Columnist Sandra Thompson: Listen to pleas of children seeking help

Sandra Thompson

Sunday, April 4, 1999 | 9:58 a.m.

WHEN HE COULDN'T stand the stress and conflicts in his mother's home, Mike ran away.

Fortunately, he went to his father's, where the police picked him up and took him to Child Haven. There, he waited for more than an hour before a woman worker talked to him.

He was taken to a cottage around 11:30 p.m. They took his clothes and belongings. But it wasn't a frightening experience.

Instead, Mike says, it was "heaven for a moment. They treat you like family. They were kind and caring."

He would rather have been there than home because it was a relief from the stress. When he did return home, "things were back to usual" -- endless chores, the fights, the threats and lack of caring about his needs.

Mike wanted to talk about his life, of being in the middle of warring divorced parents. He has been in counseling for several years, but it can't ease his pain. He has talked to numerous teachers and even the judge in his parents' eight-year Family Court case. He loves his Mom and says he doesn't want to choose sides. But he thinks he would be better off with his Dad. It's a plea that has fallen on deaf ears.

Mike (not his real name) is one of thousands of children and their siblings caught in the middle of an adult war.

"When we were little, we'd listen to Mom's side and listen to Dad's side. We got confused. We never knew who was right," he says. "Now I know right from wrong. I listen to both sides and try to distinguish the truth. I keep things Mom and Dad say to me confidential between each of them and me. People think kids don't mean anything, but kids observe a lot and know things." His grades have slipped dramatically. One of his therapists expressed concern to a Family Court judge about his welfare, saying he was emotionally distressed.

Two years ago it was recommended that a third party -- a relative -- take the boy and his sister. But no change was ever made. Just a short time ago, a judge told the father that if he even suggested a change in visitation, he would be thrown in jail.

Dad says his son's running away is a cry for help. "Give these children a childhood -- that's what they're asking for," he says.

Dad also wants to be seen as a person, not a "painted monster." There have been serious allegations against both parents, which is not unusual in nasty custody battles. It's unclear as to why the court can't sort out fact from fiction in the voluminous file.

Sadly, the boy's account of his home life hasn't been given any weight. You'd think that his running away, his slipping grades and his acting out would be signs that something is wrong, and a change is needed.

Laura Birholtz, Ph.D., along with her husband Paul Wulkan, conducts mandated Children Coping with Divorce classes for the county. She helps children deal with change. "I tell adolescents that they know Mom or Dad won't change. I teach them how to control change," she says.

Children make the best adjustments in a divorce if the parents make the best adjustments, Wulkan adds. If the relationship is marked by bitterness, anger and false allegations, then the child is adversely affected. Some, like Mike, feel helpless to deal with the conflicts.

"My grades are going down because of being extremely tired from all the stress," Mike wrote in a plea to the judge to place him with his father or a relative. "Please listen to me and try to understand the real facts."

Mike should be respected and commended for speaking out. Some parents punish their children for doing so. Hopefully, Mike's family will put aside its own bitterness and anger and do what's best for him and his siblings. Hopefully some caseworker or judge will give weight to his plea.

No one should retaliate against children or adults who speak out. One local attorney recently filed a motion in Family Court to remove a child from a home because she talked to me about where she wants to live.

Attorneys, parents and judges should not worry about to whom these children are talking. They need to be heard. Don't divert attention from the real issue: These children need and deserve a stable, loving environment.

As Mike's dad said, they need a childhood.