Columnist Scott Dickensheets: It’s ‘The Scott Show’ starring guess who?

Scott Dickensheets

Friday, May 29, 1998 | 10:34 a.m.

LIKE MANY modern Americans, I frequently suspect I'm on TV. Whenever I inexplicably bumble an easy domestic chore, trip over carpet lint or am intellectually outmaneuvered by my 5-year-old, I wonder if this is when Alan Funt emerges from a potted plant and says, "Surprise, you're on 'Candid Cam' --" before I brain him with a chair.

That -- minus the bludgeoned Funt -- is the premise of the new film "The Truman Show." In it, Jim Carrey plays a man whose entire life, unbeknownst to him, has been nonstop, 24-hour television fodder. His hometown: a set. His friends and family: actors. It's a rich thesis that begs provocative questions. To what extent are we at the mercy of the entertainment media? Are we more engaged by television reality than real reality? And, perhaps most compelling, what if that show was about me?

News report, Daily Variety: "... network announced today its replacement for 'Roseanne, Again' -- 'The Scott Show,' an unprecedented, intimate look into the life of a single person, starting at birth ..."

Scene: Thanks to Amniocam (TM), we see fetal Scott, already demonstrating a maverick streak by refusing to adopt the fetal position. As he squirms, the camera pulls back to reveal "Scott's mom" patting her stomach lovingly. "Man, I'm gassy today," she says.

Scene: The camera hidden in "Scott's dad's" Barcalounger transmits to a breathless worldwide audience Scott's first words, as he backs away from the TV, grabs the remote from his "father" and says, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Dad?"

Interview with producer, Time: "It's a show about nothing. Not the capital-N 'Nothing' of some other shows -- which is really Something in Nothing's clothing -- but honest-to-goodness, real nothing!"

Reviews: "Extraordinary, by which we mean extra ordinary." -- TV Guide. "Whatever!" -- Entertainment Weekly. "... that 'dancing baby' sequence will set the standard for all dancing baby scenes to come!" -- Tom Shales, Washington Post. "He's no Seinfeld." -- Steve Bornfeld, Las Vegas Sun.

Scene: A typical teenager, Scott lounges on his bed and dreams of traveling the country with his musical family, singing groovy bubblegum pop on the roof of a brightly painted bus. Then he watches some TV.

Scene: Scott's doing nothing in his bach pad when his "crazy best friend" bursts through the door without knocking. They trade rapid catch phrases: "Not that something's not right with that," Scott deadpans, as viewers, gathered in bars and at "Scott Show" parties, laugh uproariously, recognizing themselves.

Scene: Scott watches some TV, scratches himself, does nothing.

News report, Daily Variety: "... decline in 'The Scott Show's' once-phenomenal ratings were explained by one ex-fan this way: 'There's no Nothing there!' This has led to what critics term 'obvious ratings-grabbing ploys.' Scott's evil twin. A variety of so-called 'very special episodes' ..."

Network announcement: "... regret that 'The Scott Show' will not be on our fall schedule. Consistent with its theme, the finale will feature no hugging, no learning -- not much of anything, in fact."

Much-hyped final scene: Scott in his underwear on the couch, eating ice cream as he flips listlessly through the channels. "There's never anything good on TV," he says. Music swells. Scott looks around, bewildered. Cut to commercial.