Shedding a black light on etiquette

Lisa Ferguson

Tuesday, Dec. 17, 1996 | 11:59 a.m.

Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt and Miss Manners have nothing on them.

Nothing about how blacks should react when they're stopped by the police. Or what to say when people mistake you for the hired help.

"The initial reaction is just shock," says Karen Grigsby Bates, who, with Karen Elyse Hudson, co-authored "Basic Black: Home Training for Modern Times" (Doubleday, $24.95), an etiquette guide for blacks.

"It's a very demeaning thing to have done to you, and people who are not black often do it," says Bates, a contributing columnist for the Los Angeles Times who has also written for Vogue and Essence magazines.

"We wanted to have some answers for the people it happens to. This is going to happen to you for the rest of your life because you're black," she says, "but you can coach yourself on how to react to this -- how to keep your dignity, your temper and your job."

"There's no such thing as black manners, but there are some cultural differences that aren't addressed in traditional etiquette books," says Hudson, who previously authored two biographies about her architect grandfather.

"For us to assume that everyone has that information" is wrong, she says.

So, what should you do if an officer pulls you over?

Before reaching for the registration, tell him what you're doing, Hudson advised in a recent phone interview from her Los Angeles home.

Also, "Don't argue with the officer. You can always choose the option of going to traffic court and defend yourself there," it says in Chapter 38, "In Case You're Wondering."

But what about less-pressing issues, like how -- and what -- to serve at a luncheon?

"If you want to serve hot wings on that tea table instead of watercress sandwiches, be our guest," just do it properly, Hudson says. "What we're saying is be yourself, but respect yourself and respect other people."

So it comes as no surprise to the authors -- who call themselves "The 2 Karens" -- that "Basic Black" has gained acceptance across the ethnic board since it hit bookstores earlier this month.

"It's turned out that it's become a book for everybody," Hudson says, having recently returned from an East Coast book-signing tour.

"The whole evolution of etiquette books is very reflective of American society," Bates said.

"You would never have heard anybody talk about the dilemma of the pregnant bride in 1945." But today, "You can still walk down the aisle ... and still have a lovely wedding, so the general population has loosened up a lot more."

But maybe too much.

"People don't RSVP when they're supposed to, which is totally inconsiderate to the hostess," Hudson says.

Even in the high-tech '90s, old-fashioned p's and q's still have their place.

The same goes for thank-you notes. When was the last time you sent one for a gift received?

Hudson guesses it's probably been awhile. "It's too easy to pick up the phone, send a fax or an e-mail, or just ignore it all together," she says.

That's still no excuse. "Write them!" Bates commands. "It doesn't have to be a thank-you letter. People are really thrilled if you take the time to scribble a few lines. It's one way to say, 'I got it and I loved it.'"

Even if you didn't.

"There's not a lot of diplomatic ways of saying, 'It has been received and I wish you hadn't sent it,'" she says. Next time try, "'This is just so unusual. Thanks so much for thinking of us.'"

But there's no need the thank these authors. After all, they aren't your typical etiquette mavens.

"We're quite far removed from Emily Post or even Miss Manners," Bates contends. "We think of ourselves as social observers, chroniclers and information gatherers, and we're just sharing the information we've gathered."