By Ron Kantowski

Published Wednesday, Sept. 10, 2008 | 4:35 p.m.

Updated Tuesday, Oct. 28, 2008 | 10:15 a.m.

NOW:

There was an envelope the size of Montana in my mailbox this morning. It was an invitation to the NASCAR Whelan All-American Series awards banquet at the Rio Hotel-Casino.

After I rented a jackhammer to open it, I noticed the invitation was glued to a metallic red piece of cardboard, which in turn was glued to a bigger piece of metallic black and gray piece of cardboard that had glittery stuff on it.

It said the pleasure of my company was requested.

The envelope/emergency strongbox also included a tuxedo rental form, with four options -- classic package, fashion package 1, fashion package 2 and designer package, which I believe is a Dale Earnhardt Jr. T-shirt with suspenders.

By using the form, you could rent black socks for $5.99, although I expect a lot of NASCAR fans to bring their own socks, and spend the $5.99 on a 30-pack of Milwaukee's Best.

In fact, that's one of the tables where I'd want to sit.

I also received an invitation to the Indy Racing League Championship Ceremony and Celebration -- read: postseason banquet -- at Rain Nightclub at the Palms. It was shaped like a race car. No glitter, no tuxedo reservation form, no, for once, photo of Danica Patrick with her side pods showing.

In real small print, it said "Las Vegas cocktail attire."

Good. That means I can wear shorts and loafers with no socks and smoke a cheap cigar.

THEN:

Tennessee Titans is an OK name for a pro football team.

Tennessee Tuxedos would be so much better.