Movie Guys: This ‘Postman’ doesn’t even knock once

Jeff

Friday, Dec. 26, 1997 | 9:19 a.m.

* Grades: Jeff: D; Dave: C+.

* Starring: Kevin Costner, Olivia Williams, Will Patton and Tom Petty.

* Screenplay: Eric Roth and Brian Helgeland.

* Director: Kevin Costner.

* Rated: R for violence, sexual situations and profanity.

* Running Time: 177 minutes.

* Playing at: UA Showcase Mall, UA Green Valley, ACT III Boulder Station, Century Orleans, Cinedome 12 Henderson, Century Desert 16.

Synopsis: In the not-too-distant future, America is left with no civilization, no help and no hope. While traveling the country, one of the survivors finds a postal uniform and a bag filled with old letters. The man takes on the task of delivering the mail, as well as delivering hope to the people he sees.

Dave: Look who's back in the director's chair? No, I don't mean Quentin Tarintino, although "Jackie Brown" did open on Christmas Day. I'm talking about Oscar-winning director Kevin Costner, who has not directed since "Dances With Wolves" (1990's Academy Award winner for Best Picture). As producer/director/actor in this post-apocalyptic epic, Costner attempts to deliver a patriotic message that "hope is found in humanity."

Jeff: You know Dave, someone should have told Costner that movies about postmen delivering mail, let alone "hope" in a neighborhood after a worldwide holocaust, is not only stupid, but downright laughable. The mail must get through, but this is ridiculous.

Dave: Maybe that is why Costner passed on the project six years ago. My question is: Why did he accept it after making what he described as necessary changes? Any change would have to have been a welcome improvement. Who wants to see a "Mad Max"-like drifter deliver the mail? We want to see a high body count. We want to witness explosive action. We want to feel something, anything, for our hero. This is supposed to be an apocalyptic thriller, isn't it?

Jeff: This was a "Mad Max" imitation without the action or the fast cars. At least in "Mad Max" we know what they are after: Gasoline. What do they want in "The Postman"? The mail? The film starts out informing us that we are 16 years into the future and some worldwide catastrophe has occurred. It's an event that has crippled technology, shattered the infrastructure of cities and created patches of survivors who ward off any strangers trying to gain access to their village.

My question, Dave, is: What happened? Was it nuclear war? No, it couldn't be. No mutants were seen in the movie and wildlife still thrives. So what caused this disaster? We never know. And I am so sick of these dismal futuristic movies where everyday objects, such as a television set, are referred to with such zeal because they haven't been around in a decade or so. The setting of "The Postman" looked more like a western than a prophetic thriller, complete with teams of horses.

Dave: First off, Jeffrey, I believe the cause of the world's demise is incidental. Second, I'm not about to nitpick over references to "everyday objects," because, as you well know, that allows the audience to relate to our hero and his situation. However, I will point out that this film has the corniest dialogue since "Showgirls." With Costner spouting such forgettable lines as "How much mail can a dead postman deliver?" co-screenwriter Eric Roth (an Oscar-winner for 1994's "Forrest Gump") should ask himself, "How many scripts can a hack writer deliver?" Sorry, Mr. Roth.

Jeff: "The Postman" does have the most laughable dialogue. My favorite line is: "You give out hope like candy from your pocket." And how could anyone forget the pep talk "The Postman" gives his fleet of teenage carriers, with such inspiring words as: "There once was a mailman for every street in America." Wow! Can you imagine that? The trouble is that the actors have nothing to work with. The plot is so absent that the movie becomes nothing more than a futuristic Pony Express, with hope built on the fact that the mail always gets through. What a waste of film.

Dave: As well as a waste of quality performances, including one by Costner, who gives the passion to this character that was much needed in his last post-apocalyptic disaster, "Waterworld"; and the villainous general, played ominously by Will Patton (also Costner's nemesis in "No Way Out"). Plus, Costner's direction is outstanding as he captures some foreboding shots and proves his talents by playing off the audience's emotions.

Jeff: Costner's direction is well-executed, and there is no question that he has the ability to orchestrate large crowds of extras, but his choice of material is in question. This is a three-hour snore fest. We all knew how bad this would be when we saw the coming attraction two months ago. But I said I would keep an open mind until I saw the movie. Now that I have, return to sender.

I may be taking a simple approach in reviewing "The Postman," however, the story structure -- and the characters -- are so one-dimensional that any other approach would be pointless. I want to urge Costner to return to the great film comedies he is so good at, such as "Tin Cup," and leave the big budget sci-fi films to directors (James Cameron, Ridley Scott) who know how to make them. Whatever the intention Costner had in starting this cinematic mess, the end result is that "The Postman" doesn't deliver.

MOVIE BUZZ

* From the "Nooooooo!" file: Rumors are buzzing throughout the office halls of Universal that they may purchase the rights to those "lovable," yet incredibly annoying blue demons, "The Smurfs." You may remember them from their sickeningly-sweet children's cartoon series in the 1980s. If the project does go through, it's expected to be a live-action, feature-length movie with computer-generated Smurfs. We can't wait.

