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September 2, 2014

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Ice Ice Billy

There is a song in there somewhere

In October of 2011 Jeffrey Drew Wilschke legally changed his name to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. We know this because he was arrested Thursday in Madison, Wisconsin, on charges of carrying a concealed weapon, plus a couple of drug-related possession charges thrown in for good measure.

And we are thankful he is not a Wranglers player.

Zopittybop-Bop-Bop is simply too long a name for a uniform name plate. It would make his player trading card nearly impossible to type set and create a difficult arena public address announcement if he were part of a two-assist scoring play, which according to hockey aesthetics must be read twice.

“Goal by number 7 Eric Lampe with assists by number 9 Mike Madill and number 142 Bezow Doo-Doo Zopitybop-Bop-Bop at 18:01 in the third period; that’s Lampe from Madill and Zopittybop-Bop-Bop at 18:01 in the third.”

But we certainly cannot be as grateful as the parents of Zippity Doo-Dah Zippity-Day, a 26-year-old woman who late in 2008 changed her name from Beth Annette Jones – or so I’ve hoped.

With Zopittybop-Bop-Bop having last week been arrested, a meeting between the two grows unlikely. Had these two fallen in love and were married by Cab Calloway, she would likely had chosen to hyphenate and would have become Zippity Doo-Dah Zippity-Day-Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.

Who wouldn’t love to see the faces of those down at the DMV when she tries to register her new Volkswagen?

It seems, though, that Miss Zippity-Day should be as grateful as Mr. and Mrs. Jones that she never met Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. It would be unrealistic for Zippity-Day to say, “Beezow Doo-Doo, dinner’s ready.” No, rather, she would most certainly have to arrive at a pet name.

Certainly “Doo-Doo” is out, and “Zopitty” just seems a little too old fashioned. So all that remains for Zippity Doo-Dah is “Bop” which will likely lead her to say, “Mmm Bop,” each time her man cooks a wonderful home cooked meal or is particularly attentive during romantic interludes.

UrbanDictionary.com has a few definitions for a few of the components in Zopittybop-Bop-Bop’s new name. But I’d like to think that his name change comes from an astute love of music, and this would make Zippity Doo-Dah’s constant utterances of “Mmm Bop” cause for Bop to wonder if Zippity Doo-Dah has an unhealthy obsession for Hanson.

Having searched the internet for the lyrics of David Lee Roth’s I’m Just a Gigilo, it seems Zopittybop-Bop-Bop could have gone with “Hummala-Bebhuhla Zeebuhla-Boobuhula.”

But that would have just been silly.

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