Columnist Melissa Schorr: Sorry, the Force isn’t with her

Melissa Schorr

Monday, Dec. 7, 1998 | 9:57 a.m.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a 5-year-old girl had her first encounter with the Dark Side.

It was a dark, rainy day and she and her fellow campers were taken to a dark, scary place: a movie theater. Space battles were raging up on the screen. Kids were shrieking and throwing popcorn all around her. It was her first experience in a theater.

It was all very disturbing.

Afterwards, she tried to put the strange experience from her mind. She didn't beg her parents for an action figure. Though she fancied herself a princess, she never curled her hair into doughnuts and pinned them to the side of her head.

Life went on normally from there. There was always talk of the series returning, but it was set so far, far off in the distance -- the next millennium -- that it seemed as good as never.

In her opinion, the delay was almost spiteful of the director, as if he wanted to make the children wait until they were, well, grown-ups.

When the girl turned 20, she went to another galaxy far, far from home, a place where, to her surprise, long leisurely hours of dorm life (imbibing Everclear punch, playing Tetris on the Macintosh) were frequently punctuated by the war cry: "Let's have a Star Wars marathon!"

Then the wizened old college students would clear six hours in their otherwise busy schedules (see above) to relive a moment from their youth. The girl would dutifully join in, dozing periodically and waking up only for the movies' final, climatic lines -- "There's no place like home..." er, "Luke, I am your father."

That seemed like the end of it, but last week, a long time from now was suddenly here. People were plunking down seven bucks for films they didn't want to see, just to catch the two-minute trailers for the May release of the "Star Wars" prequel, "Episode I -- The Phantom Menace."

Newsweek breathlessly declared that the return is "a milestone, particularly for Gen-Xers, many of whom can recall their first 'Star Wars' screening with the same precision boomers reserve for the Kennedy assassination."

That's half true: I can remember my first "Star Wars" screening, but it hasn't made the deep impression on me that it has made on my peers, who still flood the aisles of Toys R' Us for action figures to this day.

For me, Harrison Ford is People's Sexiest Man of the Year, James Earl Jones is that floating head in "EFX" and Carrie Fisher's immortal lines are not "I'd rather kiss a Wookie," but "I've been looking for a red suede pump!" and "You're right, you're right, I know you're right," (from "When Harry Met Sally," of course).

Yes, "Star Wars" may have been a landmark film in its time, but do we really need more than one "second coming" as the millennium approaches?

Personally, I get a little nervous when hype turns hyper. Like the opening of the Bellagio, anything with so much pre-buzz is practically setting itself up for a bellyflop.

And thanks to director George Lucas' procrastination, I've grown more cynical in the interim, with every overhyped flop permanently etched on my brain. (i.e.: "Godzilla," every "Batman" sequel...)

So, yes, I do hope The Force will be with Lucas and his new flick. I'm sure it'll be with me as well -- with all the frenzy, I'll be Forced to go see it.