Ron and Joe Go to White Castle

By Ron Kantowski

Monday, June 1, 2009 | 1:33 p.m.

A lot of people (at least in Maxwell Smart terms) have been calling and E-mailing, wanting to know how my Midwestern vacation -- a k a "Ron and Joe Go to White Castle" -- turned out.

So shine up your white patent leather Clark Griswolds and I'll take you for a ride over the next five days:

DAY ONE

Kansas City to St. Louis

First you must meet my co-pilot, Joe.

Joe is my brother-in-law. He's real good at fixing things. Whereas I am not. Joe also used to drive a truck and got paid for it. He might be the best driver since Rain Man and Helio Castroneves which is what I told him every time he suggested that I climb behind the wheel.

Joe has a great collection of old LPs, including a near-mint condition of Herb Alpert's "Whipped Cream & Other Delights" which came out in 1965, when I was eight. Anybody who went through puberty around that time will never forget the album cover, which showed a gorgeous woman clad in a gown of whipped cream -- and nothing else.

I mentioned that album to Joe on our first visit. The next time, he had moved the Tijuana Brass ahead of Steve Miller's "Fly Like an Eagle" to the top of the stack next to the old turntable and the Marantz receiver with the tubes.

Anyway, we're not 20 minutes out of Kansas City on I-70 when Joe reaches into the console and pulls out a 40th anniversary CD edition of "Whipped Cream & Other Delights" -- complete with a poster of the Whipped Cream Woman, which Joe unfolded with one hand while steering around a Kenworth pullin' logs with his left. I told you he was an excellent driver.

A few minutes later, as we came up on one of Chuck Berry's Coupe de Villes (or was it Commander Cody in a Hot Rod Lincoln?), Joe was still strumming his fingers to "A Taste of Honey."

I was riding shotgun, making silly trumpet sounds.

DAY ONE RECAP:

--- Distance: 234 miles.

--- Memorable line: As we came up on Columbia, home of the Missouri Tigers, Joe asked if he should put on his Kansas Jayhawks cap and scare the heck out of everybody within a 25-mile radius. Only he didn't say heck.

--- Playing in the CD deck: "A Taste of Honey" by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass.

--- White Castles: Wentzville, Lake St. Louis, Arnold, Cottleville, St. Peter's, St. Charles and what seemed like one on every corner in St. Louis.

--- Lodging: Econo Lodge on the Mississippi River downtown. It was a great location, which in the lodging business is sort of like saying the cousin your buddy is trying to set you up with has a nice personality.

--- Best beer: Ice cold Budweiser (what else in St. Louis?) on the deck at Sundeckers on the river.

--- You should have seen: Those barges floating under the Martin Luther King Bridge on the Big Muddy.

--- Sports event du jour: Cardinals 5, Royals 0 at the new Busch Stadium. Being a huge Royals fan, Joe enjoyed the Hooters across the street from Mike Shannon's a lot more than he did the game.

--- Next stop: Indianapolis.