* "Eyes" open slightly: Stanley Kubrick, who has kept a tight lid of secrecy on his latest film, "Eyes Wide Shut," since he started production more than a year ago, has disclosed that it is based on a 1926 novella, "Rhapsody: A Dream Novel," by Arthur Schnitzler. The story reportedly concerns a doctor and his wife who admit to each other that they fantasize about other partners and enter a "sexual underworld" before returning to one another. The film stars Tom Cruise and wife Nicole Kidman as the sexually dysfunctional couple.

* Crystal cleared: Actor/comedian Billy Crystal will return to host next year's Oscar awards telecast on March 23, according to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. It will be Crystal's sixth Oscar assignment. We're already taking bets on how he's going to parody "L.A. Confidential."

NEW ON VIDEO

"Conspiracy Theory" (Warner Home Video; Rated R; VHS / Laserdisc; Grade, C): Credit to stars Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts for giving meaningful performances in a movie that looks sharp and slick -- too bad the plot isn't. Gibson plays a Manhattan cab driver with far-fetched theories who has a personal and political interest in a Justice Department attorney (Roberts). When one of his conspiracy theories touches a government nerve, an evil psychiatrist (Patrick Stewart) sets out to find our cabbie hero and his love interest to see exactly what they know.

Director Richard Donner down-shifts from a promising start with a looney Gibson and his intriguing paranoia to, mid-movie, a now mind-controlled Gibson and enough plot holes to drive my truck through. Overall, the film isn't an effective thriller, but shamelessly robs the classic torture scene from "The Marathon Man."

"Spawn" (New Line Home Video; Rated PG-13; VHS/Laserdisc; Grade, B): It's such a rare event for a comic book to be successfully translated to the big screen, and this wasn't that event. "Spawn" is the story of Al Simmons, a covert military operative who is betrayed, burned and buried by his boss (Martin Sheen.) Simmons' soul is sent to Hell, where he is instructed by a disgusting, flatulent clown (John Leguizamo), who brings much needed laughs to this dark and disturbing action film. The movie doesn't really capture the feel of "Spawn" the comic book. Instead, it's a dumbed-down version, targeted towards a wider, younger audience. Sure, the special effects are cool, but there's no sex, no blood and no horrific images. Do yourself a favor and go get HBO's animated "Spawn" series instead. It's everything the movie should have been.

VIEWPOINT

'Tis the season for giving, and even though Christmas has passed (barely), we'd like to tell you what gifts we would give to certain celebrities, if given the chance:

* For "Titanic" director James Cameron: A honeymoon with his new wife, actress Linda Hamilton. A nice long sea cruise, perhaps! Just kidding.

* For actor Tom Arnold: A role in a film by James Cameron. Tom can be funny, but not while doing garbage like "McHale's Navy."

* For Chevy Chase: A hit film, preferably another installment of the "Fletch" series. This one actually seems possible, since "Chasing Amy" writer/director Kevin Smith is working on a script.

* For producer/director Tim Burton and actor Nicholas Cage: The realization that they can't do justice to "Superman."

* For John Goodman: Pictures of John Candy, John Belushi and Chris Farley as a sobering reminder.

* For Robert Downey, Jr. and Christian Slater: A day, sometime in the future, without striped sunlight.

* For Steven Spielberg: A great script for another "Indiana Jones" film. We need to see Harrison Ford in that fedora again.

* For Quentin Tarantino: A little respect from the mainstream film community. Give the guy a break, OK?

* For "Batman & Robin" director Joel Shumacher: A copy of the graphic novel "The Dark Knight Returns," so he can know how Batman should be portrayed on film.

That wraps things up in a nice little bow. We hope you all had a wonderful holiday! (Be sure to save us some leftovers).

NAME THAT FLICK

This time we had a tremendous response to the weekly movie quote: "Kidnap the Sandy Claws, beat him with a stick. Lock him up for 90 years, see what makes him tick." We must have a lot of Tim Burton fans out there. The Movie Guys salute reader Terry King for successfully answering "A Nightmare Before Christmas." Way to go, dude!

That was kind of easy. This week we're going to give you a semi-tough quote. Who said this and in what film: "You can suck on 'em and suck on 'em and they'll never get any smaller. At least, I think they won't. A few more tests." Do you know it? Give us a call at 225-9026 or e-mail us at movieguys5@aol.com. Please spell your name and leave your daytime phone number. Be the first to answer it correctly and The Movie Guys will print your name right here in this column.

And you thought today wasn't going to be special.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Next year (and, coincidentally, next week, too), Jeff and Dave "Deconstruct" Woody Allen's latest film about a guy named "Harry." Plus, more video reviews, commentary and good stuff like that.

THE MOVIE GUYS, starring Jeff Howard and Dave Neil, appears every Friday in the SUN (additional material provided by Thomas Feeney). You can also read their capsule reviews of movies in Scope magazine; listen to their reviews and commentary every Saturday and Sunday from 3 to 5 p.m. on their radio show "Quiet on the Set" on KVBC 105.1-FM; and watch their reviews every Friday on Channel 3's 11 p.m. newscast. Plus, check them out online at: www.lasvegassun.com/sun/sunlife/ movies.

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