Columnist Tim Graham: Everything is just fine in Pleasantville

Tim Graham

Tuesday, Nov. 10, 1998 | 10:18 a.m.

PLEASANTVILLE -- As you can tell by the dateline, today's column doesn't come to you from Las Vegas.

Instead, it comes from that town straight out of a black-and-white 1950s sitcom, the very Utopian setting of the hit movie with the same title.

In Pleasantville everything always works out for the best. People live their perfect little lives in perfect little houses with perfect little tree lawns.

And if there ever is a problem, someone -- usually a pipe-smoking dad -- always finds a solution in less than 30 minutes.

And, boy, do they love their sports in Pleasantville. Just the other day I was hanging out with Ward Cleaver and the boys down at Floyd's Barber Shop. We got to talking about all the great moments on the horizon. After all, everybody knows how predictable life can be in Pleasantville.

I figured I'd give you a glimpse of what would happen if you lived here, too.

In Pleasantville, the local college football coach wins his final game and resigns on a positive note (keep in mind this is pure fantasy).

The NBA lockout lasts the entire season, but fans are treated to a rousing run at the state title as Pleasantville High beats the team from "Hoosiers" on a last-second set shot (banked off the square, no doubt).

The next season, however, Michael Jordan plays one more season and leads the Los Angeles Clippers to their first NBA title -- while wearing those tight, polyester shorts.

But not all NBA starts return to the hardwood. Latrell Sprewell is forced to work on the farm and spends the rest of his working days choking chickens.

The local minor-league hockey team finally packs its bags and moves out of town ... and I get to drive the truck.

After former wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura is elected governor of Minnesota, Pleasantville city council members start a grass-roots effort to have the Gopher State kicked out of the union.

Whitebread NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon performs like, well, Jeff Gordon.

Lovable quarterback Doug Flutie guides the Buffalo Bills to the Super Bowl, where they finally win one.

Mike Tyson never gets back his boxing license.

Muhammad Ali fights Joe Louis. The 1998 New York Yankees play the '27 Yankees. The Brett Favre Green Bay Packers take on the Bart Starr Packers.

There's no such thing as the X Games because those kids are just too darn seedy.

The local college basketball team recaptures the hearts of the entire town just as it did nine seasons ago.

Maligned basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian ... uh, sorry. He wouldn't be allowed over the Pleasantville town line.

And, of course, the coaches of Pleasantville High's football team wouldn't dare dream of using an ineligible player and get knocked out of the postseason before it even started.

Oh, yeah. And because everything is so perfect, sports columnists have nothing to gripe about.

On second thought, I'll be home shortly.