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Erik Kabik/Retna/www.erikkabikphoto.com
Jay Leno at the 2nd Annual Barrett-Jackson Auto Auction at Mandalay Bay.
Published Sunday, Jan. 17, 2010 | 4:19 a.m.
Updated Sunday, Jan. 17, 2010 | 11:36 a.m.
What did he have to say about this mess?
Nothing.
Really.
Ninety minutes melted away for Jay Leno the network TV comic Saturday night at The Mirage, with nary a mention of Jay Leno the network TV newsmaker. Astounding. He might as well have performed with a giant, inflatable elephant in the corner. That's what seemed to share the stage with the gray-haired, blue-suited comedy conveyor belt at a packed Terry Fator Theater.
He's a veritable Jokebot, this Jay Leno of 2010. Charge him up and watch him go! In Leno's opening moments, with everyone in attendance assuredly wondering how he would unleash his sizzling comedic sensibilities on the controversy revolving around him and Conan O'Brien at NBC (you know, the one in which O'Brien and NBC have reportedly negotiated a multimillion-dollar contract buyout so Leno could return to the 11:30 p.m. time slot he vacated seven months ago), Leno said this:
"I'm exhausted! I played a foursome today with Tiger Woods!"
Delicious! Now let's get into the O'Brien material. "I'm glad golf is a Scottish game, because those Irish DO NOT LIKE ME!"
But no. He followed with more swings at Woods. "There's a movie coming out about Tiger Woods, maybe you've heard of it," he said. "It's called, 'It Was a Wonderful Life!'"
Hah! That Woods, what a maroon! OK, now, here it comes, "Any redheads in the audience? Raise your hands? I ask, because I've had NOTHING but trouble with redheads lately!"
But no. Instead: "Sarah Palin is rumored to be running for president in 2012! You hear this? A beauty queen running for president! If she wins, she'll be the first beauty queen who can actually do something about world peace, instead of just talking about it!"
Uh. What about, "Is there anyone out there who does NOT have a late-night talk show that has been screwed over by me? You, sir? Congratulations!" Or, "The luckiest man alive right now is David Letterman. I've given him more material than you'll find at Fabric Barn!"
Gales of laughter, for sure. But it never happened. The slimmed-down Leno was lithe and blithe, and the more he stamped out his reliable bits, the more it became obvious he was drifting farther and farther from the magic segue that would lead him back to O'Brien, NBC, and the farcical sequence of events that landed him once again at 11:30 p.m.
Instead, one of the country's most-celebrated comics embarked on an exercise in time travel, front-loading the show with fresh material and closing with antiquities his longtime fans certainly found familiar. The Palin joke drifted into President Obama's promise to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay: "You know it's getting bad when even the terrorists are losing their homes!" Soon it was racial profiling for potential terrorists: "If your first name is Muhammad and your last name is not Ali, you're going to wait at least 20 minutes before you board a plane so we can run a background check!"
He galloped along, blinders firmly in place, recounting the infamous photos released from the prison at Abu Ghraib in the middle of the last decade. We saw people in chains, nude, with leashes around their necks. Leno seized this moment to display some of his scant Vegas-targeted humor: "You know what that costs in Vegas? Five hundred dollars — and you don't even get a full hour!"
He told this one, too: "White collar crime is up — and that's just in the Catholic Church! I went to confession the other day and the priest said, 'Wait 'til you hear what I did!' " This is not only an old joke, it's a variation of an old joke told more than seven years ago on the same stage by a different comic — Dennis Miller. Miller's version of going to confession to meet the priest-as-sinner, from The Mirage in July 2002: "I walked in and said, 'You first.'"
Maybe it's a coincidence.
Finally, there was an opening for Leno to cut loose, a little more than an hour into the show, when he performed his customary, "What do you do for a living?" shtick for those seated in the first few rows. One guy said he'd lost his job, and Leno asked what that job was. "I worked in IT," the guy called out. Leno said, "Oh, you're the IT guy!" Funny. Then from across the theater, a guy shouted, "He worked for the Conan O'Brien show!"
The crowd was primed for this moment, and let out a communal, "OOOOOOH!" Leno dropped his guard, spitting out, "I can see why you lost your job."
It was the best joke of the show. The crowd cheered and braced for more.
But then Leno shook himself. "That is the stupidest news story in America." It wasn't so stupid during the week, when he joked about it during his ill-fated prime-time show.
I'm one who believes there are Letterman people and Leno people, and being one of the former, I can't believe Letterman — who spent a healthy spate of time carving up NBC during "The Late Show" last week — would have let that moment pass. But hey, Leno gets the ratings, right? At least at 11:30 p.m.
