Dial File: Bellagio’s breathtaking… TV collection?

Friday, Oct. 16, 1998 | 9:52 a.m.

Browsing the AB(solutely)-FAB(ulous) Bellagio art collection, dahling, and what delicious surprise do we stumble across but ... a gallery of priceless television art, newly painted -- you can hardly tell where the numbers were! -- to reflect the very latest developments in TV.

Just let me dig out Mr. Wynn's special admission cost for this exquisite exhibit -- ya got change for a quarter? -- and let's cast our gaze upon these glorious works of art that stir the human soul:

Mona Calista: A stunning example of Abstract-Post-Neo Rumorism. Note the hint of defiance in the otherwise enigmatic smile of "Ally McBeal" star Calista Flockhart as she fends off wildly unsubstantiated media blather about her eating disorder that supposedly shut down production of her show briefly. On the famous smile, art critics are split as to whether it's because she just returned from a binge-and-purge, or just scarfed down a Happy Meal. All note, however, that she's thinner than the paintbrush that painted this.

Mel Among the Nazis on a Summer's Day: In a brilliant representation of Pre-Doofus-Dada-ism, this skillful portrait finds Mel Gibson slipping an American soldier suit over his rippling pecs. As you can note from the fine detailing, he has decided -- after viewing "Saving Private Ryan" and "Schindler's List" -- that the time is right to proceed with a big-screen version of "Hogan's Heroes." This gem has created quite a stir in the art world, since the anonymous artist signed his work: "I Know No-THING!"

Ruminations on a Theme -- Oh Me, Oh My, Ohlmeyer: In this beautifully realized comedic rendering of Neo-Realistic Unrealism, NBC West Coast President Don Ohlmeyer is depicted insisting that NBC -- since it's carried to 76 percent of the country via cable or satelitte dish -- is actually America's top-rated cable channel. Notice the colorful chorus of clowns occupying the background of the piece, saluting their leader, while a starkly drawn gang of business-suited cable executives offers what appears to be an attempt at a similar salute, but minus four digits.

Begineth the Battle: Nielsens at Fifty Paces: In this gut-wrenching slice of Post-Baroque Burlesque, we witness the horrors of civil war, brother taking up arms against brother (oh, the humanity!). We see, through vibrant splashes of color, cable channels -- only 11 in the early '80s, but now 150-strong -- pitched against each other in a brutal battle for survival. Exquisitely expressed statistics reveal that larger cable services such as TBS, ESPN and Disney -- traditional thorns in the side of broadcast networks -- are watching their viewership eaten into by ... smaller cable channels! In a bold burst of Post-Modern Schlmeilist Surrealism, the tortured figure of Ted Turner, bedraggled in a bloodied Atlanta Braves shirt, weeps unabashedly into the heaving bosom of that great 20th-century cinematic icon, Barbarella.

Experiment in Boob Tube Cubism: A trenchant visual commentary on television's towering anti-intellect, this chaotic collection of images, laden with overtones of anxiety, despair and malevolent Three Stooge-ism, examines the ghastly lineup of upcoming reality specials: "World's Most Shocking Explosions Caught on Tape," "World's Worst Drivers Caught on Tape -- Part II," "When Good Pets Go Bad," "Professional Wrestling's Greatest Secrets" and 'World's Worst Explosions." This piece's subtitle: "World's Dumbest Painting."

Stupendous Moment in the Annals of Human History: The title says it all for this riveting example of Pre-Impressionism/Post-Expressionism/ Neo-Classicist Abstraction. Our eyes are inevitably drawn toward the momentously momentous moment on Tuesday at 9 p.m. when Las Vegas' own Peter Rosendahl will appear on Fox's "Guinness Primetime" to try to break his own world record for riding "the world's smallest ride-able unicycle with a chain." The world breathlessly awaits his next bold artistic statement: Peter will cut off his ear and paint a self-portrait, hoping to top the current record-holder, some slug named Vinny.

Dostoyevsky in the Garden of Ratings: The eternal themes of programming crime and Nielsen punishment are conveyed with great subtlety in this rather downbeat piece. Note the cold, gray texture surrounding the idea of NBC's "Crime and Punishment" taking a brutal beating in the ratings, threatening to send future network adaptations of classic literature into a deep, bleak winter freeze. Guaranteed to have you crying great big Russian tears into a vat of vodka. (For NBC executives viewing the exhibit, please note: There is a candy dish with an assortment of tranquilizers and Prozac in the lobby. Help yourself).

Fox Hunting in the Fall: This quirky piece, with its forboding atmosphere of sudden, merciless doom, depicts Fox's not-even-Halloween-yet cancellations of four of its sitcoms: "Holding the Baby," "Living in Captivity," "Getting Personal" and "Costello." Note the mood of this unsettling, yet fascinating work: Rushed, impatient, callous, with a faint air of the ridiculous. You can practically feel the ax falling. This piece was only recently unveiled and ... hey, wait! ... What are you doing? ... WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THAT? ...STOP!!!

Ah, well ... And so, with our artistic tastebuds properly fed and richly cultivated, we take our leave of this gallery of priceless treasures and return to the majestic opulence and exquisite elegance of the breathtaking Bellagio.

This joint got any penny slots?

Croon a Tune: From Phil "Let's Be Careful Out There" Esterhaus, Frank "Pizza Man" Furillo, Belker the Biter and myself (Bornfeld the Boozer), a hearty "Freeze, Hairball!" to the first identifier of last week's theme: Andrew "I Got Them 'Hill Street Blues' " Hatcher.

And congrats to other Dial File readers who recognized the musical signature of the Hill Street Station, in alphabetical order: Kim Anderson, Obert Brinley, Daniel Brown, Martha Campbell, Doris Duffey, Rich "Thanks for an Easy One" Kackstetter, Joe Lacy, Jonnie Lysaght, Phil O'Leary, Mark Ritchie, Dan Ryan, Jean Sanger (of Ohio, via the Internet), Bernie Tanchester, Henny Trichter, Fishel Trovicz and Cindi Watts.

For this week's croon-able tune, give a ringy-dingy to 259-4012 (it will pick up after four ringy-dingies).

Is this the party to whom I am speaking?

Play us out, Maestro: As reported by Electronic Media magazine, Jerry Springer -- who has actually managed to lower the discourse of daytime TV, a previously unthinkable thought -- was asked by the Broadcast Advertising Club of Chicago if he had ever taped a show that he later decided was inappropriate for airing.

"We had a normal couple on the other day," he responded. "We wouldn't show that."

You may not like his standards, but at least he has them.