorney filed suit against three local bars, decrying the "gender discrimination."

I guess the concept of free booze strikes a deep emotional chord within us all.

But when guys wince and howl at the egregious injustice -- paying a $20 cover charge to enter some techno-hop while I waltz in gratis -- my standard reply has been: "You end the wage gap and other pricing inequities, and I'll gladly bid adieu to Ladies Night."

This usually shuts them up. After all, where is the sense of outrage when I'm shelling out twice the price for dry cleaning or a haircut?

Don't you find it slightly curious that the only time we gals get cut a financial break is when it's something that involves getting us sloppy drunk?

Coincidence? I think not. Hey, society: I'm on to your plan -- keep us women nice and plastered, and maybe we won't notice that we're getting soaked in the pay stub.

Ironically, the concept of Ladies Night has the potential to remove, not antagonize, animosity between the sexes. In theory, it relieves pressure all around: A man doesn't have to waste money buying a drink for a woman who is indifferent to his charms. A woman who accepts said drink doesn't have to calculate how long she is obliged to chat with the buyer before politely escaping, er, excusing herself.

Instead, the concept has just irritated a lot of people -- not to mention inspired that grating Kool & the Gang disco anthem. (Oh, yes, it's Ladies Night and the feeling's right ...)

Nowadays it's too precarious for women to enjoy this dubious perk anyway. There's too much to worry about: being slipped a roofie (the date rape drug), going to sleep next to one of the Baldwin Brothers but waking up next to one of the Smothers Brothers.

The good news is that the wage gap is slowly becoming obsolete; according to Newsweek, a childless woman my age now earns 98 percent of what an equivalent man earns.

(A good chunk of the traditional wage gap is actually because of women's personal "choices," such as opting for a lower-paying but more flexible career, or shifting to the Mommy Track.)

Still, doing the math, even that 2 percent loss a year comes out to ... about 13 bucks a week -- exactly what it would cost if I just bought my own %[*&% drinks.

Again, coincidence? I think not. So why not scrap Ladies Night and the wage gap once and for all? Pay me in cold hard cash -- not icy cold drinks.