Soon, he was back on autopilot, complaining about how he was watching an episode of "Biography" on A&E dedicated to James Dean, who died at age 24. Then he watched another episode of A&E about George Abbott, who died at 107. Both episodes were an hour long. This seems out of whack, right? The imbalance prompted Leno to ask, "Wouldn't you think that the 107-year-old guy would at least get an extra 20 minutes?"
Hadn't thought of it, Jay. But now that you mention it, how long should Conan O'Brien's "Biography" documentary be, if we start it at 12:05 a.m.?
Leno closed with a pair of lengthy relics that are actually quite funny — if you've never seen Leno's stand-up act over the past 10 years. One was about how, when he was a child, he was sent by his mother to fetch special-occasion napkins for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Jay confusedly wandered into the feminine products section, picking up a big box with a photo of a flower and a woman riding a horse on it, then riding his bike back home and depositing these sanitary napkins on the table to complete the holiday place-settings. Familial panic ensued, especially from a shocked Aunt Faye.
Leno finished with a story about buying his parents a VCR back in the mid-'80s, and how he finally convinced them to rent "Sister Act" — the tape of "Sister Act" — from the movie-rental store, but how the store was out of that film and so the kid behind the counter suggested "Basic Instinct," instead. His parents flipped out in the first few minutes of the movie, called Jay in a panic, and he implored them to shut down the power in the entire house if necessary to stop the "devil machine."
Leno tells this story with the same zeal he experienced when he first realized it was a winner, lo so many years ago. This is the safe play, akin to laying up on the golf course, and that's how Leno likes it. He shoots for the middle of the fairway, never daring to be great, never risking recklessness. He's no Tiger Woods, give him that.
Follow John Katsilometes on Twitter at twitter.com/JohnnyKats.
Jay Leno actually has many enemies in the entertainment industry. He is akin to a Carlos Mencia by many for lying and stealing material.
His signature classic bit, "jay walking" was taken from Howard Stern who did it way before Jay.
John Katsilometes, as far as your future as a stand-up comedian, KEEP YOUR DAY JOB!
Incorrect Rhooster.
Leno was getting trounced by Letterman until Leno landed the Hugh Grant interview after Grant was arrested for solicitation of a prostitute.
After that interview, Leno started winning the ratings battle.
That Hugh Grant story is revisionism being pushed by Conan's handlers. Jay gained steadily on Letterman from the start. The Hugh Grant interview kept him out in front.
The Jaywalking type bits have been going on as long as there has been television (which was before Howard Stern).
I think Conan shouldn't have left New York. He doesn't look comfortable in LA. It seemed like Johnny Carson and Merv Griffin made the move more gracefully. Maybe it was just the times.
Hey jackiekatz, did you hear the one about the dyslexic drunk who stumbled into a bra?
Don't think Leno stole the jay-walking bit?
Then you probably don't think that Stern did the "chicken makes football picks" bit before Leno did. But he did.
And he did "work for your plugs" with guests before Leno did.
Leno wants to be Stern so bad that he hired stuttering-John (a virtual nobody) who was so un-funny by himself, he had to make him the announcer!
Jay Leno's true colors are finally out there for everyone to see. He's a total piece of garbage.
Jay Leno is a joke robot on auto-pilot with zero self-awareness.
He wasnt getting the attention he had before,, so why not push the bosses around and have them kick Conan to the curb...What a loser,, what little respect I had for Leno is gone...
Here is a funny stand-up comic, an old favorite: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Op8y-_jpj...
The tonight show will never regain the greatness it had with Johnny Carson. Leno was acceptable as a replacement, no Johnny Carson, but he did evolve into a person worthy of the title. (He was pathetic during the Clinton elections, with way too many Democratic party insiders disguised as comedians, such as Paula Poundstone or Rosie O'Donnel). Conan O'Brien is just not the right person for the show. Makes the choice to go to Letterman much easier. I'm ready to see Jay back in the seat. O'Brien has handled this with no class at all. I believe when you work for someone, you have to show respect publicly, or keep your mouth shut. Enjoy your buyout Conan, that's EASY MONEY!!!!!!!
He didn't say anything about it because his team of joke writers had the weekend off, and he didn't have time to mess up the delivery to make anything they wrote less funny.
I have to agree with perfectway, Leno is guilty of plagiarism big time when it comes to Howard Stern. It's almost pathetic.
Maybe, just maybe Leno was advised by his lawyers to keep the Conan stuff out. Maybe, just maybe, Leno decided to take the high road, like he usually does, and not beat the Conan story to death with more nasty jokes then there already are out there. Maybe, just maybe, John -you, like every other gossip lover, wanted Jay to add more to the mix so that every media reporter in America could say he was gloating at Conan's unfortunate position.
Sounds to me like you wanted blood and guts and got pure Leno instead. Sorry you're disappointed that Leno didn't get down into the mud. That's the one thing about Leno that has been true since day one - he keeps his act classy. If you're really hungry for some mud slinging, I suggest you watch Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. It's got all the elements of classic gossip rags that apparently you thirst for.
