People in the News for March 27, 1998

Friday, March 27, 1998 | 10:38 a.m.

Rules of astrophysics aside, observation tells us that the universe fractures and reconstitutes around a new white-hot center almost daily, as one celestial body or another swells with enough mass and gravity to dominate all others. Today, it's "Seinfeld." That shuddering sound is the universe creaking to a halt as the show's producers dribble out details of the Last Episode, which has been the subject of much theoretical research but remains unproven by science. Reading from a top-secret script on the Fox News Channel Thursday, they revealed that the final episode will find Newman the mailman unconscious in a hospital. The series' last words will, appropriately, belong to George: "So what am I going to do now?" And, in one of the final scenes, Jerry and Elaine will be together in a wedding chapel; although this immediately gives rise to a Big Bang theory, the producers, like the cruel, uncaring universe itself, offered no further answers. They did, however, deny reports that in the final show the cast moves en masse to California. An estimated 79 million viewers will tune in to the final "Seinfeld" -- evidence of an expanding universe? -- after which, they will stare remorsefully into an empty black hole where Thursday night at 9 p.m. used to be.

Miscellany

Readers of Playgirl magazine may not get to see for themselves whether Leonardo DiCaprio is a rising or falling star -- he's suing to prevent the magazine from publishing nude pictures of him in the July issue. The lawsuit claims Playgirl has refused to let DiCaprio see the pictures or explain where it got them. No comment from Playgirl, which recently lost a similar lawsuit to Brad Pitt. DiCaprio's suit says publishing the pix would be "offensive and objectionable." He wants unspecified damage for invasion of privacy and emotional distress. "Mr. DiCaprio ... will not tolerate Playgirl or any other person or entity's illegal exploitation of his name and likeness," a statement said. Sorry stargazers!

Compiled by Scott Dickensheets