Columnist Bob Shemeligain: Fargo: You’ve seen the film, try the bank!

Bob Shemeligain

Thursday, June 26, 1997 | 11:48 a.m.

I WAS IN A RUT. A career change was in order.

But what do to with all my nice white shirts and Modesto Uomo silk-patterned ties?

Then I saw a sign -- and it wasn't from the heavens. It was from the management of Wells Fargo bank: a "Help Wanted" sign.

I thought, I look presentable, I'm good with people. Why not bank on a new future at Wells Fargo?

I told my editor I had filed my last story.

"What is it this time?" he asked without looking up from his desk. "Did someone send you another one of those gambling books promising you $100,000 a year?"

I told him I was through with all that nonsense; I was going to apply for a job at Wells Fargo.

"You, a banker?" my editor sniffed.

"That's right," I replied, "and I wouldn't advise you to approach my desk when you need a car loan. We in banking know that you newspaper guys are broke."

It was heady talk considering I was -- as they say -- "between jobs." But I figured I was a shoe-in for a job at my local bank branch.

However, Pandora, the Wells Fargo representative, set me straight when I asked for an application.

"This is one of six branches we're closing in September," Pandora said. "Don't you read the newspapers? What business did you say you were in?"

"I'm a disc jockey. They tell me I have the perfect look for radio," I said with a big smile. "But banking interests me more."

Pandora said she wanted to go over the "Job Skills Testing Brochure."

"Fire away," I said.

Suddenly a bank security guard lunged toward me, but was blocked by quick-thinking Pandora.

"Please watch what you say," Pandora said as she restrained the guard. "Everyone's a little on edge with all the recent publicity about the merger."

"Oh, yes," I replied. "All those news stories."

Then it was back to the job-skills test. Pandora started with hypothetical questions.

"Let's say you notice a line of customers stretching out the door, the majority of whom have been stripped of their check-guarantee cards for no particular reason, and there are only two tellers working the windows. What do you do?"

I replied that I would drop what I was doing and rush over to a window and start helping customers.

"No," Pandora said. "You are supposed to go over to people in the line and suggest they use the automatic teller machine."

"But what if one of them tries to hit me?" I protested.

"Don't worry. We have security guards," she replied.

Next, Pandora asked what my reply would be if a customer asked why Wells Fargo is closing branches.

"To save money on operating costs," I suggested with a weak smile.

"Wrong again," Pandora said. "You're supposed to reply that the closures are consistent with the bank's 'Anytime Anywhere' strategy."

With that, Pandora filed my application and offered me a lovely parting gift, which I immediately took to my editor.

"What the hell is that?" he asked.

"It's a paperweight shaped like a hammer," I replied. "Just hit me over the head with it the next time I talk about a career change."

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