Dial File: Zippergate unlocks TV’s Blabbergate

Thursday, Jan. 29, 1998 | 9:46 a.m.

DON'T THESE yahoos ever shut their yaps?

Despite the newsworthiness of the news itself -- a surreal marriage of sexually salacious and politically devastating bombshells -- that thought looped endlessly in my brain as Zippergate, Starring Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, hijacked the airwaves and cable lines last week, followed by this week's State of Bill (and the Union) address.

Sure, the revelations clogging, choking my TV set could bring down a president -- no small matter -- but the pure volume and quantity of the chin-waggers and finger-pointers and tsk-tskers and pundits and analysts and anchors and reporters and experts and moderators and panelists and gag-meisters on NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, Fox, PBS, MSNBC, CNBC, the locals on Channel 3, Channel 8, Channel 13, MTV, VH-1, "Inside Edition," "Extra," "Entertainment Tonight," "Access: Hollywood," "Hard Copy" E!, "Nightline," "The Tonight Show," "Charlie Rose," "Late Show with David Letterman," "Politically Incorrect" ...

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! Shaddup! Shaddup! Shaddup!

Clearly, my tolerance for TV blitzkriegs has withered, rather than strengthened from prolonged exposure to endless electronic pontificating.

I held out pretty well until the start of this decade, when channels breeding like rabbits on Spanish fly dovetailed with that business in the Persian Gulf, the first regularly-scheduled (thanks to President Bush's deadline for Iraqi withdrawal from Kuwait), made-for-TV (thanks to Nintendo-stye carpet bombing) war.

It even featured exquisitely dramatic, miniseries-style titles: "The Standoff in the Gulf," "The Line in the Sand" and "The Showdown with Saddam."

The pre-deadline build-up was so intense as to give the American public its first ever bout of tele-battle fatigue -- before the battle ever began. Desperate to escape, I turned to Nick-at-Nite's "Green Acres" reruns.

Not long after the war, the next wave hit: Clarence Thomas, pubic hairs, Coke cans and Anita Hill. An unscalable, impenetrable, inescapable Wall of Noise. On every channel. At every hour. Every day.

Then there was Princess Diana. Enough said.

And O.J. More than enough said.

Obviously, TV coverage of major news events of the past -- say, the murders of John Kennedy or Robert Kennedy or Martin Luther King, Jr., or the resignation of Richard Nixon -- don't seem as wearying in retrospect because of the relatively modest TV landscape of the time: Three networks.

Uncle Walter -- and that's the way it is. Goodnight, Chet. Goodnight, David. Goodnight -- period.

Today, it's: The News That Never Sleeps. All News, All Channels, All Day, All Night. Stay With Us For The Absolute Latest Information. Coming Up Next Is Our Exclusive Report. Joining Us Now To Discuss This Explosive Issue Is Our Distinguished Panel Of Experts. You're Full of Beans, Kondracke -- I Ask You, Jack Germond!

Pass the remote. Death By Clicker.

How pathetic it has become became alarming clear while watching PBS during Zippergate (or Fornigate, if you prefer). There is Jim Lehrer, whose knowledge, dignity and journalistic integrity can't help but inspire my admiration. The guy's a class act.

Then, I reach for the clicker. Old habits -- and curiosity -- die hard. Gotta see what else is out there. Did CBS get Clinton pal Vernon Jordan? Did ABC get Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr? Did "Inside Edition" get the guy who was heavily petting Lewinsky behind the gym in 11th grade?

By the time I click back to Lehrer, his dignity is gone. So is the integrity. And the class. On the remote control roller coaster, Lehrer is now nothing but a blur, reduced to another bobbing, frowning, wrinkle-browed, monotoned talking head, desperate to squeeze in his two-bit, half-baked opinions, or so they seem, at this point.

Talk isn't just cheap now -- it's damn near worthless. Noise obscures nuance. Quantity murders quality.

Suddenly, a phrase worms its way into my media-addled mind, one that, as a proud member of the media, I could have never imagined giving even a private nod to:

"Nattering nabobs."

Somewhere, Spiro is smirking.

SURFIN' THE SCENE: It's the Rat Pack Redux, now that cable's TV Land has announced that it will air the only known recorded Rat Pack concert -- featuring Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr., with host Johnny Carson -- on Monday, April 20 at 8 p.m. The 90-minute special, titled "Frank, Dean and Sammy: An Evening with the Rat Pack," was shot in St. Louis in 1965 as a benefit. ...

The "Soap Expo Las Vegas '98" will hit town June 12-14. Among the daytime stars expected are Robin Mattson, Tracey Bregman, Windsor Harmon and Kim Shriner. ... CBS" "Chicago Hope" temporarily moved west, right here to Las Vegas, for some location shooting this week. Actors Mark Harmon, Adam Arkin, Hector Elizondo and Rocky Carroll are filming at the Stratosphere, the Riviera and Fremont Street, as well as at Buffalo Bill's Star of the Desert Arena in Primm, with local actors in supporting roles. ...

It's Week Two, and "Star Trek: Voyager" remains missing in the Delta quadrant -- which must include Las Vegas -- because of the affiliate switch that left UPN DOA in this town. The latest call to UPN produced no new information on what the weblet will do to re-dock in Las Vegas, ironically the home of "Star Trek: The Experience." In the meantime, viewers, including those who have phoned me, feel like they've been blasted by phasers set on "stun."

CROON A TUNE: As this series' song suggested, you may have known that Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she didn't care if the whole world looked. Or that Joan of Arc, with the Lord to guide her, was a sister who really cooked. But reader Victoria Shaw was the first to tell us that the Queen of Brassy Dames -- described as "uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing" was -- right on! --"Maude."

Nice work, Victoria. Correctly identifying Bea Arthur's landmark character makes you a Golden Girl in our book.

Next? What theme song offered this sage advice: "So while you're here, enjoy the view; keep on doin' what'cha do; hold on tight, we'll muddle through, (series title)"? As always, be the first to Croon That Tune -- don't be shy, just shout it out! -- and your name will be inscribed for the ages (or at least until it becomes birdcage liner) in Dial File. Remember: Spell your name and leave a daytime telephone number ("Yeah, yeah, we know, we know.")

WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU, PAM: For those of you keeping track of Pamela Lee-ve The Camera Running While We Make Whoopee, a federal judge earlier this week temporarily barred the Internet release of her second sexcapade, this time with Poison lead singer Bret Michaels. (Hubby Tommy Lee was the lover du jour on the first tape, taped after -- but released before -- her mattress mambo with Michaels.)

The "Baywatch" babe-turned-adult auteur gets to headline her own syndicated series next fall, titled "VIP." In an (I think) unintentionally amusing ad in TV trade magazines, the series is hawked with this tag line: "She's back and ready for action!"

Indeed. And word on the casting grapevine is that, should he get some unexpected time off from his current gig, Bill Clinton might snag the co-starring role with Lee in her latest creative endeavor.

Whether it's the TV series or her direct-to-video series is unclear.