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NOW:
It might have been the most impressive rant since Dennis Miller launched his brief Monday Night Football career by calling Canton, Ohio, the Tigris and Euphrates of professional football.
In the part of the Sun you can hold in your hand I had written about 51s fans who were upset they couldn't find a parking place and sundry other things on Fireworks Night. When I returned from lunch, there was a two-part, eight-minute monologue on my voice mail.
I wish I knew how to turn voice mail into an MP3 or a DMV or a WMD or whatever the latest method is to listen to funny stuff over the Internet, because retelling it here won't do it justice.
But the blog must go on.
The caller said he has be going to 51s games for 15 years and he can't remember the last time somebody smiled when they handed him a program. He said the ushers look like high school kids who have been sent to detention. They look like they are being punished for something, he said.
"Everybody who works at Cashman Field needs a haircut."
Then he went off on the 51s' fluffy, furry and, according to him, aromatic mascot.
"Even Cosmo kind of smells," he said as the rant passed the three-minute mark. "And his pants don't even reach to his shoes. It's like he's growing every year or something. Another couple of inches and you'll be able to see his white socks."
Like Joe Paterno, I guess.
Then the caller asked if anybody had ever seen 51s president Don Logan and Cosmo in the same room.
"My theory is that they are like Peter Parker and Spiderman -- they're the same person."
It went on like that for five more minutes. It was like listening to "Frampton Comes Alive," only without those crazy "wah-wah" sounds from the talk box.
This talk box was attached to a passionate Las Vegas sports fan named Dana Lane, who drives a cab for a living, only because he can't get paid for ducking into the latrine and poring over box scores. He said that's how he spent his time in the Air Force, at least until Major Healy ratted him out.
But he said even if Cashman Field's red-and-yellow seats make the 51s look like the Double-A affiliate of the old Albuquerque Dukes, he'll be back.
With clippers.
And a can of Arrid Extra Dry, for Cosmo.
----- Still no word from Anschutz Entertainment Group headquarters about what, if anything, is happening with the proposed NBA arena behind Bally's. But at least Rob Stillwell of Boyd Gaming Group called to say the vague reference to "Echelon" on the AEG Web site under the Las Vegas arena section was a reference to the gaming group's 87-acre, multi-property destination planned for the Strip near the old Stardust hotel. (AEG will operate two theaters/entertainment venues in conjunction with the project). When I asked Stillwell if he knew what those cryptic paragraph signs on the Web site meant, he said he was just as confused as I was. And that he also was waiting for L.A. to return a phone call.
----- Update: They've taken down the paragraph signs on the AEG Web site. They've been replaced with a press release dated Aug. 22, 2007 about a world class sports and entertainment arena that will be developed on the Las Vegas Strip. It says ground will be broken in "Summer 2008." Not June 2008. Oh, and there's a rendering of what appears to be the top of a world class sports and entertinament arena that has Jon Bon Jovi's picture on it.
----- If Bob Arum doesn't watch out, Dana White of the UFC is going to pass him on the high side as the most colorful quote in Las Vegas when it comes to sports in which the participants beat each other up. Dan Wetzel of Yahoo.com wrote a column in which White calls a rival mixed martial arts promoter a "T-shirt salesman." Then he started cussing like a sailor. But at least he didn't say the guy smelled, his pants were too short or he needed a haircut.
----- KLAS-TV Channel 8 will air a 30-minute special on the UNLV basketball team's trip to Australia called "UNLV Rebels Down Under" at 3 p.m. Saturday. The show will include a behind-the-scenes look at a wired-for-sound coach Lon Kruger, players at the Australian Zoo, a tour of the Sydney Opera House, a trip to Surfer's Paradise on the Gold Coast and a day at the Great Barrier Reef. Plus, you'll get to watch the Rebels playing ball against a bunch of tall guys wearing strange-looking uniforms that make those red, yellow and blue Hot Dog-on-a-Stick jumpers look like Yankee pinstripes.
THEN:
Life Simple Pleasure No. 19: Throwing a mean scroogie with a Wiffle Ball -- and not waking up the next morning with a sore arm.
I refuse to go to the 51's games even though I have been an avid baseball fan for 60 years. I retired to Las Vegas with a promise by their organization that they would find a "spot" for me. "We have lots of things a person like you can do", I was told by their Marketing Director. All I wanted was to be an usher, something to be close to the game I love so much. You see, I had been a semi-pro/college baseball umpire (as an avocation) for the past 30 years. When I arrived in LV and came for an interview (that I had to "beg" for) I was treated VERY poorly and told they had nothing for me. The ushers, I was told, were hired as young people (I am 63 - hmmm a little age discrimination here?). Anyway, I got a good part time job (as an educator/tour guide) with MGM-Mirage so no 51's for me. In my opinion, I think they are a very poorly run organization.
Now that I can can only go to Cashman field with a disguise because of my "observations" of the 51's staff/stadium I figured that I needed to finish eveyone off because lets face it there are others that need to be mentioned. Lets start withe the "chef" in the club level restaurant. I can get through having three scoops of "oh so delicious" thrown on my plate under the moniker of chicken cacciatore. But, as I glide through the offerings that night I spot which appears the be a side of ox but they call it roast beef. There it is. This wedge of meat waiting for "chef" to struggle through it just to cut you off a thin slice of heaven. I wonder, where on earth is this wedge cooked. All I know is they take the bone of the last one and replace it with a whole new one and they all look like the Prudential rock logo. I wonder if in the bowels of Cashman Field there are 51's staff trying to capture dinner with the promise they can get out of dentention if they corral enough meat to last the 7th inning.
Cashman Field an Don Logan get a bum rap again. If that reader had a clue about the food served he would contact The Las Vegas Convention Authority
Aramark is their food provider and server not The 51's
Before you start your day on blogs across America I just wanted to thank you for setting me straight. I was under the impression that this wedge of nutrition was lodged between the seat and the door of some ushers hatchback. I pictured a kitchen, upon its arrival, with numerous 11th graders with long hair and 51's golf shirts. Standing with them, with a fatherly assurance is Don Logan waiting to show them the finer points of marinating ox. After the lesson Cosmo, Duke, Hey Reb and the ghost of Boom Boom would deliver it to "Chef" to present for consumption. But I guess thats not how it works. Go 51's.
To the gentleman above who had the problem with the marketing staff's hiring practices, they do not hire the ushers. As for discrimination in the workplace...When I walk in the gates at the game I see two mentally challenged workers. One of them sells the programs. There are not a lot of organizations/businesses who would do that. As for stadium inprovements I suggest guiding your letters to the LVCVA they are the ones who keep the stadium outdated
The
The 51s organization does a service to the community -as wbalfan suggests- by offering equal employment opportunities to people who have disabilities. There is room for improvement in other aspects of the operation, however. First, Bundy can stop anytime his propensity for getting his runners thrown out at home plate. Put the stop sign up, Lorenzo! What about that mean security lady who patrols the blue seats by the 51s dug-out? I use my bosses' tickets 3-4 times per home-stint and am continually amazed at how gruffly she speaks to patrons. Shameful. The between innings "games" are stale and show little imagination - and the "haircut-needers" are obviously bored about performing them. And lately they started having a employee on the field talk on the microphone beofre the game. The regular loudspeaker announcer is exceptionally good; the new twist is a step backwards because the new guy shrills and is very unpolished. Otherwise my wife and I love going to Cashman Stadium. The pulled pork is outdstanding and the unique offerings at the food kiosks are tasty! We love the little girl who is our usher and we get a kick from 'Dancing Allen." Also, we love how Latino surnames are always properly pronounced.