And maybe, just maybe, Jay Leno doesn't have a sense of humor at all. He couldn't come up with funny, original, timely material if there was money involved. Wait, there always WAS money involved, and he STILL couldn't do it!
Howard Stern stole the man on the street from Steve Allen. So there!
The Sarah Palin Fan Club can't even chuckle at a joke or two. I always thought they were humorless... thanks for proving it, Rooster.
As much as I despise Jay Leno, the fault for this catastrophe falls on NBC leadership more than Leno himself. NBC's plan backfired, and they tried to save face by giving Leno a 10 p.m. show, which tanked badly.
But what followed is an even more egregious disaster. Leno should've been smart enough to take his sorry act back home and finally drive some of those cars he's been collecting. Unfortunately, his ego, only matched in size by that gigantic chin, got the best of him. He would rather destroy Conan O'Brien than walk away with class.
I, for one, hope than any and all comics who find their way onto Leno's show excoriate him at every opportunity... like how Kimmel did it last week:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/15...
And in the end i'll still watch Dave.
And maybe, just maybe, Sandy, you'd use your head and figure out that un-funny guys don't stay on the payroll very long. Do they? Conan O'Brien sucks, is unfunny and THAT is why his ratings were low. He should bring his act here, apparently there are at least 6 people who'd pay top dollar to see him.
Put Leno back on the Tonight Show where he belongs and should never have left,...thanks to the masterminds at NBC. As far as Conan,...he lands where he lands since he's never been funny a day in his life,...well except for his name. Problem solved!
lvelegante, there's apparently no accounting for taste.
Leno's comedy is facile and simplistic. I guess that's why you find him appealing?
The absolute truth to the Leno/O'Brien situation is that hands down Leno is the late night king! NBC screwed up by replacing Leno to begin with! Conan is cool and all, but he just didn't have whatever that thing is that makes The Tonight Show click!
On the point made by lvelegante, I had not considered that he would have been advised not to talk about the controversy (especially when he talked about it on his show this week, opting not to "rise above it.") by attorneys. It would have been good for him to tell the audience that he could not say anything about the network or O'Brien. Regardless, I seriously doubt his attorneys would have directed him to use the same material he's been using onstage in Las Vegas for several years.
It was Leno's show the NBC affiliates were pleading to take off the air--not Conan's. NBC yanked Leno's show. At that point-Leno should've simply walked away. Leno chose to back-track over another individuals job. Leno is a total piece of garbage.
gold1020 :
If it came down to a choice between the proven top rated formula of Leno and The Tonight Show, and the poor ratings performance of Conan and the new Tonight Show, it's not a brain burner to figure out who wins. The ten o'clock slot was not working for Jay because of the nationwide affiliates local news at 10:00 Pm and 11:00 PM. This was costly advertising losses that the NBC network could not chance losing. Conan (and writers) just not as funny and his ratings reflected this. Cold hard show biz stuff. No one said that show biz is fair..
Stewart and Colbert are my picks for 11-midnight. Problem solved.
hahaha :
Wrong Network LOL!
I always thought NBC made a mistake going with Leno instead of Letterman. I also like Conan better than Leno.
It took some while before Leno topped Lettermam in the ratings. I think Conan would also top him eventually if given the time to make the show his own.
As someone else already mentioned, The Daily Show and Colbert are solid competition. Give Stewart the Tonight Show and a free hand, and NBC would be happy indeed. (But CNN would lose most of it's best programming material).
Number 1: The Hugh Grant story is true. Ever hear of Google, JLOKC????
Number 2: Leno has a very good monologue, a decent comedy bit after that and then he just plain SUCKS when it comes to interviewing.
Number 3: Letterman has a TERRIBLE monologue (take the microphone away from Paul Shaffer to begin with), awesome comedy bits and is a decent interviewer. However, he has become lazy and just phones it in nowadays.
Number 4: Craig Ferguson is the way to go when it comes to late night talk shows. Funny guy all around.
Number 5: Although Magic Johnson's "The Magic Hour" was my all time favorite late night talk show. Talk about watching a train wreck. That guy was so bad that it made the show soooo funny.
Oh yes, ksand, has the definitive palate for defining good comedy. Just like so many others want to suck the blood out of any gossip story that shows the downfall of a person's career. Comedy is a personal choice, in my opinion. Perhaps that's why I find most comedians so unfunny these days. Of course, the joking about someone's fall from the top would've just tickled people pink. But I guess that's human nature, to talk about, laugh about, crave info about some celeb's failed marriage, sex life, job, whatever it may be just so you can all feel better about yourselves. How pathetic!
Jays a classic - imagine having to write material day after day 365 a year... Hats off to Leno!
Based on the show I saw, the year during which Jay Leno wrote material day after day, for 365 days, was 1991.