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November 27, 2014

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Ice Ice Billy

It’s not a bridge too far

The joke in my hometown of Louisville is that Kentuckians built a bridge over the Ohio River to Indiana so there would be shade when we swam across. Funny punch line, flawed premise.

The Ohio River is far too wide and rough to risk a swim to New Albany. Every Kentuckian knows that.

So it’s easy to apply that punch line to recent news that officials in Kentucky are giving away a 450-foot metal bridge that has served Perry County since 1929. It gets hot in the summer, and there are many-a-stream to swim and places to a-git.

It’s a simple deal. The state will disassemble and deliver the bridge, as so long as the taker reassembles and maintains the span. The deal is open to anyone, and it has been suggested the bridge would make a unique driveway.

Dearest HOA: Meet my bridge.

The overpass is long enough to reunite David Freese with his Game Six-winning tater ball, and is an elusive path around the extra speed bumps the HOA guys keep installing. Plus, it’s a great way to distract the HOA from my dandelion crop. The neighborhood could use a splash of sunny color.

To cover the cost of bridge maintenance, a toll booth may be in order to simply visit my house. We’ll start at $2.50. Each way.

We’ll install a suicide prevention hotline at its crest, and host an annual Fun Run.

The bridge still works, they say. It’s just that it’s been deemed “functionally obsolete.”

Which is why this is such a good idea. I, too, have been deemed functionally obsolete by most. As has the Las Vegas real estate market, my Formula One slot car track and the premise of this very blog.

George Carlin would have loved that euphemism.

Kim Kardashian’s marriage? Functionally obsolete. Tony La Russa’s hair dye? Functionally obsolete. Bobble head nights as sports promotions? Functionally obsolete.

The deadline to apply for the bridge is Dec. 20, just in time for the holidays. But quick action is required before those show-offs in Lake Havasu City run the table on bridge relocations.

Las Vegas needs the shade.

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