Holidays a time for host-guest etiquette

Lisa Ferguson

Tuesday, Dec. 17, 1996 | 11:59 a.m.

With the holiday season in full swing, chances are you'll be attending some sort of celebration soon.

Or worse, hosting one.

Luckily, Karen Grigsby Bates and Karen Elyse Hudson, authors of "Basic Black: Home Training for Modern Times," offer -- politely, of course -- a few of their favorite etiquette do's and don'ts to help keep hosts' and guests' manners in check.

In Chapter 13, titled "My House, My Rules," the pair tackle the potentially sticky situation of when adult children bring their significant others home for the holidays and ask, "So, Mom, where do we sleep?"

According to the book, parents should, "... Firmly inform your son that his company is welcome, but she will be sleeping in the guest room." Otherwise, recommend he make reservations elsewhere.

"When at home, do what your parents want you to," Bates says. "They're not giving you a hard time, they're giving you their ground rules."

And no matter who you stay with, "Adapt to the mode of living that they have," says Hudson. "If they get up in the morning, you get up in the morning. Do whatever they do."

Same goes for family traditions and religious rituals -- to an extent.

"I think I'd take the cue from the family," Bates says. "I've been to a (Jewish) Seder ... and I know that there are specific (rituals) that go along with that."

"It goes back to respecting each other's cultures," Hudson says. "You certainly don't have to participate in their religious celebration if that's not something you believe in."

Still, "I'd ask the host, 'Is there anything I should bring along? What should a guest do?'" Bates adds. "Unless you've done a lot of research, the easiest and best thing to do is just ask."

And last but not least, don't forget the time-honored tradition of presenting your host with a gift.

Flowers, candy or a nice bottle of wine are good standbys, but don't be afraid to get creative, Hudson says, especially if you're visiting a family with children.

"You may take them something as simple as a Monopoly game," or invite the parents to a much-appreciated "Adults night, where you hire the baby sitter," she says.