Dial File: From Bill’s libido to Oscar’s orgy

Thursday, Feb. 12, 1998 | 9:35 a.m.

BILL'S OUT. Oscar's in.

Mr. Clinton and Miss Lewinsky, though capable of serious staying power, are poised to be overtaken by TV's next mammoth mission, scheduled every year around this time: Oscar Orgy.

Tired of "Titanic"? Better get your second, third and fourth winds because, with its record-tying 14 nominations, the epic tale of passion and tragedy on the high seas will hijack the airwaves from now until the Oscar telecast on March 23. The ransom note will carry the signatures of, among others: E!, CNN, "Entertainment Tonight," "Extra," "Access Hollywood," "American Journal," "Inside Edition," Ba-Ba Wa-Wa (Miss Walters to her friends), "Today," "Tonight," "Late Show," "Dateline" and about a thousand other assorted yentas on the entertainment airwaves and cable lines.

Overkill, thy name is television.

Think you can ride out this Tinseltown tidal wave? Sorry, Big Kahuna -- we're all headed for a wipeout. So, in the interest of succumbing to the inevitable, shake the seaweed out of your hair and settle in for a look at Oscar-related stories and nonstories, both memorable and manufactured, destined to soak your set for the next 40 days and nights:

* Topic: Burt Reynolds. Angle: A star is re-porn. Interviews with: Sally Field ("He liked me -- he really liked me"), Loni Anderson ("He hates me -- he really hates me"), Dom DeLuise ("Where's the buffet?"). Overused clips: "Smokey and the Bandit," "Cannonball Run," Burt with a staple in his navel in a nude Cosmo layout.

* Topic: Helen Hunt. Angle: Mad about movies, sad about sitcoms. Interviews with: Paul Reiser ("How come I didn't get a nomination for 'Bye-Bye Love'?"), NBC programming chief Warren Littlefield ("To hell with Seinfeld and Clooney -- I'll pay her $1 billion per episode, and I'll throw in Reiser's whirlpool and private masseuse"), Paul Reiser ("How come I didn't get nominated for my telephone commercials? I thought we were making a little progress. Am I being unclear?"). Overused clips: Helen as a cute wife on "Mad About You," Helen as a cute tornado chaser in "Twister," Helen as a cute NBC commodity asking Warren Littlefield to stop sobbing uncontrollably.

* Topic: Peter Fonda. Angle: Like icon, like son. Interviews with: Jane Fonda ("I love him like a brother"), Henry Fonda, mostly from when he was alive ("I loved him like a son"), Jack Nicholson ("I loved him, but we were so stoned in those days, I can't remember why"). Overused clips: "Easy Rider," "Easy Rider" and "Easy Rider."

* Topic: Gloria Stuart. Angle: America's grandma. Interviews with: James Cameron ("She demanded a Harley Davidson hog on the set and kept gunning the engine, driving everyone nuts"), Kate Winslet ("We tossed a coin over who would do the nude scene"), Leonardo DiCaprio ("She's a babe -- when Jim Cameron wasn't looking, we went skinny-dipping in that huge water tank"). Overused clips: "Titanic" (Gloria teetering over a ship's railing), "Titanic" (Gloria proclaiming: "I was a dish, wasn't I?"), "Titanic" (Gloria retelling her tale of love with DiCaprio and rhetorically asking: "Did we DO it?").

* Topic: James Cameron. Angle: Spielberg is dead ("Ami-What?"); long live the New Spielberg, Part I. Interviews with: Arnold Schwarzenegger ("He's like a faddah to me"), Linda Hamilton ("He's like a husband to me"), the cast and crew of "Titanic" ("He's like a tyrant to us"). Overused clips: "The Terminator," "The Abyss," Cameron shouting orders while hip deep in make-believe sea water as faux-furniture floats by.

* Topic: Steven Spielberg. Angle: Spielberg is dead ("Ami-Who?"); long live the New Spielberg, Part II. Interviews with: Amy Irving ("He's like an ex-husband to me"), E.T. ("he was a real skinflint with cast expenses -- he never let me phone home"), Bruce the shark ("he was a real skinflint with food budgets -- Robert Shaw wasn't nearly filling enough."). Overused clips: "Schindler's List," "Jaws," oddly unsettling footage of a white guy with a megaphone ordering around black actors in chains.

* Topic: Greg Kinnear. Angle: From NBC's "Later" to career "See ya later." Interviews with: John Henson, Kinnear's successor on E!'s "Talk Soup" ("Now that I'm introducing clips of 450-pound dominatrixes with 11 fingers, can I get an Oscar too?"), director Garry Marshall ("If Greg's willing, now would be a perfect time for a remake of 'Dear God'"), Warren Littlefield ("To hell with Jay Leno, I'll pay him $2 billion per night and I'll toss in Andy Richter"). Overused clips: "Sabrina," "Dear God," "Talk Soup" highlights with Kinnear's eternally-arched eyebrows resembling a position out of the Kama Sutra.

Which reminds me -- I'm going to miss Bill and Monica.

THIS & THAT: Paige O'Hara of the Flamingo's "Great Radio City Spectacular" with the Rockettes will visit Rosie O'Donnell's daytime talk show when it tapes here in Las Vegas on Feb. 19 for airing on Feb. 20 (3 p.m., KLAS Channel 8). ... Still no word on whether KVVU Channel 5 can attach a tractor beam to "Star Trek: Voyager," left adrift beyond the Vegas Quadrant when UPN was vaporized by Channel 21. The show is still stranded on Planet Limbo, and the Prime Directive of UPN and Channel 5 Capt. Rusty Durante seems to be "no comment." These guys oughtta sit down over a bottle of Klingon Blood Wine and a pitcher of Cardassian Ale and agree to beam "Voyager" back to Vegas already.

CROON A TUNE: On your mark, get set and go now, got two champs and they just know now that "give us any chance, we'll take it; read us any rule, we'll break it" was from the "Laverne & Shirley" theme. Reader Andie Sorvig proved she is anything but a schlemiel or a schlemazel by knowing that tune signaled the Penny Marshall/Cindy Williams sitcom. Do it your way, Andie, yes, your way: Make all your dreams come true.

On the Internet side, a fella you may have heard of -- Channel 3 meteorological maven Nathan Tannenbaum -- was the first to electronically ID our mystery theme. In the spirit of that show, Nate, we hereby dub thee: The Big Tanu. Or would you prefer "Squiggy"?

Next? Who proclaimed that "we have a dream, we go travelin' together; we spread a little lovin' and we'll keep movin' on" (all the way to Vegas, in fact)? The modus operandi remains: Be the first, via phone or e-mail, to croon that tune, either before or after noon, but definitely soon, and you'll swoon when your name is announced by this Dial File loon, sending your spirits to the moon (no, you won't have to wait until June). Remember: Forgetting to leave the spelling of your name and a daytime telephone number will be your ruin.

HOWIE & MORTY & DRECK, OH MY: In the wake of a recent column applauding the return of civilized talk shows comes this news: That Harasser of Pamblum-Puking Liberals, Morton Downey Jr., no doubt encouraged by Jerry Springer's discouraging ratings popularity, will attempt to resurrect his verbal bloodbath for syndication, while CBS is planning a late-night show to take on NBC's "Saturday Night Live," starring everyone's favorite Neanderthal nutjob, Howard Stern.

Good tastelessness prevails once more. ... Hey, do you smell something burning? Yo, Nero! I can't concentrate on the neo-Nazi and the gay activist in a hammerlock and the lesbian threesome with two geese and a sex toy when you're doing all that damn fiddling.

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