Columnist Bob Shemeligian: If you can’t read the first 11 words …

Bob Shemeligian

Thursday, Oct. 31, 1996 | 11:59 a.m.

AN 11-MINUTE guarantee. Now, that's an idea.

That's what National Programming Service, the pay-per-view vendor for the Nov. 9 Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield bout, is offering.

The idea is simple: If the fight doesn't last at least three rounds, then subscribers will be refunded a third of the $49.95 sales price.

After each three-minute round, the fighters break for one minute, so three rounds take about 11 minutes.

The reason for the guarantee is because two of Tyson's recent fights -- against Peter McNeeley and Bruce Seldon -- finished quicker than you can pronounce my last name.

Boxing aficionados surely will cry foul. For they believe in the purity and sanctity of this sport, which involves two guys whacking each other in the head until the winner -- usually the one who suffers the least amount of brain damage -- is declared.

Moreover, indications are that the Nevada State Athletic Commission, New Jersey Athletic Control Board and, of course, the New York State Commission to Study How to Prevent Boxing Staffers From Clocking Each Other With Cellular Phones are looking long and hard into the ramifications of such a guarantee.

With such an offer, we might expect the dominant fighter to simply dance his way to Round 4, giving members of his camp more time to make "Friends and Family" calls on their cellulars before they use the portable phones as lethal weapons.

But if the fight is perceived as a good, clean bout -- meaning that both fighters are beaten up and bloodied for at least three rounds before Tyson causes the onset of dementia in Holyfield's already-battered brain with an unbelievably powerful right hook -- then the three-minute guarantee might catch on in other venues.

Who knows what we might expect?

* A guarantee of at least 11 minutes of drama and excitement during an exhibition race between New York Yankee slugger Cecil Fielder and golfing great Craig "The Walrus" Stadler in the 100-yard dash.

* A free carton of Tums for any 7-Eleven customer who can eat 11 of the convenience store's foil-wrapped hot dogs, thereby risking several hours of heartburn and a cholesterol rating of 1,100.

* A guarantee of at least 11 minutes of "adult entertainment" at any Nye County brothel or the customer's money back -- minus the 40 percent commission to the Clark County cabbie waiting outside with the motor and the meter running.

* A guarantee of at least an 11-minute standing ovation by every resident of Southern Nevada if the 0-9 Rebels manage to win the game Saturday against Fresno State at Sam Boyd Stadium.

* A promise by the head of Metro's traffic division to come down hard on any motorist who does not adhere to speed limits of 11 mph in any of the Valley's 23,000 school zones or who does not wait the full 11 minutes for the light to turn green in the pre-dawn hours at one of the area's countless deserted intersections.