Dial File: Blame it on the fever

Friday, Dec. 11, 1998 | 11:26 a.m.

Disclaimer: The person writing this column has a 102-degree temperature. For anything and everything that follows -- it's clearly the fever talking:

* Memo to Lynne Russell, CNN Headline News anchor: Will you marry me? Here's everything you need to know: I enjoy long walks among the rose gardens, romantic, candlelit dinners, and I love to cuddle. Really.

* It's heartbreaking how something so right (Nathan Lane, Nathan Lane) could go so terribly, terribly wrong ("Encore! Encore!"). I was convinced he was TV's next Kelsey Grammer, especially since the "Frasier" producers were behind what turned out to be Lane's listless, lame-o loser. Next time they create a pompous, arrogant twit as a sitcom lead, they might want to make him just the tiniest bit likable, a la Dr. Frasier Crane. Lane's Joseph Pinoni wasn't vulnerable, just insufferable.

* Interactive TV -- linking your boob tube to your computer box via companies such as Web TV, Wink and MoreCom -- is scheduled to begin mass distribution in 1999. The prognostication is a toss-up: Younger generations, reared on computers, may embrace it, expecting their TV sets to do more than we faded old fogeys ever envisioned. However, a quote by Apple Computer co-founder Steve Jobs still resonates: "When you want to turn your mind on, you go to your computer. When you want to turn your mind off, you go to your television." Arrogant, but not without truth.

However, I've often carped that many good TV shows die young because viewers don't treat TV with the same respect and attention that they do other entertainment choices. Interactive TV could wipe that attitude away. I'll remain cautiously optimistic.

* TV Guide reports that a new, multihour documentary about the O.J. trial is on the way, with producers hoping to sell it to a network by June 12, the five-year anniversary of the Nicole Brown Simpson/Ronald Goldman slayings. Its title? "Absolutely 100 Percent Guilty," based on the book, "The Five Reasons O.J. Simpson Got Away With Murder." Clearly, it's not a whodunit. More like a Hedunit.

* Nothing on TV makes me feel older than "Beverly Hills, 90210." Why aren't these young whippersnappers back in school? Somebody call the truant officer, by gump!

* As affiliates abandon Howard Stern's Saturday night TV show like rats fleeing a, well, bigger rat, The King of All Sleaze-ia declares that he "must be doing something right." I like your thinking, Howard. Keep it up.

* Madonna is bringing her film "Truth or Dare" to TV -- sort of. She's developing a late night syndicated show based on the risque parlor game she featured in her documentary. The Famous Soda Bottle has yet to sign on for the project.

* Family programming is in. The Odyssey Channel has announced that it will broaden its religious-spiritual offerings to become more like the new Fox Family Channel and wholesome newcomer Pax TV. But if ratings flop, look for guest appearacnes by Howard Stern and The Famous Soda Bottle.

* Syndicated TV has the relationship cycle covered. Coming next fall is "Blind Date," in which every moment of a lovely-or-lousy rendezvous between two strangers matched by similar interests and personalities is recorded on videotape.

A current show, "Change of Heart," adds this twist, as described by Entertainment Weekly magazine: "Unmarried couples are set up with strangers picked to fill needs their partners aren't meeting (a woman who complains that her boyfriend is obsessed with porn gets fixed up with a clean-cut kindergarten teacher). As the significant other gazes on jealously. the guests describe their date in drooling detail. They both decide if they want to stay together or have "a change of heart."

And, just to reassure us that there is indeed logic in this crazy universe, next season will see a revival of "Divorce Court."

* Speaking of which: I'm genuinely sorry to hear that Jeri Ryan, the perfect 10 who plays Seven of Nine on "Star Trek: Voyager," has split from her husband. By the way, Jeri: I enjoy long walks among the rose gardens, romantic, candlelit dinners, and I love to cuddle.

Really.

Croon a Tune: GOTCHA! A few master Tune Crooners -- John Paine once again leading the limited pack -- got last week's trivia theme right, followed by a lot of folks who were stumped (one caller exclaimed "What IS that?" then hummed it furiously back into my voice mail). Gotta toss a toughie out there occasionally.

In this case, it was the whistle-while-you-sleuth "NBC Mystery Movie" theme (penned by the late, great Henry Mancini), the rotating 1971-77 anthology series that included Peter Falk's "Columbo," Dennis Weaver's "McCloud" and Rock Hudson's "McMillan & Wife" (co-starring Susan St. James).

Keeping pace behind the Painester were, in alphabetical order: Obert Brinley, Doris Duffey, Andrew Hatcher, Joe and Karen Lacy and Tim Victor.

Since last week's was one only a "Columbo" could love, this week we'll try one that an Inspector Clouseau could love -- or at least, have a decent shot at knowing (no, it isn't "The Pink Panther"). Call 259-4012 (it will ring four times) for the Dial File Ditty DuJour.

Tish -- you spoke French! (No, it's not that one, either).

Play us out, Maestro: "USA: Where The Flops Live On and On!" OK, so it's not poetry, but it does have pizazz. And it's also highly appropriate for a cable network seemingly building a franchise on failed sitcoms.

The cable outfit -- after, one assumes, much frenzied, cutthroat, bloodthirsty bidding with murderously jealous rivals -- shows reruns of such watershed comedies as "The Jeff Foxworthy Show," "Something So Right," "The Single Guy" and "Boston Common," with the equally breathtaking "Ned and Stacy" and "The Naked Truth" waiting in the wings.

Why, they could even spin this lineup off into its own nostalgia network. ... Maybe TVBland. Or Gyp-at-Nite.