Columnist Scott Dickensheets: Apologies not better late than never

Scott Dickensheets

Saturday, Sept. 26, 1998 | 3:11 a.m.

OURS HAS BECOME an apology culture, and I'm sorry to say I have very little to say "I'm sorry" for. Because I want to apologize. I want to look you in the eye and admit to something really, really shameful and seek your cleansing forgiveness so we'll all feel better. Everybody's sorry about something, and I want in on it. I long to fess up, to own up, to candidly disclose and yes, even to bare all.

Alas, I've had no inappropriate relationships (ask any intern!), nor have I evaded a single grand jury question put before me. I've oppressed no one I know of. My lack of contrition-worthy behavior probably speaks less to my virtue than to the uneventfulness of my life, but whatever. In this era of therapeutic forgiveness-seeking, I feel I've fallen behind.

I credit this vogue for cathartic meas culpa to the president, of course. He's quite good at it. You'll recall that before he apologized for his affair with Little Miss Conduct, he apologized for slavery, which was nice, although, technically, as president of a country shaped by the side that won the war against slavery, he probably didn't need to. But it's good that he did. Then came Inappropriate-relationship-gate, accompanied by another sincere apology from the bottom of his speechwriter's heart. If we didn't exactly grant him forgiveness, at least we gave him the next best thing, our weary forbearance.

Now the pope has pushed Apology Culture into full bloom. This just in off the news wire: ROME -- Pope John Paul II, who has already publicly expressed regret for the Inquisition, the recantation of Galileo, the role of Roman Catholics in the Holocaust and the burning of any number of "heretics," is under pressure from his advisers to say sorry for the Crusades.

The events of 1095 apparently still weighing heavily on the church, the pope may include that apology in the sweeping expression of regret he plans to make in the year 2000, which, not coincidentally, marks the church's 2,000th anniversary. As it celebrates its achievements, the church also wants to acknowledge its wrongdoings, the better to ease into its third millennium with a cleanish slate.

Let me say I'm sorry in advance for thinking it's a stretch to apologize for historical offenses in which you had no hand, but I think it's a stretch. Yes, the Crusades were marked by terrible atrocities; practically the entire Muslim and Jewish populations of Jerusalem were slain. But that was 900 years ago; there probably wasn't much John Paul II could have done about it, nor the millions of Catholics who make the church the benevolent, non-crusade-launching institution it is today. Likewise, everyone agrees that slavery was evil, but for Clinton to apologize for it 130 years later -- however well-meant -- rang hollow in these ears. Apologies only make sense when they're between the aggriever and the aggrieved, not the distant descendants of the aggriever and aggrieved.

Still, I'm willing to try redressing old wounds. According to family lore, one of our dim ancestors was hanged as a horse thief; I'd now like to apologize to all those whose fields went unplowed because of him. Likewise, we're related to John Adams, the second president, and I apologize to anyone harmed by his support for the Aliens and Sedition Act.

Well, nope, doesn't do much for me. However, let me say I'm sorry to anyone bothered by this column. Now we both feel better!