Dial File: Medieval soaps, Satan-sent cops

Thursday, Feb. 26, 1998 | 9:19 a.m.

OK, THERE'S THIS Brooklyn garbage man named Stinky who's also a government nuclear physicist -- we're thinking Tony Danza -- and he's teamed with this stripper who's also a Bulgarian double agent named Shotzy -- maybe Yasmine Bleeth or Tim Conway -- and they have these wild adventures as undercover glockenspiel players infiltrating a power-mad international cabal lurking within the fluegelhorn section of the Saskatchewan Symphony Orchestra.

We're calling it "Stinky & Shotzy in the Clare De Loon." Whaddya think?

Far-fetched? You obviously haven't attended many series pitch meetings lately. But fear not: Those with far more fertile imaginations have been toiling away, and here's what they've come up with -- all actually on the drawing board, I swear, as described by the trade magazine Electronic Media. (Additional comments, only slightly tongue-in-cheek, courtesy of yours truly).

The fall schedule will be announced in May. Consider the following a sneak preview. Or a threat:

"Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer": A comedy about the cook in the Lincoln White House. The pilot follows Pfeiffer's moral dilemma after he's subpoenaed by Kenneth Starr.

"Glory, Glory": A drama about a Union-Confederate romance during the Civil War. Sample dialogue: "You're not going out in that drab gray outfit, are you? Try the blue -- it really brings out the whites of your eyes."

"The Castle": A soap opera set in the Middle Ages. Consider it a "Dynasty" prequel -- Joan Collins stars as the teenaged Alexis.

"Brimstone": The devil dispatches an ex-cop from Hell to recapture escaped souls. Hoping to give it a family values spin, they're trying to land Marilyn Manson as the cop, with Alice Cooper as the father, Gene Simmons as the brother and Meat Loaf as the wacky uncle.

Untitled Paul (formerly Pee-Wee Herman) Reubens project: Expect a half-hour variety show. They decided against a sitcom casting him as a British prep school teacher named Master Bates.

"Blade Squad": A drama about cops on rollerblades. "Freeze, maggot! You're under arrrrreeeeesssssttttttt ..."

"Ghost Cop": A drama about a female cop partnered with the spirit of a murdered man. Sample dialogue: "If you don't stop leaving the toilet seat up in the precinct house, I swear I'm gonna kill -- Oh, never mind!"

"Felicity": A drama about a woman described as "Ally McBeal in college." Instead of "Ally's" dancing baby, expect a zygote doing the Macarena.

"Cupid": A drama about a fallen god who unites lovers. Could be pretty steamy: He's fallen and they WON'T get up, at least until the Trojans run out.

"It's Like, You Know": A comedy about life in Los Angeles as seen through a New Yorker's eyes. Alternate title: "What-EH-vvvrrr."

"Wind of Water": A drama about surfing. Alternate title: "It's Like, You Know."

"Hollyweird': A drama about two twenty-somethings who fight supernatural beings in L.A., then make a show about it. Based on the true experiences of the producers of the two aforementioned shows.

"Charmed": A drama about two twenty-something women who discover they're witches. Could be packaged with the above show as "The Generation X Files."

"Secret Lives of Men": No description from the female producers. If the title is an indication, 30 minutes of Internet porn is a safe bet.

"Venus on the Hard Drive": Two guys create a sexy, computer-generated woman. Alternate title: "Lonely Lives of Men."

"Ladies' Man": No description, other than "man surrounded by women." The man that women go out with while the guys from the above show play with their mouse.

"Marry My Mom": A girl tries to fix up her widowed mom. Features numerous guest appearances by the "Ladies' Man."

"Five Houses": A comedy about a gay couple moving to a suburban cul-de-sac; and "Will & Grace": A comedy about a girl and her gay best friend. After disastrous dates with the "Ladies' Man" and the "Venus" geeks, "Mom" (of "Marry My" fame) rethinks her sexuality and meets the stars of these two sitcoms on Howard Stern's "Lesbian Dial-a-Date." However, she winds up marrying the computer-generated "Venus" babe in a beautiful cyber-ceremony. Expect many cross-over appearances, with Very Special Guest Star Ellen DeGeneres.

"Grapefruit Moon": A comedy about a traveling salesman; and "Modern Man": A comedy about a car salesman and his family; and "Blind Men": A comedy about a salesman. Did you hear the one about the canceled sitcoms?

New versions of "Wonder Woman," "The Love Boat," "Fantasy Island," "Love, American Style," "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "Daybreak" (a '90s "Six Million Dollar Man"): Burn, baby, burn, Series Inferno!

"Band of Gold": A drama about a prostitute and a private investigator. Wiser heads prevailed, so it won't be called "Private Dick."

"Dicks": A drama about black and white cop buddies. Wiser heads did not prevail.

SURFIN' THE SCENE: To answer sports columnist Steve Carp, who asked me to ponder why the Family Channel runs Jack Lord's violent "Hawaii Five-O," (co-starring Kam Fong as Chin Ho and Zulu as Kono!) well, Steverino: The Family Folks probably figure that Baby Boomers probably figure that if it didn't harm them as children, it won't hurt their own kiddies, either. It's only today's violent shows that will turn us all into serial killers.

And to my Accent amigo, fellow columnist and People in the News bon vivant Scott Dickensheets -- no, he is not moonlighting as the co-star of "Dicks" -- who referred to me in People as "sagacious," I can only say ... You're a fine judge of character, Scotty.

CROON A TUNE: Those Greatest American Dial File Readers, Alex Harman of K-News Radio (local, via phone) and Jean Sanger of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio (global, via the Internet) knew that the lyric "flyin' away on a wing and a prayer -- who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me" is from the "Greatest American Hero" theme. To Alex and Jean, may I say: Baby, you're both the Greatest.

Next? What cartoon series hero -- recently transformed into a movie hero -- would indulge in his goofy antics, and then "away he'll schlep on his elephant Shep"? Be the first to identify the Shep-riding schlep, via phone or e-mail -- providing the spelling of your name and a daytime phone number -- and your name will become Dial File fodder. An honor certainly worth schlepping after.

'PANIC' ATTACK: By-and-large, last week's local coverage of the anthrax scare -- despite knee-jerk media bashing (of which I've done my share in other instances) -- was responsible, if predictably hysteria-tinged. The facts -- as they emerged and later changed -- were accurately reported: That two men were arrested because the FBI believed they possessed dangerous biological substances that an FBI witness said was enough "to wipe out the city." And, that the substances were found to be harmless and the charges were dropped.

Try to imagine the outcry if those facts had not been reported. Got a complaint? See the FBI.

However, demonstrating anew the worst instincts of TV news, Channel 3 ran a story on the purchase of gas masks at a local store. Fine -- so did Channel 8 and Channel 13. But only Channel 3 added a big, fat banner at the bottom of the screen reading "PANIC!!!" (a three-exclamation pointer -- way to go, Ruse 3).

Someone needs to pipe a Sinatra CD into their newsroom: "Nice and easy does it ... Nice and easy does it ... Nice and easy does it, every time. ..."

archive