Mars vs. Venus: War of the Worlds

Anne Hosier

Friday, Jan. 16, 1998 | 9:41 a.m.

Sooner or later, nearly every man who loves a woman is going to be confronted with that dreaded question:

"Honey, do you think I look fat?"

It's a query fraught with dangerous pitfalls for even the most well-intentioned man, though many discover this the hard way. ("Yes" is not an acceptable response, no matter how tubby the wife is looking. Nor is "No, those pants do such a great job hiding those thighs, Lance Burton should use them in his magic act.")

Some husbands already sense this.

Yet few understand why they must endure this tedious exercise, or why the women in their lives persist in badgering them with questions of which they don't really want to know the answers.

But tonight, these beleaguered males will have the opportunity to unravel this and other mysteries of the gender gap when John Gray, Ph.D. -- a relationship expert and the author of one of the decade's most popular hardcover books, "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus," -- presents his one-man show by the same name at UNLV's Artemus W. Ham Concert Hall.

The appearance will mark the first stop on Gray's year-long tour touting his latest work, "Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide For Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship."

"I like Las Vegas and Las Vegas audiences always love me," Gray says of his decision to start the year here. "My show is a seminar, but it's also entertaining, and I think people in Las Vegas appreciate good entertainment."

Gray's show will touch on the material covered in all of his books, including his most recent one, which deals with the issues of dating.

Gray wrote the book after receiving a flood of questions from single people. "People would say, 'your book 'Men Are From Mars' was great, but what about us? How do I know I'm with the right person? How do I find the right person?'

"It's very difficult dating in the '90s. The tables have turned, the rules are different."

No longer are women just searching for a good provider, now they want a skilled communicator, as well. Men have also raised their standards; A competent housekeeper won't cut it as a wife, unless she's got other enticing attributes.

In other words, we've all gotten a lot pickier.

"We're kind of out there reinventing the whole dating process," he says, noting that "men have a hard time making that commitment, and women have a hard time opening up to men."

In the early stages of dating, women often seem unreasonably selective about who they'll go out with. Gray says this is because there is enormous social pressure on them to sleep with their dates. "Since it's become somewhat of a social norm and expectation, women are going to be much more wary and careful of who they're going to go on a date with, because it's almost like saying 'I'll sleep with you.' "

The solution? Women need to stand their ground when it comes to sex, and "date around but not sleep around." Men may hope for physical intimacy early on, but they don't usually regard it as a condition for pursuing the relationship, he says.

Men also make the mistake of rejecting prospective mates early on, but for a different reason. "Men are looking for that woman in the movies who is a particular body type," he says. "What men need to know is that if a woman looks like the woman of your dreams, she's definitely not, and if your attraction is based on looks alone, it will die out very quickly."

When two members of the opposite sex actually do manage to get together for a date, the man will often come across as self-absorbed or boorish, rambling on about his job, his athletic abilities and his opinions. Women should recognize this for what it usually is: an attempt to make a good impression. "What do they do on a job interview, when they want to impress someone? They talk about themselves, what they've done, their accomplishments, what they think."

Unfortunately, most women, who are also trying to come across favorably, will unknowingly reinforce this behavior by listening politely and quietly. On Venus, where women are from, "they have the belief that if you want someone to be interested in you, be interested in them," Gray says. "That works with another woman but it doesn't work with a man."

Women need to cheerfully but firmly butt in, and offer their opinions and insights, he says. "You have to share who you are for a man to be interested in you."

The five stages of dating -- attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and, finally, engagement-- are fraught with opportunities for misunderstanding. But couples who know what to look for can resolve these problems and build the foundation for a strong relationship, he says.

In the intimacy stage, for example, where women tend to experience marked emotional highs and lows, which Gray likens to the cresting and crashing of waves, they are prone to feeling vulnerable, and occasionally asking irritating questions like the aforementioned "Do you think I look fat?"

"These questions are not to be taken literally," Gray cautions in his book. "Don't try to solve her problem through reason. She is just looking for reassurances."

Carol Turner, a local marriage and family therapist who recommends two of Gray's videotapes to her clients, says that Gray "may be the first man in history to understand women."

However, Kathleen Grace Santor, a marriage and family therapist at the Professional Counseling, Education and Training Center in Green Valley, says she's gotten equally positive feedback from male clients to whom she has recommended Gray's work. "He's really very good at understanding the position of both men and women."

Gray claims he comes by it naturally. "It's very easy for me to listen to what a woman says when a man is listening, and hear how he's misinterpreting her."

But he concedes he also had to learn the lessons of communication the hard way 15 years ago, when, despite his best efforts, his first marriage failed.

"This was the love of my life, and then we got a divorce."

The ordeal was magnified by the fact that both Gray and his first wife had built successful careers as marriage counselors. "I was supposed to be an expert on relationships," he says. "And (now) I had to question everything I knew."

In his practice, Gray had always downplayed the importance of gender differences. So when a friend told him "You've overlooked this one important thing: Men and women are different," he initially dismissed the comment as sexist.

Later, however, as he delved into the research, he became convinced that his friend was right. "It was a healthy experience for me," he says. "It was like I had to have a big hammer hit me on the head and say 'what you learned in school will not make a marriage work. You've got to learn something new.' "

Apparently, a lot of people agree with Gray. Since its release in 1992, "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus," has been translated into more than 40 languages, sold more than six million copies in the U.S. alone and consistently ranked on the New York Times Bestseller list.

But far from putting the topic to rest, the book seems to have stirred an insatiable interest in the universe of Mars and Venus.

Gray's company, "Personal Growth Productions," stages around 24 events each year, while his "Mars/Venus Institute" offers workshops throughout the country, at a rate of nearly one each week. Last week, the first edition of his magazine "Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus," hit newsstands. The magazine will be published every other month, he says. Gray's audio/videotapes of his work also continue to be a hit with family and marriage therapists.

"I always have my couples listen to two of his tapes: 'Secrets of Great Sex' and 'Secrets of Communicating with the Opposite Sex,' " Turner says.

"They're very alive and funny and entertaining, and most people seem to recognize themselves in his examples."

Some readers still challenge Gray, he says, asking " 'How can you say all men are this way or all women are this way?' "

Gray's response: "It is (a generalization). There's a preface in my book that this may not relate to everybody, but it relates to a lot of people."

And Gray claims to have plenty of letters to prove it -- letters from readers who say his insight into gender differences saved their marriages.

"This is not something that is instinctive knowledge," he says. "It's something that has to be taught to us."

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