Columnist Sandy Thompson: A father grieves for his son

Sandy Thompson

Saturday, Oct. 11, 1997 | 7:10 a.m.

HE'S a father in pain -- the worst possible pain -- because he's lost his 13-year-old son.

The boy's death more than a week ago remains a mystery. Results of an autopsy are pending.

But his family and friends speak of the father's grief and how he cared about his son, as well as his other four children. He was a hard worker and provided a good home for them, they say.

Their comments are in sharp contrast to those of the boy's maternal grandmother, which I wrote about last week after listening to her talk about her loss.

Today, the father's friends and family talk about ITALICS his ITALICS emotional turmoil.

The father never left his five children unattended or neglected, his friends say, and there are no documents available indicating otherwise.

"A lot of loving, caring people are grieving badly right now," a friend says.

"I understand the intent of the article," he adds in a soft voice. But he says the timing of the grandmother's stinging words couldn't have been worse -- it was the day of the viewing.

There were no signs of temperature or illness as his grandmother had thought, I'm told. "We would have noticed if there was a problem," a friend says.

The boy simply didn't wake up one morning. CPR was performed, but to no avail. Valiant efforts were made to revive him, a friend says.

The father wouldn't let his kids suffer, another says. He was involved in their lives and had been a Little League coach.

The family had gone through the turmoil of the mother being sent to prison and the divorce. The children were upset, especially the 13-year-old boy. Friends say he was "down and out" about his mother being in prison. To add to the pain, they say, she tormented him by berating him in phone conversations.

"All he got from her (his mother) was harsh words, to turn him against his father," a friend says.

The boy's father, brothers and sisters gave him love and attention.

The father has been rebuilding his life, and is in a new relationship. He could have abandoned his children, but he didn't.

The paternal grandparents say they have been in daily contact with the children, and they don't live in a sorry or neglectful environment. The children aren't deprived.

There is a lesson here for other families who are going through similar turmoil, a friend says: Don't put your children in the middle.

"When there is a separation of parents, who listens to the children who are trapped in the middle?" she says.

The 13-year-old boy's mother "never considered his needs even up until the end," the friend says. "Even after he verbalized that he wanted to see her, she continued to hurt him emotionally. After all, she is a convicted felon spending her days in prison. She lost her rights when she committed her crime. What right did she have to control her son's emotions?"

The friend sums it up best in a letter she sent to me:

"I have heard about many families in the same circumstance and ask myself, 'What about the children? Adults seem to get caught up in being vindictive and hateful to one another without ever saying, shouldn't we consider our children?'

"If something could be said to summarize this, you are divorcing your spouse, not your child. The courts try to act in the best interest of everyone involved. One spouse is not going to be happy, but think of your child and the trauma of the whole situation. Don't turn your anger into your child's pain."

She says the mother must live with this for the rest of her life: "The last words I spoke to my child were not loving or caring, but spiteful and hateful."

The friend says we may never know why this 13-year-old boy died. She thinks it may have been a broken heart.

While the family and friends of the mother and the family and friends of the father tell different stories and blame each other, they do share one concern -- the welfare of the children involved.

Children should not feel trapped between adults' vengeful bickering and anger.

Last week's column and today's words were not meant to cause the families' more pain.

But if they can help prevent another child who's "trapped in the middle" from hurting or dying, then they will have been worth it.